cool and unusual punishment

No One Reads Update Chapters, Obligatory Clickbait About Gays

(content warning: my opinions.) 

...

...

Damnit.

I had been meaning to talk about my sudden absence (at least from this book and my art book) anyways, but that chapter yesterday looks a lot different from that chapter today. To sum that up I have this extension called StayFocusd that I've installed to Chrome to put a damper on my procrastination, and for a while Wattpad was one of the sites I set it to limit my time on. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but I usually do waste a fair bit of time on here. I've since changed that, because potatoes, so feel free to hit me up. I guess.

As for other things, I really don't know if I'm going to be able to finish the stories I wanted to finish, but it's not for the reasons you think.

Hear me out.

I had this fun little fear motivator/insurance plan where I told myself I had to finish the 73 chapter gamut or, because I've been lowkey panicking about this for months now, I would tell my mom I wanted to date this friend of mine. This feeeeeeeeemale friend.

Yeah that really didn't go well. 

I was pretty much shut down there. I thought I was easing them (okay, at least my mom) into it, I came out in October (admittedly because they tried to search my phone and I had a panic attack) and then kept dropping hints, but today I basically got told that "kissing girls is a normal part of growing up *in preparation* for kissing guys", that "you're narrowing your options down by labeling yourself because most guys won't date a bisexual woman",  oh and get this, that I would "make members of my crew team uncomfortable". Then there was this long tirade about how I didn't know enough about myself to label myself, that my generation's whole problem amounts to labelling themselves too much, and that I could talk "once I'd been around the block".

I don't think it would have hurt as much as it did if these weren't things I thought about on a regular basis. I mean, I really don't give a fuck about whatever guys wouldn't date me if I'm bisexual, sorry if this fucks you over future Chrona, and I live in perpetual fear that the small amount of kindness I've been shown by the crew team would disappear if they found out anything about 'me'. Whatever. That's really not the problem here. The problem is the effect it'll have on the girl who has literally cut off any potential relationships in hopes we could be together (oh yeah, and trust me, everyone wants her. She is literally the most incredible person I have met my entire life. She's kind, funny, introspective, everything I have ever wanted to be, her family is cool as all hell, she does charity work for things besides the hours, she's a writer, she's helped me through the toughest times in my life, she draws too, and for some reason this incredible, incredible person is attracted to me) for months if not years and has gotten two kisses and a middle finger out of it. The problem is that I can't submit anything to anywhere with any overtures of this content, nor am I allowed to "mention it to anyone" (whoops). I'd be happy to send in all the poetry I wrote about wanting to die last year, but I'm sure that's not going to fly either. 

The problem is that I'm not only going to have to be out of the house to start publishing but I'm going to have to be out of the house, financially stable, and UP UNTIL THAT POINT I am in constant danger of having my passion basically vetoed or I'm going to be crammed into ABAB poetry and inoffensive stories about gal pals (no lie, my mom likes ABAB poetry. I can't hate her for most things but I loathe that. ABAB poetry is the worst. It's like the vanilla ice cream of poetry, but it's worse than vanilla, because vanilla IS A FLAVOR and is WELL LIKED)

(sorry poetry tangent) 

The problem is that I'm not going to be able to get around this. 

I am not a very brave person. People believe I am because I am naturally prone to conflict. I am abrasive as hell and regularly put myself in situations where I'm going to get tossed. It still stands that I am about as tough as a leaf being hit by the full force of a blow dryer.  I have broken off friendships (oh yeah, that's still fucking me up to this day, biggest mistake of my life), spent YEARS creating passcodes and deleting things before anyone could get to them, hell, when I was really little I tore out the entire Fiction section out of my notebook, and I have lied to people for y e a r s about my real interests, my real friends, just about anything to get people away from me and off my back. I am scared of large groups of people to the point where I have isolated myself into a corner that has taken most of tenth grade and probably most of eleventh grade to get out of. I'm usually not sure which part of me is the 'authentic' part because of this. I am a fucking hodgepodge at this point and all the advice people give us at this age is to be ourselves but when we're honest, 

yeah, no one really wants that, do they? 

Oh yeah, be yourself, but don't do *that*. Turn it down a little. People are staring at you. 

I never meant to make my sexuality such a large part of my identity, in fact, I don't even consider it to be anything worth mentioning, but I suppose I just always wrote like there was no statement to make. Characters were what they were because it made sense, I'd keep an eye out for groups I hadn't represented without pigeonholing, and I guess I'm still working on that, but there is legitimately nothing of mine I could show my parents that wouldn't get me banned from the Internet until I was eighteen. Whether it's the fact that I'm wasting my time with fanfiction (not my sentiment, apologies), the poly trio and darker themes of Deja Vu, the fact that I'm still on about the goddamn sparkledogs (oh yeah they're all gay), 

it's all a bad reflection on them, personally. 

(I also hadn't written parent characters outside of caricatures for the first half of my career because I was warned in no uncertain terms that people would think that I had personally been slighted. I thought no one would notice Angel, ah ha ha...) 

It's hard to say I'll grow out of anything when I've been growing into all of this my whole life. 

Anyways, after all that I legitimately feel unsafe even being on here or writing at all. It's going to sound ridiculous, but I flinched writing the title... ha. I'm going to do what I can, and I do have... a lot of material queued. By a lot I mean a lot a lot. The 'shortest' queue I have could get me through all of September and that's because Deja Vu updates biweekly (it's not my most popular story, but unlike Where The River Bends, people actually give enough of a fuck to comment, and most of my close friends (and myself) are really invested in the story). 

I know this must have been a trip to read, but I'm... really not angry, and I'm not looking for pity here. What I really need right now is a friend.