The LoveShot

Coming to Terms

The next day rolled by and Suzy just couldn't shake all of her emotions from the previous day. Sighing to herself as she stared into the mirror, her hair dripping fresh water droplets, she tried her hardest to read her own mind but only failed and instead made herself beyond frustrated.

"What is wrong with you? Why can't you just identify how you feel and express it?" Throwing her towel at the mirror in disgust, she stormed off to get ready for the intimacy class that would be starting soon.

Once ready in her all black attire, she got in her car, reconditioning her mind for what she would say to Brian. She was so determined that when she would see him today, she would try her hardest to make herself trust him and not run away from her feelings.

Pulling into the driveway, she took in a deep breath before looking into the mirror and saying, "We can do this."

Inside the building, she walked in expecting to see Brian, but only saw the instructor who approached her smiling. "Oh good. You're here. Let's begin."

"Uh, where Brian? Shouldn't we be wai-?"

"Mr. K is not coming." Her confused expression was answered before she could even utter another word. "He's still not feeling well today, so I have planned something special for you. Instead of facing Young K or me, like you usually would, I just want you to sit facing the wall today with your eyes closed. But do be sure to leave at least five inches between you and the wall." Once seated, the instructor continued. "Be sure to clear your mind of any thoughts or worries you may have in this moment. Just focus on relaxing each and every muscle one by one in your body and when you are completely relaxed, you may open your eyes."

After a moment of silence, Suzy was finally able to open her eyes. A mirror had been placed where it hadn't been before. "I want you to look yourself in the eyes and keep looking unless I say otherwise." For some odd reason, it intimidated her. Not the mirror, but herself. Seeing her own face made her feel somewhat threatened causing her body to unconsciously tense up. "Relax your limbs. Erase all thoughts and negativity. Just focus solely on your eyes." After a moment, she could feel tears welling up within her being to spill out one by one. They became too many in number to hold in and provoked too strong of an emotion to keep quiet. "Crying is the cleansing of the soul. Wash your soul, if you please. Just keep in mind that only the strongest of people cry tears of true meaning and your tears are no different."

With every word said, she began to cry and break down more and more until she was in nothing but shambles.

She cried.

She cried hard and out loud.

Covering her face with her hands, she began trying to viciously wipe away her tears when she heard the voice of the instructor pull her back. "You are a very strong person. Every tear that you spill has a deep and meaningful meaning. Your wounds are not ignored by others, but what about you?"

That's when it hit her. The very last thing that the instructor had said truly hit home for her as she slowly began to realize something.

"Would you like to tell me of your wounds? It seems as though you have been holding them in for a very long time." She continued to cry for a while longer before talking.

"I can't.. I can't do it.." she started. "I can't stand to look at the person I see everyday and I feel horrible about how I treat him. If I could just tell Brian how I felt.. If I could just trust him and myself enough to let him know everything, I feel like I could.. I could trust him." She cried a little harder, starting to shake.

"And what is it that you do to Brian that you don't like?"

"I avoid him. I don't talk to him, I'm not honest with my feelings and I.. I hide from him because.. because I'm afraid that if he sees who I really am, he'll hate me." She cried. "Ugh, it's so hard to breathe." She said wiping her eyes. "I hate crying."

"It's okay." The instructor's voice was like that of a fresh wind softly caressing her fragile heart with every word spoken - void of judgement. "Crying is good for the soul. What is your truth that you are hiding?" Suzy stayed silent a while before mumbling something. "Say it again." The instructor pressed.

"I hate myself." Her eyes burning with fear and regret as she looked at the blurred form of the instructor.

"Not to me, say it to yourself. Look yourself in the eyes when you speak. Say it like it's the most important words in the world, and listen to yourself as if they are the only words in the world that mattered. Lift your head up, sweetie."

"I can't see anything."

"That's alright. Just look where you think your eyes are and say it."

"I hate you." The words hurt.

"Say it again."

"I hate you." She paused. She felt her own pain. "I hate.. I.." She began silently crying again. Tears pouring down like showers in April. "No.." She mumbled, looking back down at her hands.

"That's not your truth is it?" She shook her head in response. "Tell yourself the truth. What is the thing that's hardest to accept?"

"I hate running away." She started. "I hate running away, but I do it because I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"I'm scared of getting too close and comfortable. I'm scared that if I do, I will hurt him."

"Hurt who?"

"Brian.. Our relationship. Us."

"But what is it that you truly want?"

"I just want to be able to tell him the truth, get through this movie and be friends like we used to be."

"But ask yourself this: What if, to Brian, your friendship never ended or changed?" Suzy paused, listening to every word. "What if Brian believes that things are only hurting for you right now because maybe he has done something wrong to you or hasn't said or shared something with you? What if he feels this way about hating himself because he sees his best friend suffering, and so he blames himself for not being able to fix it?"

She pondered over those words and soon was able to look back at herself again with new questioning -

- none of which were negative.