A Piece of You

𝘊𝘏𝘈𝘗𝘛𝘌𝘙 𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘙𝘛𝘠-𝘍𝘖𝘜𝘙

𝕿𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖘 𝕬𝖌𝖔

𝑇𝐻𝐼𝑅𝐷 𝑃𝐸𝑅𝑆𝑂𝑁 𝑃𝑂𝑉

         "I think I... I think I might do something bad." Megumi's leg bounces up and down, the redness around his eyes and the dark bags further prove how difficult it's been for him to get some rest. He licks his lips, sniffling. "I think I might seriously hurt myself and I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes I just sit there after sobbing for hours and I just think everything would be better if I just... disappeared."

     Megumi laughs weakly at himself for saying it out loud, "I sound like a crazy person, normal people don't just jump to wanting to end their life."

      "You're hurting and you're trying to find a way to stop hurting, that's not crazy. My job is to help you, Megumi. Do you think you could really hurt yourself or do you believe they're just thoughts?" Kento Nanami, a therapist hired by Megumi under contract with terms he preferred, questions.

       "I think I could really end my life. I feel so lost and broken, I have all these people around me but I still feel alone. There's something wrong with me and I don't know how to fix myself on my own." He admits, his bottom lip trembling and tears streaming down his face.

        "There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a defective robot that needs rewiring. You're someone who went through traumatic experiences and you don't know how to cope. Let's talk about what you do on the daily. How long would you estimate you sleep at night?"

      "Half an hour... Maybe two hours if I'm lucky. When I finally get to sleep, I have night terrors and then when I wake, I can't go back to sleep." Megumi hugs his knees to his chest, closing his eyes tightly. He feels like a helpless child, desperately needing love to heal all that hurts.

       "What do your night terrors consist of?"

       "Sometimes it's about what happened to me at the club. I can feel hands touch me, I feel afraid and I try to scream but I have no voice. I want to fight back but I can't move. Everything hurts, I start to cry and I want to be saved by one person."

       "Who do you want to save you?" Nanami has heard of both Sukuna and Okkotsu, two important people in Megumi's life. Okkotsu, the close friend who has been helping Megumi through this stressful time and who has romantic feelings for him. Sukuna, the ex boyfriend and all of Megumi's firsts, the one that Megumi had left because he was afraid for his unborn baby and possibly losing the child while still pregnant.

       "Sukuna. I wanted him to save me, I always think of him in that moment."

       "What is the other nightmare about?"

       "Sukuna and I. We're together, we're happy and then it all comes crashing down. It's different, no nightmare is the same. The latest one... I was on the ice but I wasn't alone. He was there with me. We performed together, the same routine that Satoru and I had done our very first time. We couldn't keep our eyes off one another, I was falling in love all over again. Then when Sukuna threw me up in the air, he didn't catch me. I fell through the ice, I was suffocating and my lungs ached. I was reaching out to him as he looked down at me from the opening. I kept hearing his voice, it repeated and sounded like there were multiple of him. He kept calling me a traitor."

      Nanami pushes the tissue box forward. Megumi thanks him, grabbing a tissue and blowing his nose. "He's not wrong. I betrayed him. I left."

       "Dreams and nightmares aren't reality, I don't believe that. You left a relationship that was unhealthy and because you love him, you feel like you are fully in the wrong. You're not completely at fault for how the relationship ended." Nanami has heard enough to say this confidently. What both Megumi and Sukuna lacked was the ability to understand one another and each others circumstances, they had different upbringings and viewed the world differently. Sometimes, that works for relationships. For them, it only made it worse. They couldn't communicate, they couldn't understand one another.

     Megumi wanted to pull away while Sukuna reacted with violence. That's how the two handled difficult situations that they couldn't just run away from. Megumi loves Sukuna and Sukuna loves Megumi, they both couldn't just break up when an argument got too severe. Sukuna ignited a thrilling fire for Megumi, something he had never felt before. Megumi created comfort, stability, and safety, which were things Sukuna was unfamiliar with but craved.

      At least, this is what Nanami believes to be true from everything he's been told from facts to Megumi's opinions and feelings.

      "I never hated him. Not once, even when he would hurt me. Sukuna has said and done terrible things but I still love him. Why? Why do I love him so much? I don't understand myself anymore. I wanted this baby because it was Sukuna's but now whenever I look at Kiro, I break down. I'm so miserable that I want to die but I would live and suffer just to be with him. Sometimes I wish I never let him enter my life but the thought of that makes me even more depressed."

       "I can't give you an answer to your questions, only you can truly know why you love him. You blame yourself for things he's done, there is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking responsibility for his."

      "I regret a lot of things. You're right, I blame myself for things he has done. I think that if I had done or said things differently, that if I just did what he wanted then things wouldn't have gotten this bad."

       "That way of thinking would begin to take away your independence. You would no longer form opinions on your own, your relationships with others would be damaged, and, to put this bluntly, you'd still be miserable, Megumi." Nanami is looking at this young boy in front of him and he feels genuine empathy. Megumi is so young and should be enjoying his life but instead he was delt a bad hand from the very beginning.

      Megumi slowly nods, wiping at his tears with the sleeves of his black hoodie. "Probably. No, yeah, I know. I know that it's stupid to think that way."

       "Not stupid, just incorrect, that's all."

       "Last week, Kiro wouldn't stop crying. I didn't know what to do, I was so overwhelmed and my head was throbbing. Yuuta came and he just figured out what was wrong. Kiro wanted to be held by me, he wanted contact. The... what's it called..."

       "Infant bonding?" Nanami suggests.

        "Yes, thank you. I hadn't actually held Kiro, not really. I can move him around from the crib or to the baby bath tub thing my mother had bought for me. I can't hold him too long, I begin to panic and get overwhelmed." Megumi pauses, sniffling once again. "He's so tiny, I don't think I actually noticed how small he is. He wasn't born premature or anything but... I don't think I've ever been around an infant before. I could hear his heartbeat." Megumi smiles slightly, tears flowing down his flushed face. Then the smile is gone and his heart clenches, "Why can't I bond with him? What am I doing wrong?"

     "Instead of focusing on the negatives, I want to point out the positives. You're improving, Megumi. You held your baby, you were able to hold him. It doesn't come naturally to all parents to bond with their baby, there are many parents who are having a difficult time with this just like you are. How long were you able to hold him?"

      "I fell asleep while holding him on my chest. Yuuta was there the entire time. I slept for awhile, it was..." Megumi pauses, realizing something. "I hadn't had a dream or a nightmare..."

       "You were able to rest, then."

        "Longer than usual, yes."

        "Your health is important. You have a tendency to neglect your self-care the most and new parents don't realize you have to take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, it helps when you bond. If you're overwhelmed, moody, and lacking sleep, how do you expect to bond with your infant?"

        "That's... I understand. I'll try to do better." It took a lot for him to trust Itadori and Junpei to babysit Kiro while he meets with Nanami but Inumaki had expressed his worries and made it clear he thinks Megumi needed to be here.

       "Even for a few hours when you need a nap, contact someone you trust and they can watch over the little one while you rest."

        "Okay, I will." Megumi nods, grabbing another tissue.

        "Let's talk more about these suicidal thoughts."