We're Something Odd TheOddOnesOut x SomethingElseYT + One Shots [Completed]

Regrets (One Off)

(Hey, this chapter is gonna get a list sad. Ok, I lot sad. Just a warning.)

James'POV

I should of known better. Why didn't I help him? Why wasn't I there for him when he needed me most?

It's not always easy to tell when someone is breaking. Sometimes it happens right before your eyes. Adam was like that. He was pretty prideful. He didn't like to open up about his problems. So, it took a lot out of him to tell me about his depression. I remember him crying info my shirt. Looking to me for help. I wanted to help but I didn't understand him.

It was our secret at the time. Adam didn't really like talking about it. He didn't mention it to family, friends, or fans. It was just me. I had to push him a seek help from a professional. He did it to make me happy. He would do anything to make me happy. For the first few months it worked. He looked happier and healthier. He was getting more work done and having fun with everyone.

But, when July hit, he was depressed again. Everyone was worried about him during Vidcon. I tried to stop speculations the best I could. I wanted to tell them at the time, but Adam would be upset. He's very prideful.

His doctor prescribed anti-depressants for him. He didn't want to take them at first, but after a lot of begging from me he started taking them. They helped him a lot more than I thought they would. He was super happy. I was happy for him.

One night, around three in the morning, I went up to get some water. I noticed Adam wasn't in bed with me.  I went into the living room and I saw him. He was dangling from the ceiling.

Everyone tells me it's not my fault. You did everything you could James. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like I failed him. I'm a terrible boyfriend. Why didn't I tell him how much he ment to me? Why didn't I tell him how much I love him? My biggest regret is not being able to help him. Now being able to talk him out of it. For not noticing the signs. For not doing my research.

Now I'll never see him again. I'll never see his smiling face. I'll never hear him laugh. I'll never feel him in my arms. I'll never kiss him again. 

What's been harder was announcing to his fans that he wasn't gonna be making videos anymore. To tell his family what happened. To tell his friends. To move on. I tried putting myself out there again but no one can replace Adam.

I wear is sweather almost all the time. I listen to his videos to remember his voice. I'm just torturing myself but I deserve to be in pain for not being there for him. Somedays, I ask myself why I'm still here? Why am I still alive? Why can't I just die and be with him?

But I have an answer. Last week I found a letter on Google Docs.

Dear Jameson,
    Hey. I'm writing you this to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you James. You deserved so much more than I can give you. I know you're confused and sad by my suicide so I'll try to comfort you in the way I can. To be honest living was torcher for me. It's not you're fault, you gave me the best moments of my life. Depression just doesn't really have a reason for being there. Anyway, to make sure you're not too sad I left a few drawing, pictures, and letters that I personally wrote to help you cope. You could share them with fans or keep them to yourself. Whatever makes you happy. Just know that, this isn't you're fault James. There's nothing you could of done to prevent this. Just know how much I love you James and how much I want you to be happy. I need to promise me something. Don't stop smiling, never do what I did. Keep loving yourself and others. And I'll promise that someday we will meet again. This isn't the end James, I promise.

Sincerely,
Adam

That's what keeps me going. I know that Adam would want me to. I may of failed him once, but I won't fail him again. He's in my heart and I still have all these stories that he hasn't shared with me yet.

I went to his grave after I found his letter. "Hey baby. How's it going? Hope you're ok wherever you are. I-I miss you." I tried hard not to cry. "I found the letter you left me. Thank you for that. I-It's be-en hard....after you p-p-asted. B-But I-m gonna tr-y. For Y-you A-A-Adam. Because....I-I l-love you so much! I just w-wish I-I t-told y-ou s-ooner!" I started balling my eyes out at this point. It still hurts so bad, but I'm trying.

For him.