K-pop sickfics/hurtfics

Leeknow skz - alexithymia

Alexithymia is when someone has difficulty identifying and describing their emotions. People with alexithymia may not easily recognize what they're feeling or may struggle to put those feelings into words. For example, they might know they feel "off" or uncomfortable but can't pinpoint if it's sadness, anger, or anxiety.
I got this idea from my philosophy, so sorry if it's not accurate.
1200 words.

It was the night after a long day of recording, and the members of Staykids had gathered in their dorm's living room, sprawled out across the couches and floor. They were talking about the album, discussing how they wanted to express certain themes in their songs : heartbreak, joy, frustration. Each member took turns describing moments that had inspired them or personal experiences they wanted to bring into the music.

Leeknow listened quietly, nodding occasionally, trying to keep up. When it came to sharing, he often preferred to let the others talk, chipping in only when he thought he had something concrete to say. He wanted to express himself, but the words often seemed to slip away before he could grasp them. Emotions felt abstract to him, like clouds he couldn't quite reach.

Changbin turned to him, leaning forward with an encouraging smile. "Leeknow, what about you? You've been a bit quiet tonight. Is there anything you'd want to share in our lyrics?"

Leeknow's stomach twisted slightly. He could feel the weight of everyone's eyes on him, each gaze warm and curious, but the pressure to answer felt like it was tightening his throat.

"I... don't know," he said finally, his voice barely above a murmur. He glanced down, his fingers fiddling with the edge of his sleeve. "I think I'd just want... something real. Like, something that connects."

Changbin nodded, but there was a flicker of confusion in his expression. "What kind of 'real' are you thinking?"

Leeknow's mind raced, grasping for words that didn't seem to come. What kind of 'real'? The question made him feel oddly frustrated, even embarrassed. He wished he could just reach inside and pull out the answer, but it was as if there was a fog where his emotions should be, a wall he couldn't break through.

"I don't know exactly," he said, a bit sharper than he intended. "Just... I want it to feel real. Like, something people will get."

Bangchan chimed in, smiling in his easy going way. "You mean like something vulnerable? Maybe a song about feeling lost?"

Leeknow felt a surge of irritation, though he didn't know why. Chan was trying to help, but it somehow felt like they were all putting words in his mouth, like they wanted him to feel a specific way he couldn't even name for himself.

"Maybe. I don't know," he muttered, pulling back. He felt heat rising to his cheeks, his hands clenched into fists on his lap. "Can we just move on? I'm not sure how I feel."

The room fell silent, the lighthearted mood shifting as the others exchanged glances. Leeknow could sense their confusion and worry, and he wanted to explain himself, to tell them that he wasn't angry, he was just frustrated. But the words wouldn't come.

Hyunjin broke the silence. "Leeknow , are you... okay? You seem kind of upset." His voice was gentle, cautious, but it only made Leeknow feel worse.

He tried to keep his tone steady, but his words came out clipped. "I said I'm fine. Just... forget it."

The others looked at him with concerned expressions, and he could see that they were trying to read him, trying to figure out what he was feeling. It made him feel exposed, like they could see the mess inside his mind that he himself didn't understand.

Later, as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, Leeknow replayed the conversation in his head, feeling the tightness in his chest refuse to fade. Why was it so difficult to explain himself? It was as if there was a constant disconnection between his mind and his emotions, like he was split in two. He wanted to tell them what he was feeling, but he didn't even know what that feeling was. All he knew was that he felt... wrong. Uneasy. Frustrated.

The next day, during a break in dance rehearsal, Changbin approached him quietly, passing him a water bottle. "Hey, about last night... we didn't mean to push you," he said, his voice soft and careful. "I'm sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable."

Leeknow hesitated, his fingers tightening around the water bottle. He felt a confusing mix of relief and guilt. They hadn't done anything wrong, and he knew that, but he didn't know how to explain his reaction.

"It's not your fault," he said, looking away. "I just... It's hard for me to figure out what I'm feeling, and sometimes... sometimes I feel like everyone wants me to explain things that I can't."

Changbin nodded, his expression understanding. "You don't have to explain everything, Leeknow. Just know we're here if you ever want to talk, even if you don't have the words yet."

Leeknow nodded, though he still felt like he was letting them down. He knew they wanted him to open up, to share more, but he couldn't give them what they wanted. He wondered if they felt disappointed, or maybe even hurt, by his distance.

As the week went on, Leeknow found himself falling into the same patterns. During practice, the director asked him to show more "emotion" during a certain part of the choreography. He tried - he really did - but it was like trying to reach for something invisible. He saw his bandmates' faces filled with intensity, passion, even longing as they moved, and he tried to mimic it. But every time he looked in the mirror, his own expression felt blank, as if he were missing a vital piece of the performance.

One evening, he stayed late in the practice room, repeating the steps over and over. Frustration simmered in him, rising with every attempt, until he finally stopped, staring at his reflection. He saw the weariness in his eyes, the way his hands trembled slightly with exhaustion. He wanted to scream, to break the silence with something, anything, that would release this knot inside him. But he didn't know what to scream about.

Just then, the door opened, and Chan walked in, looking surprised to see him. "Leeknow ? You're still here?"

"Yeah," Leeknow replied, his voice hollow. He avoided Chan's gaze, his shoulders tense.

Chan studied him quietly. "You don't have to say anything, but... I can tell you're feeling something. Even if you don't know what it is."

Leeknow clenched his jaw, feeling his frustration bubble over. "But that's the problem, Chan," he said, his voice laced with bitterness. "I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know how to be... like you guys. I don't know how to put a name to anything inside me."

Chan approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to be like us, Leeknow. You're you, and that's enough. We don't need you to name everything you feel. We just need you to be here with us, however you can."

Leeknow took a shaky breath, feeling something ease within him. It wasn't an answer, but it was a start. Maybe he didn't have to have all the words right now. Maybe, in time, he'd learn to understand himself a little better. For now, just being present, feeling what little he could, would be enough.

Thanks for reading. If you have a special story in mind don't hesitate. I take requests.