𝙛𝙖𝙩𝙚 ⚣ 𝙘𝙩𝙝+𝙖𝙛𝙞 ✔

4

HE HAS NO RIGHT LOOKIN THAT GOOD ^

when you comment it literally makes my day just sayin

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It was almost a week later when Ashton decided to accept that he had screwed up. He had been laying in bed late Friday night, with Dylan sound asleep beside him. He had looked over at the raven-haired man and smiled, because he looked so peaceful while he slept. He noticed the occasional soft snores that the man let out, and it made him so happy.

And suddenly, Ashton realized that almost everything about the man beside him was a trait that Calum also had (or at least, he used to). Ashton knew that he had hurt Calum during their last interaction at the coffee shop. He knew that seeing him with anyone other than himself broke Calum even more than he already had been.

And he knew that even though it was a bad idea to revisit those memories, he reached for his phone anyways and opened their old text messages. He read through them for what felt like hours, until his vision was blurry with tears. He read through all the pain, the arguments, the neediness, the random horniness and all the love confessions. He read through when they'd planned a future together, how they wanted kids, to get married, buy a house and wake up every morning to see each other.

Before he even realized, he had sent himself spiralling down a dark path of memories he had tried so hard to repress. His tears flowed freely, his breathing was shallow and his heart ached desperately. He hated himself. God, he fucking hated himself. He had something perfect and he ruined it because he couldn't handle being so loved, accepted and appreciated. He suddenly felt a cool hand on his bare shoulder, followed by a pair of lips.

"Breathe, love." Dylan cooed soothingly. "Whatever it is, it'll be okay. Just breathe."

"I-I know it'll be okay-" Ashton cried quietly. "I just wish it a-always could be..."

Dylan let a sigh escape his lips. He pulled Ashton into his chest and kissed his temple lovingly. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

No, Ashton did not want to talk about it. But a relationship could not be built on lies, hidden feelings and secrets. A relationship without trust is like a phone without internet connection. When your phone doesn't have internet, what do you do? You play games.

And Ashton wasn't sure he could live through another relationship without trust. He loved what they had now, but in this moment, he had the chance to destroy everything. He desperately wanted to avoid that. So that was why he whispered, "Sure."

Dylan just waited patiently for the older man to start talking. He would've waited forever if he had to. Because love is patient, love is kind, and love can heal a broken heart with enough time.

"You remember that guy from the coffee shop, right?"

"The one you used to go out with?" Dylan asked, knowing the answer. "Yeah, why?"

"His name is Calum, and when I say 'we used to go out,' that's an understatement. We dated for a really long time, around a year, and we were ready to move in together. But then we got in this really big fight, and I kind of-" Ashton let out a shaky breath. "Not kind of, I tried to take my own life."

"Oh." Dylan hadn't been informed--in that much detail--how their relationship had gone. "I'm so sorry, Ash."

"It's okay, I'm better now." Ashton promised, "Because I have you."

Dylan pecked his temple again, bringing a small smile to his face. "You always will."

That made Ashton very happy. But he had to finish explaining. "My best friend, Michael, found me, and he took me to the hospital. They stitched me up, and I slowly got better. But not really. Calum felt terrible because he thought what I did was his fault, but it wasn't. He tried so hard to make me happy again, but he couldn't. We couldn't talk without fighting, and I realized that what we had wasn't love anymore."

"Oh." Dylan repeated. "So what did you do?"

"Well, he suggested that we get a therapist of some sort, because he needed our relationship to last, needed it to work. I did too. So I told him that I would, and that he should come down here to be with me while we worked everything out."

"But did you?"

"No." Ashton regretfully admitted. "We didn't get a therapist. We didn't work anything out."

"What did you do instead?"

"He sang to me, which was really nice. Then we had sex." Ashton felt terrible for saying that so bluntly, but it was true. "I said I was an idiot, because it wasn't smart to rush back into something like that since we tended to get distracted by it...then he yelled at me for a while, told me how much he was hurting, and I-"

Ashton started crying again. Dylan was quick to console him. With soft kisses to his head, gentle squeezes to his hand and reassuring words, after a while, Ashton was able to speak again.

"The next morning, I told him that I didn't love him anymore, and I let him yell at me all he wanted, but I didn't change my mind. He packed up his things and left, and I didn't see him for a year up until last week."

Ashton felt it would be better to leave out how he'd gone to Michael's apartment looking for Calum, only to be told the most saddening thing in the most heartbreaking voice he'd ever heard. It still broke his heart to think about it. Those nine words haunted his nightmares and repeated in his brain constantly, teasing him, reminding him of the mistake he'd made.

"Okay-" Dylan was still trying process everything he had just been told. "So you guys dated for a year, and he lives here, but he's obviously not American, so how did you meet?"

"We met online." Ashton murmured softly, his hand reaching for Dylan's to lock their fingers together. "He's Australian, just like me."

"Okay." Dylan repeated again. "I don't know what to do with all of this information, but I love you, and I'll always be here for you, so I hope that means something?"

"It does. I love you too."

Ashton was very grateful for the man he got to call his. He was smart, he was funny. He was gorgeous, inside and out. He was supportive of everything Ashton did. He was so perfect, and Ashton knew he probably didn't deserve him. He was an amazing person. Ashton loved absolutely everything about him. There was only one problem.

He wasn't Calum.

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i keep re-reading this and it's not getting any better so imma just publish it and go cry

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