All About Us [Yuri Katsuki x Reader]

104 - Words of the wise

Kissed by the rain and glistening, the wet ground squelched under foot as you shifted.

You would like to think that the past doesn't define you, that past faults are of no consequence in the present. But you don't. In fact, everything that happened in the past helps build who you are today. You heard a lot of people say that you are not your mistakes and that your mistakes aren't you but that's not true. Your mistakes are a part of you. And for all your faults, you have buried yourself beneath burdensome regrets and a mountain of guilt.

"...It is," you repeated, "You're right. It is the only thing that I am good at, It is the only thing I know how to do."

It was his turn to be surprised.

"I thought that I could be brave...but I'm not," you admitted softly,  "I have deluded myself into thinking that I could have ever been in the first place."

You really thought that you had it in you. It was a conscious choice. When things were really tough, you react by trying to escape. Never did you really choose ride the wave and see where it takes you. you always had to put on a brave front to make it seem like everything is okay when it really isn't. You wished that you were really fearless, that nothing gets to you. You hated being mastered by such a basic emotion, a primal urge.

In the shadows of your mind lies the bones in your closet. The very same ones that you so desperately want to forget but can't.  Your inner demons were restless, always active, always whispering even when you seem fine on the outside. You felt as if you were at the verge of collapse. You have finally gotten to the point where you really don't know what to think anymore. You were trapped in this black void of a mess you can't seem to get out of no matter how far or how fast you try to run. Your mind was an ocean, your thoughts a tsunami and your fears were your downfall.

You wished that you could kill the part of yourself that hates yourself so much. But it was impossible. The you that is riddled with mistakes is all that you felt you have become.

But could anyone really blame you?

He found himself scoffing and you winced.

What were you doing? Why were words suddenly coming out of your mouth? You placed a hand over your chest. Your heart was beating erratically. Your palms were sweaty.

"If being brave means the same thing as being stupid, then you're plenty brave," he easily uttered, his voice was laced with a hint of sarcasm.

If you were speaking to someone else, you would have been able to come up with a witty remark in no time at all. But you you couldn't help but begin to agree. You saw truth behind his words. You did not have anything to back yourself up because he was right in a way. You were pretty stupid. You were stupid for acting this way, you were stupid for wanting to run away, to escape. Distancing yourself always seemed like the easiest way, the solution to all things that are wrong. You wouldn't stop for anything if it meant that you could  no longer feel the hurt and anguish you were feeling.

You needed to shuffle your surroundings, to wake up some place you don't know your way around and have conversations in languages you cannot entirely comprehend. You wanted the feeling of being lost as long as it would take you to some far away place, far away from all the bitter heartache.

"I thought that walking away from the issue was brave...I felt that removing myself from the equation would help and spare me the pain..." You muttered. The rain was letting up, "I sometimes wonder if I tend to blow things out of proportion just to make myself feel better...either way it still hurts."

He let out a deep breath, "I rest my case," he said with finality, "You really are the stupidest person I have ever met, (Y/N). 'Spare myself the pain'? What a joke."