Secret Love Nest 2018

It Sucks pt2

It was really a fine thing that Qing can't halt his shooting to come and comfort me because I decided to leave Beijing and come home to Harbin.

My mother needs me so I ran to be with her.

Mama: (hugging me tight as her greeting) Thank God you are here now.

I hugged her and looked up to see my Baba standing by the open door of our home and staring at us with that muted guilt on his eyes.

I kissed my Mama's temple.

Me: You and me, we are in this together. He is the villain, Mama. He is in the wrong. You and I have rights to be mad.

Mama: (sniffing) I hate him, Dayu ah. I hate that he is making me hate myself.

Me: Mama...

Fuck! We are back to me calling my mother's name because I don't know how to comfort her.

Mama: (letting me go) I should have been there. I should have known. Why didn't I know? What kind of useless wife am I?

Anger rose in my chest. I captured my Mama's face between my palms and made her look at me.

Me: (looking at her eyes) You are not useless. Don't say that. He is damn lucky to have you. This is not on you, it's on him.

Mama: (lips quevering) I just have many why's, Dayu ah. And I don't know how to ask him all of those why's.

I hugged my mother again. She cried against my shoulder and in that moment, may God forgive me, but I want to deck my father hard. I want to punch him for making my mother cry like this.

Eventually, Mama calmed down and we get inside our home. This home that my parents bought and filled with happy memories for themselves and for their only son...me.

But that day, our home was gloomy. Mama is the heart of our home. She is our queen. She feels gloomy so suffice it to say, our home is gloomy like her. The atmosphere of our home depends on my mother.

We were quiet while having lunch together. Mama's cooking was a bit awry. Her soup taste bland and her rice had too much water. But we ate them without complaining because the truth is, we were not tasting the food in front of us. We were eating to keep our hands and mouths occupied so we can pretend that we don't have to discuss the pink elephant in the room.

What now? What should we do now? How do we pass and move on from this?

After lunch, Baba asked me to follow him at the back of our home to talk.

Baba: Don't be silent on me too. Your mother is bad enough, Dayu, not you as well.

Me: (nodding) Fine, let's talk. What now?

Baba: (sighing dejectedly) I don't know.

God that is just rich. I guess in this, Baba and Qing are different. Baba is at least thinking of ways to make us understand his decision. Qing...if this is my lover in Baba's situation, he will tell me to suck it up and just move on.

"It already happened, Dayu ah. Let's just put this behind us. No real harm was done. You will only burden yourself if you will harp on this..."