Secret Love Nest

Broken

(Author's note: This will be the last time I will listen to Adele while I am writing QingYu fanfic. I swear😭😊)

Do you know what can break me? When I have to watch Qing struggle to fix me because I am sad cause some people did or said something horrible to me.

I mean, I understand. Bashers are there. Some people don't like me. There are people that hate what I do or hate me just for the sake of hating...I don't know.

But sometimes...those people cross a line. My line. My limit.

Sometimes those haters will pierce my shield and they will draw blood and I get hurt. Enough for me to start questioning if all I am doing is worth the hurt I am feeling.

Enough for me to retreat inside my shell so I can protect myself. When I am inside my shell, I will go quiet. So still that even Qing can't coax me out. Some shrink may diagnose that as early signs of depressions. I don't know...

See...that's the second time I wrote those words. "I don't know". A sign that I am not sure about things anymore.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I really that horrible that they would do and say that to me? Is my existence really offending for them?

I stand looking at the night view from the floor to ceiling glass window of our condo. But my mind can't even appreciate the beautiful twinkling lights of Beijing, or the stars teasingly peeking prettily from the night sky.

I was busy mulling those words they say about me. Going through it over and over again. Reading between the lines, erasing those lines, looking for hidden meanings. I will get angry. I will get sad. I will make excuses for them. I will curse at them.

Why would they attack me? Am I really that weak in their eyes? Someone they can easily push around to bully? Do I look like that? Just because I am the smaller one, the quieter one. Just because I give a gentler vibe?

I close my eyes when I felt Qing's arms circling my waist. Maybe if I close my eyes, tears will get trapped there.

Qing: (steel in his tone) Don't cry. They don't deserve your tears Dayu. They don't deserve anything from you. I hate that you have to release that statement. We could have just sue them all to hell.

Me: (swallowing the lump on my throat) That statement is for the people who supports me. They have to see that I am not bothered by this issue. That I am strong...

Qing: You are strong! Never doubt that.

He let me go to turn me around so he can look at me. I know what he is looking for. My eyes. He always look at my eyes, to see my feelings. He said my eyes can't hide from him. My eyes never tell him any lies.

Qing: (agony in his face) Tell me what I can do?

I look down, hiding. I don't want to break apart in front of him. I pounced him. Hugging him tightly so he won't see me struggling to hold my emotions. My head on his shoulder, my face buried on the side of his neck.

Me: (struggling to breath) H-hold me. Just hold me.

Qing hug me back. So tight my feet almost got lifted from the ground. I tiptoed so I can hold on to him.

Qing: (sounding close to desperation) Please Dayu, please tell me what to do...

Me: (in a broken voice) Just hold me. Y-you don't have to do anything else.

Qing: That won't do. You are close to breaking, love...

Me: So hold me! So I won't break. Hold me together. This will all pass soon.

Qing: I can talk to some people. My family have connections...

I push him away.

Me: (shaking my head vigorously) No! Absolutely not! You will not do anything about this issue Qing. You will let me handle this. I can handle this...

Qing: How? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You haven't eaten enough for two days now Dayu. Is this your way of handling it? Thinking and thinking and overthinking again and again?

Me: I will be fine.

Qing: When? How?

Me: (shouting) I don't know!

I turn away from him. Back into the wall with the night view.

Qing: (in a calmer, quieter tone) I'm sorry. That was my bad. I shouldn't put more pressure on you. I just...hate seeing you like this.

Me: I know. I hate seeing myself like this too. But I have my own coping process Qing. Let me go through that process and I will be fine.

I turn back to look at him. I took a deep breath, gather everything I have inside me to give him what he wanted the most right now. I smiled at him.

Me: I will be fine. You already said it, I am strong. I will be fine.

Qing stared at me. Then to my utter relief, he nodded.

Me: (closing the distance between us to lean on him) See, you are already doing enough. This, you being here with me, the best cure to my every problem.

Qing: (enveloped me in his arms) You will be fine.

Me: (smiling up at him) I will be fine.

Qing: (leaning down to kiss me on the lips) (with conviction) Yes, you will be fine.

Me: (standing on tiptoe again to return the kiss) Promise you won't do anything. Promise you will pretend that you don't know all the details about this. Just lie if someone ask you...

Qing: (sighing heavily) Will that lift one worry from your mind? That promise?

Me: (nodding) Yes. That promise can also make me eat.

Qing: (frowning) More than soup and crackers?

Me: I will eat a whole platter of stir fry meat and vegetables if you make that promise. With two bowl of rice!

Qing: (finally cracking a smile) Two bowls? Promise?

Me: (nodding) Promise.

Qing: Okay! I promise never to do anything. Let's do it your way. But you have to eat. I will call for delivery.

Me: Call!

Qing: (caressing my cheek gently) I love you Dayu.

Me: I love you too.

He made me to do that promise. He watched (guard) me as I ate a whole plate of stir fry meat and vegetables. I didn't get to finish my rice, I only managed half a bowl but Qing is satified with what I consumed.

That night, he held me as we lay in our bed.

Qing: Dayu...

Me: (a little sleepy) Hmmm...

Qing: (in a quiet tone) Tell me if it became too much. I will take you away from all this craziness.

My sleepiness vanished. I look at him.

Me: What about your career?

Qing: What about it? You know from the start that we are doing this because it is our dream, together. But if this dream is hurting you, I will stop this and just take you away. Tuck you to a place where nothing can hurt you.

Me: But it is still my dream. I am happy doing what I am doing Qing. I am happy to see you doing what you want to do.

Qing: But still, if it becomes too much...

Me: (laid my head back against his shoulder) Let's elope? Like every star crossed lovers in the novels and movies?

Qing laughed a little. Then held me tighter. I close my eyes. I will dream of star crossed lovers tonight. Tomorrow I will be fine.

I have Qing with me. As long as I have him, there's nothing that I can't pass.