Unexpected [FR/EN]

Chapitre 68

Tom's point of view : 

It's been more than a week now. Nine days since she left. Since I made her leave. And I still can't handle it. I fucking made her leave, and now I'm just a piece of shit who tries to continue living without her. But I can't. I fucking can't without her. And it's fucking killing me. I'm doing the best I can to keep working, but I only do shit. Every scenes I've done since she's gone are just shitty. 'Cause I only do shit without her. I can't concentrate more than five minutes anymore. I can't even sleep. I'm such a mess. If Harry wasn't here, the movie would be over without me. I can't do anything without her and it drives me mental. 'Cause before she came into my life, I was doing just fine without her, and now that she's gone I can't even eat without thinking about her. It's killing me. I'm literally dying. 
- Hey Tom, you're ready ? 
I look up at Joe waiting behind the camera and all I can do is nod my head, even if I'm not ready at all. I'm not ready for anything now. All I want is to take a fucking flight to France, find Elena and tell her I love her. That's all. But I can't. I wanted to do it two days after she left, but I didn't do it. My bag was ready, I was on my way to the airport and I made the wrong choice to go on Instagram. I wanted to send her a message, but I remembered I broke her phone. And that's when I saw her, pictured in my newsfeed. She wasn't alone. And I don't even know how this photo got into my newsfeed. But that's what kept me from leaving. She looked devastated though, but if she had been alone it would have changed everything. But she wasn't. This fucking bastard Timothée was there. It drove me crazy to see her with him. I asked the taxi to turn around and from that day on I tried to suppress my desire to go and kill him too. As I did with Benjamin. Even though I didn't kill him with my own hands. I know he can't hurt her anymore. 
I sit in front of Doctor Whomever's office for the third time now. I can't concentrate so much that we got late on the shoot. But the anger that eats me helps me to play my part wonderfully. I'm just a depressed man who's lost his taste for life. Just like the character I'm playing. 
- Have you been experiencing any suicidal thoughts ? 
That's a fucking good question. Not just for my character. I really feel this scene like it's part of my own life, and not only like just a scene to play. This question really hits me, and I think about it for real. I've always been so lucky in my life that I never had to think about suicide. But... it's so hard since she left. So... I nod my head and... 
- Sometimes, yeah. 
I've done this scene three times and it's still the moment I get out of my role. But this time I want to get there. I don't want to hear this question again. I don't want to think about it again. 
- I just feel like if I died in Iraq... she'd be happier now, you know ? 
And again I think of Elena. I think how happy she must be now without me. 
- She would've been sad for a while but... 
Steps behind me stops me in my sentence and I can't stop thinking about her. How sad she must have been. Until Timothée took care of her. And I have to force myself not to tighten my jaw. Which is so hard when I think about this asshole who must definitely be with the woman I love right now. While I'm here, crying over my fate. 
- Ultimately her life would've been better. 
And I feel so much this sentence too. I'm so afraid she'll realize she's happier without me after all. The night she left, the end of the shoot was really difficult for me. I shot a scene in a car where I had to hit my thigh with a needle, and for a few seconds I regretted that the needle was fake. That she can't hurt me like I had to pretend in front of the camera. But I was hitting so hard that I still got hurt. I gave myself body and soul in this scene. So much so that when I had to hit the steering wheel with all my strength, I hit my head. Blood came out of my nose and in the seconds that followed, I was fine. I felt good with this pain that finally seemed to come from somewhere. I felt this pain since she told me what had happened to her and I didn't know where she came from. I couldn't control it. But in that car, while I was screaming with all my might, I was finally able to control it. And it made me feel good. But now she's back and she's coming from everywhere. I feel it all over my body, and I can't control it anymore. It's controlling me. 
- How's your pain level ? 
I go out of my thoughts to resume my role. But even this question sends me directly to Elena. To the pain she make me feel. 
- Like mental pain or physical pain ? 
- Both. 
I have to restrain myself from not biting my lip trying to control the sadness that comes down my throat. But it's so hard. 
- Nine on a ten. 
And it's so true. I even have to be above the pain tolerance threshold because my brain won't stop thinking about it. Like he couldn't get rid of it. Like I was gonna have to live with it till the end of my life. But the one I wanted to live with for the rest of my life is Elena. Not the pain of her absence. 
It's remind me a quote from a men called Jordan Peterson. I don't even know how I remember his name, but I clearly remember his sentence.
To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause ; that is hell.
And that's totally what I'm living right now. My life without her is a fucking hell. 

