Secret Love Nest

How to Bake a Cake

Question: How to bake a cake?
Answer: Don't.

I am writing with my laptop on top of the dining table while drinking tea and munching on choco pie, you know, the unhealthy type of choco pie.

Sounds serene, right? Me, sitting and tying, drinking and eating. Such a peaceful scenario.

Look again...

If you would just roam your eyes beyond the dining area to the kitchen on the background, you will see a picture of a place if a terrorist group bombed it with missiles using flour as shrapnels. The whole kitchen floor is covered with flour, cocoa powder,  a cup of sugar, a slab of butter, tablespoons of honey and a pinch of salt. If I can find an oven that can accomodate our kitchen floor, then maybe I will have a chance of making a cake.

How did that lady in the video baked that perfect chocolate cake? Why did she made it look so easy? The bitch!

So...Dayu, why are you murdering, I mean baking a freaking cake?

Qing released a new song and it's topping various music charts and to commemorate it I thought I have to do something extra special for him. But the man is imposible when it comes to receiving gifts. So I have to rack my brain to be creative when it comes to giving him something (no more sex coupons for you Qing! Not that again!)

Qing: (frowning) It's okay, you don't have to bother Dayu. Having you is the best gift.

Me: (scowling) That was sweet, but also annoying...no wait, let me rephrase that. That was sweet but very very annoying at the same time. Qing ah! C'mon man, you are killing me here. Just tell me what you want as a reward for your hard work!

Qing: Sex cou-

Me: No!

Qing: Dance for m-

Me: Not for another two years.

Qing: (frowning) And you're sure you don't want to make me happy by wearing that jockstrap...

Me: (shaking my head vigorously) I'm not gonna encourage your kinky ways anymore.

Qing: (laughing) MY kinky way? Is that what you say to yourself while begging me to blindfold you and...

Me: (clapping my hands once) (ignoring him) Aha! I know! I'll bake you a cake!

Qing: (blinked twice) A cake? You will bake a cake?

Me: Sure! I saw videos of people baking simple cakes. It looks easy enough. They say baking is like science, as long as I follow the measurements and the recipe, even a novice like me can bake a cake.

Qing: (grimacing) I think calling yourself a "novice" is stretching the truth a bit far Dayu. Why not try "virgin" or "first timers"?

Me: (glaring at him) Why do you sound doubtful? I can bake a cake! It will be like a piece of...you know, cake for me.

Qing: I am not doubting you...I am just being realistic Dayu.

Me: No, you have no confidence in me! I will show you! I will bake that cake for you.

Qing: (staring at me for moments) If you are sure...

Me: I AM!

Qing: (sighing resignedly) Okay then. Bake me that cake. And I will...I will memorize our kitchen before you destroy, I mean use it to bake me a cake. Wait! If things go wrong for you, you won't blame me, right?

Me: Why would you think things could go wrong? Stop being a pessimist, have faith.

Qing: (grumbling) Not being a pessimist, more like a realist.

Me: (totally ignoring his grumbling and gloomy looks) I will bake that cake! I can bake that cake!

Four hours later...

I CAN'T bake that cake!!!

Why didn't anyone ever told me that there are like a gazillion type of flour. Whole wheat flour, wheat flour, all purpose flour...What the hell?! And you even have to sift it? I mean...what happened to just dumping it in the mixer and letting the machine do all the work? And is there really a difference between a frozen butter and softened butter? I mean, they are both butter. Granted the frozen one hit the mixing bowl like it's rock but it will thaw eventually, right?

And don't get me started on sugar. There's powdered, granulated, confectionate. White, washed, brown, fined and refined...I mean, I just want to bake a freaking fucking cake here! Why are you doing this to me Sugar?! And the recipe needs sugar on it, so I am using sugar, when I noticed how complicated sugar can be I searched for a recipe that won't need sugar on it. Hence the honey on the floor.

It's impossible! How do bakers do this everyday? Are they on drugs or something? This is unrealistic (Ugh now I sounded like Qing!)

I guess I won't have any choice now, do I? I have to try fitting that jockstrap now. (Fucking damn!).

I guess Qing will have it his way after all...

Oh yeah, before I forgot, I also have to clean our kitchen. Double Damn!