All About Us [Yuri Katsuki x Reader]

107 - Set me free

One second passed. Two seconds passed. Three...

Victor's heartbeat was thundering in his chest. He could almost hear it echo in the stillness of his room. He was staring at the ceiling, lost in thought but instead, he felt as if he were staring into dull, lifeless eyes that once were so vibrant despite everything thrown their way.

He could not sleep, his troubled mind would not leave him be. He supposed that it was only right to be stripped of such a privilege to put his cares to rest. His thoughts racing endlessly, his mind was on overdrive as it felt like it was being pounded on by a sledgehammer. In revenge, as in life, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  He has done so much damage when he had warranted so little. Was it so wrong to indulge in human desires?

It was and he knew it. He should have never have given in when he had told himself 'no'. He just...for the briefest moment, seeing him so happy, so free made his heart soar. His happiness reached him and he had thrown caution to the wind...at the cost of a broken heart and a wounded soul. It was a steep price to pay but he paid his dues with his eyes closed...only the things that he had given up were not his own. He was blinded by the thought of love that he had disregarded everything else around him. 

He had done something horribly and inexplicably wrong. He hated himself for it. He was ashamed of himself and was buried in regret. He was vile. He was worse than the scum of the earth. What he did was awful. It was not worth the few seconds of joy since it has brought a lot of pain along with it, destroying everything in its wake. What he did was wrong and he could not justify his actions.

The guilt sat on his chest making it hard to breathe. He cannot undo his actions. He does not even know where to begin to make amends. Even if he punished himself today, even if he punished himself for a thousand years, it would not change the past no matter how hard he wishes it. What's done is done. The toxic feeling has already done its job. He may be putting on airs, putting up a facade, but he was torn. Words cannot express how much he loathed himself ever since...

It was only fair. Now, no matter how much he strives to be the ideal person his conscience wanted him to be, he would now and forevermore be taunted by the horrible thing he has done. He had regretted this one thing more than anything else in his life. Each time the feeling hits, the guilt reemerges again and again and again. It would come in quiet moments. It would come whenever he was out on the rink. It would come whenever he was about to close his eyes and sleep. It would come when he wakes up and realizes the damage he has done. It would come whenever he saw those dull, lifeless eyes. It would come when your absence screamed at him whenever he was alone.

He did this.

He would never be satisfied with his self professed remorse and yet it gnawed at his core.

The poisonous feeling intensified when he had received a call that night from a certain blonde. He told him that he had just spoken to you. He wanted to ask your whereabouts and how were you doing when the younger skater started yelling profanities, both in English and Russian, at him all throughout the very one sided conversation. He took every curse, every insult thrown at him. He deserved it, he deserved it all. He knew that those words would soon seep to the foreground of his mind and demand to be reexamined again. But it was pointless in the end. No amount of self-analysis would turn back the clock. There was no 'next time'. What he did was unforgivable. He was a horrible person and even a worse human being. Yuri...no. He demanded to be called Yurio was in the right when he had yelled it to his ear. He broke something precious, something fragile all because he was selfish for a few measly seconds.

Regret washed over him like the long, slow waves on the beach's shallows. Each wave was cold and sent shivers down his spine. How he longed to go take a different path but there was no way back. There was no way to make it right. He envied the pebbles on the shore. At least, they were hard and lifeless, unable to feel the torments of each crashing wave. Nausea swirled unrestrained in his stomach. His head swam with restless thoughts. His heart felt like his blood has become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. It rung him out until he was dry inside.

He loved Yuri. One could call it love at first sight. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind. He longed for him more than he could say. It was a wonderful thing to be able to truly want someone like this - the feeling was so real, so overpowering. He hadn't felt this way in ages. Maybe he never had before. He also knew that the two of you were romantically engaged and yet he could not stop the beating of his heart. His fondness for the younger skater only grew during his stay. There was something about him that made his heart flutter like a child's. You were aware of it too. You loved him first and what the two of you had was beautiful. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't envious of what the two of you shared.

You were a free-spirit, you were outspoken and you knew what you wanted which were all very admirable traits. He saw you bring out the best in Yuri, something that he tried to emulate. Which was why he had made up his mind the moment he met you in person that he would forget what he felt so that the two of you need not be bothered with his growing emotions. It was easier said than done. He had constantly told himself that he had drawn the line and that he must never cross it.

He allowed his heart to get ahead of himself when he should have been using his head.

And now, he has to live with the fact that the two of you would never be the same again. Yuri's eyes were now dull...he could not begin to imagine the damage he has done to you. He believed that you could see a lot in people's eyes. If you looked hard enough, you would be able to hear the words that they cannot speak. You can see how people feel when they look at you. He has been such an idiot. Now he could not unsee the pained glances you sent his way all because he was allowed himself to be selfish.

He should have done this sooner but his heart was far too stubborn. He knew that it would have saved everyone the heartache if he did. He loved Yuri with all his heart. He also loved the fact that Yuri found love in you and he deeply regrets what he did. He remembers the saying, 'If you love someone, let them go'. It didn't make much sense to him before as he never did find someone to give half his heart to until now. 

The beauty of life is that nothing is set in stone. He could see what he has done, what it was doing to everyone around him. He could never undo the past but he could still make good of the future.