[Zoe and Madison babysitting]
Child: [drops ice cream]
Child: [is about to cry]
Zoe: Quick, Madison, do something!
Madison: Uhh... don't cry! I'm sweet and way cooler. You can lick my face.
Child: [looks at Madison for a second and wails]
———————————————————————
Ally: [reading a fortune cookie] If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same.
Kai: [with his mouthful] Kill two.
———————————————————————
Kidnapper: [on the phone] We have your daughter.
Zoe: But I don't have a daughter.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] Then who the fuck just asked for chocolate milk and made us cut the crust of her PB&J?!
Zoe: Oh god.
Kidnapper: What?
Zoe: You have Madison, my girlfriend. I apologise in advance for what she's gonna do to you.
———————————————————————
Sally: [tweeting] I'm high asf.
Sally: [replying] Me too.
Sally: [replying again] Lol oh shit that's me.
———————————————————————
[After doing a test]
Zoe: What did you guys get for question 5?
Queenie: I got 18.
Mallory: Oh I got 9.5.
Madison: I got... Abraham Lincoln, for some reason.
