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88- Memories

Sirius.

Do you remember? How it used to be?
Me you and Remus?
Pads Moon and Bambs.
We'd do everything together, if I wasn't with either of you, I'd feel empty but nothings feeling the same anymore, that's why I'm writing to you, I know we fought but I've never had family like you.

How did everything get so bad? I think about it nearly all the time, I drive myself crazy trying to pinpoint exactly how shit turned out like this but I don't know.

l felt betrayed, but I never said nothing because well maybe you just had no idea. I felt like you let him move on so quickly, you pushed her towards him, I expected you be on my side, but it felt like you picked her too.
It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me, every time you looked at me, it felt like I was the one who wronged you.

I can't fully blame everything on you, because I never reached out to you either. I never once picked up the phone and called you. Maybe I should have put my pride aside.  Truth is, I got tired. I got tired of everyone telling me all the time how wrong I was, I knew you would tell me everything I didn't want to hear.

I'll still love you to death.
Even though the love's one way, I'd still kill anyone who'd hurt you.

There's faults on both sides.
We both could have been better.
I hope one day you can forgive me.
You were my first home.
I'll never forget what you did for me.

I watched him carefully, watched his black eyes follow the lines, the parchment frail in his hands, crumpled and old, it had been a while since I had written it after all. I was sure he had read it quite fast, but was reading over it a few times perhaps. I didn't know. I felt terrified stood there watching his reaction.

"I never forgot." I spoke finally, the sound came out raspy and coarse from the lack of using my voice for a while and I cringed at it, it sounded so awkward.

He looked up, black eyes meeting mine, curiosity swirled in them, silently asking what I meant. "About you I mean." I explained quickly, I shifted from foot to foot. I felt out of place in his home now, it felt like the walls were pushing me out, like they were telling me I wasn't welcome here anymore but it might have been my own insecurities telling me that.

I regretted my decision to come. Remus was wrong. We were beyond fixing. Sirius was not the missing piece, I needed my real family, maybe Kayla. Someone I could start afresh with, not somebody who I had so much dark history with. Not somebody who had grown to hate me. I needed somebody new. Somebody who didn't know me at all really.

He didn't respond, slowly he turned around, his back to me. He quite literally turned his back on me. I had never been more angry at Remus. How could he push me to do this for me to get humiliated? I was raging, because how dare he? How dare he turn his back to me once again, once more, when I turned up to his doorstep, when I put my pride aside to try and build a relationship again, how dare he?

My hands shook as I clenched them at my sides, restraining myself from reaching out to him. My teeth grit together to stop my mouth from opening, my throat almost burned at how hard I was stopping myself from screaming out to him.

From begging him to stay.

Because no matter how angry I was at him. I was angrier at myself. I was angry that he didn't like me anymore. That somewhere down the line things had changed and he didn't like the person I was.