cool and unusual punishment

momentum

i can't fall back down the hill again.

i've spent a whole month doing nothing. i can't bring myself to be happy. i can't bring myself to work harder. i want to be back at crew but i'm not even working hard towards that. i could be stretching right now. i have homework. i have college. i have everything. there's so many opportunities and i cant even make myself do things half the time and it's never enough and nothing i write is going to get me anywhere and i don't even want to go downstairs half the time because i get asked questions and i have to smile and be on top of things so i don't get in trouble and i just want to be able to do this but i can't even do it consistently and i'm not supposed to be doing nanowrimo this year i've been explicitly banned from doing so but i was last year too and what if i really am wasting my time on this several people have pretty explicitly stated these are bad ideas but i need this and at the same time i just can't get it going and i wanted to do better so badly and i think this is at least better than tenth grade but i just can't FOCUS at all god damn it