Just a few hours later, I resumed my role, not least sitting in front of a fake doctor, but laying in bed this time, Ciara by my side. Even with her it's hard. I can't shoot a scene with Ciara without thinking of the women I love. And now that I'm lying in bed with her, it's even harder. It's not a sexe scene, but... I'm still so used that the woman I share a bed with is Elena, I can't concentrate. Again. And yet I turn my back on Ciara, which should make things easier. But it's worse. 'Cause I don't see her, and so I always have it in my head that maybe behind my back it's Elena, and that still keeps me from fucking concentrating. 
- I wish I never told you I was leaving. 
This sentence strikes me in the heart, and I can't stop thinking that I really wish I never told her to leave. I wish I hadn't told her she could die alone, I didn't give a shit. Now I lost her... and I'm starting to get lost too. I have to concentrate so hard not to cry now. 'Cause I don't want to ruin the scene again. 
- For Montreal. 
I hold back so much from crying that I can barely keep my eyes open. And I have to remember my line. 
- Remember when you used to wear that white ribbon around your neck ? 
My voice is choked by the pillow, but I don't have the courage to move. I know that if I move an inch, tears will flow. 
- That was my jam. 
I'm pretending to laugh, which is certainly the hardest thing I've had to do since the beginning of this shoot. But I keep pretending everything since she left. And I'm pretty good at it now. I remember her smile, but it doesn't make me smile anymore, it just makes me want to cry. 
- Yeah, I liked that. 
Her smile is haunting me right now. Her laugh too, and I can't hold back my tears. 
- Can't see that we'll ever make it back there though. 
I feel my tears coming out of my eyes, and I think it goes pretty well with the sentence. That fucking sentence that sums up my fucking life so well right now. I would so like to go back and meet Elena for the first time again. But I can't. I feel a tear running down my nose to finish her way on the pillow in which I want to scream at full lungs. But I can't do that either. 
- But I'm OK with that. 
I swallow my tears and hope I can control them. 'Cause I'm fucking not OK with what's happening to me right now. And I'm forced to lie. 
- Yeah... me too. 
I hang the pillow with one hand with all the strength I can when Joe starts screaming. 
- Cut ! 
I finally blow, and turn my head into the pillow trying to hide my tears. But even that I can't. My tears choke in the pillow, but don't go unnoticed. I feel a hand resting on my shoulder and I quickly recognize the sweetness of Ciara. 
- Tom are you OK ? 
I push her away and I jump out of bed. 
- No, I'm not ! 
I walk through the room we've been shooting in for too long and run to lock me in the small bathroom. All the people present on the shoot are already aware of what's happening. They were all there when I told her to leave. But since she's gone I try not to fall on the shooting, and I wait until the end of the day to let myself go, but now it's too hard. I can't handle it anymore. I'm just too hurt without her. I don't know what I'm gonna do if she doesn't come back. I just love her so much that it's fucking killing me right now ! 
I don't even have the strength to go through the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub. I just let myself slide along the door to cry all the tears in my body, hoping that the pain will lessen a bit. But she won't leave me alone. She fucking won't leave me alone ! 
Knocks in the door make my back vibrate and Harry's voice comes to me. 
- Tom... everything OK in there ? 
I can't take this fucking question anymore ! I am tired of having to answer that everything is going well constantly while nothing is going well ! 
- No, I'm not fucking OK, Harry ! Can you just please let me die in fucking peace ! I just need to be alone ! Fucking hell ! 
My scream rings in the bathroom and my tears keep me from seeing the fucking pink walls coming out my eyes. All I want is fucking silence. I can't fucking think. I can't even breathe. How am I supposed to get out of this shitty life without her ? Nothing that I think, nothing that I want for my future... nothing stands if she's not here to live it with me. I can't fucking live without her ! I'm fucking dying for God's sake ! And I'm fucking dying alone ! Without the women I love the most in this entire world. 
How am I supposed to stay alive without her ? I fucking can't. I just need her so much.