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37- Killer

I should have known that Draco hadn't meant what he said. The guilt of me ignoring him and letting him suffer in silence was eating me up inside.

Even though me and Draco both relied on each other, I always knew deep down he needed me a bit more. It was my fault, I was selfish and he was suffering.

Once he had calmed down, I slowly started to question him.

"What are they making you do? Kill a mudblood or something? To show you'll actually do it? To prove yourself?"

He shook his head rapidly in my embrace and started hyperventilating again.

"Okay, okay, we won't talk about it, come on just breathe."

It was breaking my heart, seeing him like that.
It was weird. It felt unnatural, to see him so vulnerable. It was like it wasn't Draco.
Like it was someone else, not my best friend.
I had seen him let down his guard before, but never like this.

Never this afraid before. It was scary and I felt helpless. I didn't know what he had been ordered to do, I didn't even know if he even had been ordered to do anything.
He might have just been scared, but I was sure it was worse than that.

I didn't ask him anything else, I didn't want to push him. I didn't know how to help him though.

He was a death eater now.
He had chosen his side, it was clear.
Once you had the mark there was no going back, he had to stick with it.

How was I supposed to help him?
What was I meant to do?

I was helpless, nothing I could do or say would help him. He was right, I didn't understand.
I didn't understand because even though my parents were like his, I, myself hadn't got the mark. To have been given the mark meant facing the Dark Lord, speaking to him. No wonder he was so scared.

The next few days he went back to normal.
Back to pushing me away no matter how much I tried to reach him. I had told Blaise what had happened, how he practically broke down, that he had the mark and that he was trying to push us away and he understood. He tried too, but he didn't want our help, he just always wanted to be alone.

He looked so pale. So so pale, that the bags under his eyes made a stark contrast to his skin. Anyone could see that he was suffering.
The fear was eating him up, it was consuming him. He looked physically ill and Merlin knew that mentally he was probably in hell.

I tried, but he didn't want our help and I felt like the shittest friend in the world for not being able to help him. Remus could tell that something was wrong with me, clearly my guilt had seeped through on my expression, but I kept shaking him off.

"It's nothing, Draco just needs me. He's going through something."

"Okay, but you're not taking care of yourself."

"Yes I am."

"When's the last time you sleep?"

I waved him off ignoring him and he sighed.

"And who's looking after you? Who's taking care of you? I know that you're being a good friend and that you're trying to help him, but you can't just forget about yourself."

"I'm perfectly fine. I know you're just trying to help, but you don't get it. He's never been like this before okay, I need to be there for him."

He left me to it. He took a step back and he didn't question me or run after me and I was relieved. I wanted to be there for Draco, make him know that whatever he was going through that he didn't have to go through it alone.
That I'd be there for him, like I'd always been and that even though this whole thing was fucked up that I still saw him the same and that nothing would have changed between us.
Because death eater or not, Draco was my best friend and we'd been by each other's sides forever.