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84- Selfish

Blaise was back, sometimes I felt like Blaise only ever had three emotions.

Angry.

Moody.

Angry.

Nothing else, nothing more.

Sometimes I feared Blaise.
And I didn't fear anyone.

"You must have lost your mind."

"Can't help it. I love him."

He ground his teeth, clenched his fists and turned his head to the side. I expected this reaction. I expected him to be disappointed.

"Love is stupid. Love is what made you mad. Remus Lupin was supposed to be the past."

I put him in the past.

It didn't work. Nothing works.

"You think it's made me weak." I muttered, more to myself than to him. Maybe he had the right idea. Maybe I was turning weak, maybe love did do that.

"Yes."

"And you? If love makes you weak then how do you suppose you're going to raise your daughter? Is this how she'll turn up?"

I pointed dramatically between the two of us.

"Like me and you? Like Draco? This.. cold.. detached soulless person? It's not right Blaise. Who's going to break the cycle? Or are we all going to turn out just like our parents?"

He sucked in a breath and flinched backward. I knew the way he was, I knew he had a good heart, all three of us did, but having a good heart didn't mean things would magically work out, because they didn't. We needed to change our behaviours.

"It protects them. That way nobody gets hurt. Nobody has expectations. I'll do everything for her, but this love thing? It made you mad Avery. How can you be so quick to forget?"

"I was already mad." I retaliated quickly.

"I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Since I was 10 years old. I was mad long before I fell in love."

He sighed and shook his head, dropped his hands to his side and paced back and forth.

"You're selfish. You broke Theo's heart."

Fuck.

I nodded, agreeing with him, tears forming at the base of my eyes, but I would never cry in front of Blaise, I was always ashamed.

"I did."

"No guilt? No remorse?" He sneered and I clenched my jaw and tried not to let the anger rise in me.

"Do you think I'm a monster?"

"You don't look guilty."

"Do legillimens then. You don't know what's been going through my mind."

"I know enough. I know you're the same selfish little girl I knew when I was 12. Pick and choose when to care about others. You messed Theo around and you'll fuck up Remus again too."

Rehab had made Blaise ugly.
Maybe there was truth in what he was saying, but it felt like he was slapping me in the face, again and again with intention for it to sting.