cool and unusual punishment

no paths diverge in these untamed woods, yet i gaze between trees and see a road

So today was an adventure.

I started the day thinking I was going to seat race to finally determine if I'd be on the 1V for states/nationals, then my coach informed me I would not be on the 1V at all, then I took my 2k test, and then, quite suddenly, I was back on his launch, competing for that seat again. 

As you can guess this was kind of an emotional roller coaster. Add that to the upcoming test season and the five or something projects I have to deal with, a few of which have lasting impact on my future (we have this whole service proposal ordeal at my school... let's just say my life is a mess right now) and I'm well and truly Frazzled.

I have the unfortunate tendency to push myself to perfection in all areas of my life. This might sound good to most people, at least in theory, but my self-esteem and mood swing all over the place because I've essentially tethered myself to my goals like a mountain climber and am now attempting to scale my life up towards them.

It's not a good rope and the mountain fucking sucks.

On another, equally depressing note, the single-minded pursuit of my goals also makes me come off as cold and often abrasive, and my social skills were never good to begin with. I mix up words, forget names or events, and sometimes I turtle-shell up in social situations, especially when I'm not doing well emotionally. Add all this together and you have me, trying to pile impossible projects on myself, completely alone, with no one to stop me because I decided not telling my friends that I'm buckling under the pressure was the best way to get them not to worry about me.

So today was one of those days when that reallly cracked down on me. I already thought I was off the 1v but it still kind of hit me like a brick? Now, since I'm "back on the right track", I'm feeling better, but the happiness is about as fleeting as the apathy-to-despair that overwhelms me when I'm NOT making progress. No matter which way I'm swinging at the moment, it's not balanced, and I can't keep up with myself most of the time. 

I'm not saying any of this because I want pity or sympathy, because I don't. I just want to be better.

I'm saying this because hurtling this is a pain and it's a pain that's wearing on a lot of other areas in my life, and that includes my writing. My audience is usually on the decline because of my inconsistent update schedule, which is one of the reasons I've been stuck at 1.33K for two months now, and I feel guilty as hell about constantly taking back release dates because I shut down or making unrealistic promises and not following through with them. I'm definitely sick of how spiteful this whole thing is making me, or how much I hate myself, and how I can't seem to do anything about it though I know it's all in my head.  

Given current circumstances, I'm going to have to postpone getting back on track with writing until May 5th, and updates will be sketchy this month. I have travelling regattas, which means we'll be going out the whole weekend (it's an incredible experience though! no matter what boat I'm on I'm super excited), school testing and final projects will demand my time, and I really, really want to get Extraordinary AND potentially the Amalgam book back on track.

In the meantime, things that do legitimately help me out:

-Comment. Seriously, please comment on my stuff. I don't even care if it's just the begging for the next chapter other people tell you not to do- just a reminder someone is out there shifts it from personal punishment (GET 10K OUT THERE TO ATONE FOR YOUR SINS STAT) to something I'm doing because I care about it and other people care about it. It's a lot of validation and I know this sounds really petty but it helps me out a lot.

-Talk to me, if you have the time. I don't bite but I do have a hard time making the first move around new people. I'm always open for PMs- I might not respond for a while but I can and will get around to it. If you have any questions about my worldbuilding or characters I will blab your ears off for hours. If you have a new project or some issue in your life I'll do what I can to help you through it. 

-Heck, just the fact that you guys have stuck around this long is a blessing. Thanks, as always. You know who you are out there. You guys are my inspiration, my reason for writing, and just thinking about my close friends out here makes me smile.