Calum wasn't exactly doing great. But when was he, honestly? He'd gone to see the doctor who'd be removing his tattoo, for his first appointment, and of course, he felt embarrassed and ashamed. It was a big decision to get the tattoo in the first place and an even bigger one to get it removed. But he strongly believed that if he and Ashton were going to end up together, they'd be starting from the beginning.
Of course, when a long relationship ends, the clock only pauses, in case, hypothetically, the couple get back together. If they do decide to get back together, it does not restart. The time from before still counts. They still know each other, often still love each other (especially in this case) and so they would just pick up from where they left off. Right now it was paused. Maybe for a long time. But Calum refused to believe that it was indefinite.
Hope was the only thing keeping him going. If he admitted to himself that he and Ashton might never even speak again, he'd have no reason left to live. Pathetic, he knew. But that was love. For him at least. And he hated that. He hated himself, and he hated that the man he loved the most in the world had left him like nothing. Sure, he'd apologized, but he had before, and he hadn't changed.
So Calum went for his first session of six. It wasn't a large tattoo, which meant it wouldn't take long to remove. And, while he was there, he decided that he wanted more tattoos. Ironic? A little. Stupid? Maybe. But it was what he wanted. He wanted tattoos for him. It was his body, and he would cover it in things he wanted, because it was easier to commit to himself than to anyone else.
Immediately after getting home from the doctor's office, he began doing research. Designs, phrases, and where he wanted the tattoo to be. He figured, at this point, since the canvas that was his chest/stomach and arms were covered, he'd be getting them on his back. Either his shoulder or spine. Perhaps both. It depended. He would never get one on his lower back, lest Michael and Luke would tease him about it, calling it a 'tramp stamp' among other things.
Around 7pm, he finally decided on what it would be. The place nearby that he went to was still open, plus he knew one of the guys who worked there from previous visits. So he called in and made an appointment for the next day. And he knew that it was a quick decision, but he wasn't going to regret it. Because for once, he was doing something for his own happiness, not sacrificing his own happiness for even just the idea that someone could love him back.
Ashton wrote in the note that if Calum never wanted to see him again, that was okay. Calum didn't want to imagine his life without Ashton in it. It caused him physical pain to think about a life without the man. But he had lied a lot, and, well, simply put, he was a two-timing bastard. Calum couldn't just stop loving Ashton, but it would probably be better for both of them if they weren't apart of each others lives for a while.
He didn't want that. He wanted more than anything for all of this to be over. He wanted them to be together. He wanted them to buy and house, raise a family, and live the rest of their lives knowing that even though there were millions of people they could've ended up with, they found each other. And he fell asleep thinking about the future that they might never have, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could wish it into being.
-
Calum woke up with a surprising feeling of excitement blooming in his chest. He loved getting tattoos. It made him feel alive. He liked the pain for more than one reason and he loved going home with a new design that had a new meaning etched into his skin. This particular design meant a lot to him. A rose, with petals drifting upwards, and the words 'life is tough my darling, but so are you' down his spine.
He was aware that it would be considered a little more on the feminine side, but truthfully, anyone who believed that words or even a flower were 'girly' or 'delicate' needed to keep their mouths shut. It was a beautiful design and it would make Calum feel beautiful, even if only for a little while. He hated himself for thinking this, but he also knew that Ashton would like it.
God, he missed him. Every inch of him. He wanted to feel Ashton's lips on him again. He missed the way Ashton could just smile at him and every worry of his would melt away. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair. He needed him. Fuck, he was craving him. And there was nothing he could do about it now, because Ashton was gone. No, no, no. He couldn't think like that. He shook his head, like it would make those thoughts leave his mind.
He was kidding himself, because Ashton was gone and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, but he didn't see it doing any harm.
He showered, dressed into clothes that were comfortable and easy to take off (his shirt, anyway) and grabbed the few things he needed before heading out. He still didn't want to eat anything even though he knew he should, so he stopped for iced coffee instead. And, while he was there, he grabbed a scone for the drive. He hated himself, but he couldn't starve himself because then Ashton won.
He knew Ashton's goal wasn't to make him feel so horribly self-conscious that he simply wanted to give up. It just happened. He knew Ashton loved him. He was just no good at showing it. Not anymore. In the early stages of their relationship, Ashton had been amazing. He spoiled him, kissed him a hundred times a day and, more than anything, made him feel safe. But he'd changed, and not for the better. Which Calum still blamed himself for.
While he drove, he decided to listen to music. Music was his escape. He turned up the volume on the radio. The radio show hosts blabbed on about some new drama within either the government or some celebrities (Calum wasn't listening, really) until finally, a song began to play. A song he had refused to listen to for a year, and had succeeded in doing so up until this very moment.
"What would I do without your smart mouth?"
"Oh, fuck you." Calum hissed at the radio. But he let it play.
"Drawing me in, and you kicking me out."
This song meant so much to him, but the memories it brought hurt a million times more than any pain he'd ever felt.
"You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down."
Ashton had sung this for him after the last time they'd had sex before he had to leave. When things were good.
"What's going on in that beautiful mind? I'm on your magical mystery ride."
He'd pressed lingering kisses to his forehead and temple while keeping an arm around his waist, afraid that he'd disappear if he let go.
"And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright."
He missed when things were that simple. Tears welled in his eyes. "Goddamnit, I don't wanna cry." He wiped his eyes quickly. "Please, don't cry." He laughed at himself bitterly and sniffled. "It's fine, it's fine. I'm fine."
Except he wasn't. So he turned to radio off. He continued to drive. And he reached his destination. Physically, at least. Emotionally, he could never have all that he wanted. Not a wedding, or a family. But he had Duke. And he got to see the people he was closest to have their happily ever after. So that was something.
But was it enough?
-
you know he had to do it to 'em
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