cool and unusual punishment

waste (update)

Mmmmmm.

Alright I really didn't want to do this. 

If my reads are any indication no one is a big fan of update chapters usually because they're the bearers of bad news. I hate writing them, too, and the only reason I do it is because

1) I like to be under the illusion that someone will be mildly disappointed and/or care

and

2) the guilt keeps me accountable for my own actions.

If you just need an update, I'll be back Saturday. Probably. I'm going to talk about myself now, which is boring, so feel free to go.

It's hard to shake you people. 

So. I'm currently on vacation at the beach, which has been my rock since I was a child. I did not go last year (which worked out tremendously well in my favor) and some of my cousins can not attend this year but in spite of that I already feel, being here, that this will be a good opportunity for me to blow off some of the high stress that plagues my life.

That is, it would be.

(quick warning here because I'm doing to talk about my personal shit and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable) 

I would not say I have any kind of disorder or anything similar- after all, I haven't been professionally diagnosed- but I have chronically terrible self esteem and I use numbers to beat the living shit out of myself. How I'm allowed to feel about every facet of my life, from my body to my relationships, can usually be tied down to some statistics. I'll also do things like schedule myself down to the hour, usually with goals I'm physically incapable of making, especially if I want my project to be of actual quality. I hold myself to these because otherwise I procrastinate for hours and then I feel really bad about myself. If I don't set rigorous food goals I'll binge or mindlessly eat. If I do not schedule myself to contact people on the daily, chances are I won't contact most people, because socializing is hard.

Now, if I don't make goals, I put them to tomorrow. If I don't make them that day, I move them to the next day. In this way things that need to get done eventually get done.

... I may or may not have ended up with thirty chapters over vacation.

Obviously, this isn't going to happen. But even trying to get out the chapters I need to keep up queue involves aggravating circumstances, and since I'm spending most of that time procrastinating out of stress anyways, the best solution at this point is to pull the plug on my Wi-Fi for a full week so I can't lapse back into bad habits. I might check in with an art update later this week, and I'll be queuing chapters anyways, but I will not be *actively* online until next Saturday. Then I'll get back to reading people's books, writing 5K a day, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand whatever that entails. 

For the record, before you comment, I'm fine, or at least better. This kind of thing has grown out of bad habits that grew out of habits that were bound to catch up to me eventually. What's important is that I can keep myself under control, I have a good support group of friends, and I'm not miserable all the time. I'll have bad days, but doesn't everyone? I just need a liiiiittle bit of personal space for a bit so I can try to enjoy my happy place-

-without writing the  incredible emotional rollercoaster that's about to take place in some of my stories. Prepare for feels.