𝙛𝙖𝙩𝙚 ⚣ 𝙘𝙩𝙝+𝙖𝙛𝙞 ✔

33

cal's fit . tiniest bit of fluff then lotta angst and then . well i can't tell you you'll see. 

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Calum woke up to strong arms around his waist, fingers and legs tangled with his and kisses being pressed to his neck and shoulder. He didn't dare move because then all of this lovely attention he'd missed so much would end. He didn't know who it was that sat behind him. He couldn't remember anything from the night before. He just knew he had a headache.

Some small part of him hoped it was Harry again. Harry was wonderful. Harry took care of him how he deserved to be taken care of. But he recognized the feeling of the firm chest that he was nestled into, and he was certain it belonged to someone he knew much, much better. 

"Good morning." The man whispered, confirming Calum's theories.

He couldn't deny that it was one of the best sleeps he'd had in a while. But it wasn't right. So he pulled himself out of his arms and stood at the side of his bed, swaying only slightly. "What are you doing here?"

Ashton yawned and stretched. Calum was briefly distracted by his shirt being lifted up, but he shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. "Um, I was cuddling you."

"But why?"

Ashton sighed softly and closed his legs, since Calum was no longer sitting between them. "You've got a killer headache, yeah?"

Calum nodded.

"Do you know why that is?"

"I've got a general idea." Obviously, he'd had a lot to drink.

"You got super drunk last night and sent me a bunch of texts. Telling me you love me, you're sorry for the way that everything happened, you need a hug and for me to tell you that everything's gonna be okay because it doesn't feel like it is. I figured something was wrong, so I came over to check on you."

"That isn't your place. I was fine."

"No you weren't." Ashton firmly corrected. "Do you even remember what happened? What you were doing?"

"No."

"You were curled up in a ball in your shower, under boiling hot water, crying and screaming. You hadn't bothered to take off your boxers, and the rest of your clothes were in the living room, with the bottles. So many bottles."

"Well, I..."

"Calum, I know you're not okay. But I wanna fix this. Us. Because I need you just as much as you need me."

"I don't need you. You're a liar and a cheater and I'd be better off without you."

"I love you and you love me and there's no point denying it. We're meant to be together and if you don't think that you're crazy."

"It doesn't matter if we're 'meant to be'. You hurt me and I don't trust you."

"I know, but..."

"I know the truth. What actually happened with you and Dylan. How you didn't break up with him until after you'd left me. How could you do that to me? To him?"

"I'm really sorry, angel. I love you." 

"Don't fucking call me that. I'm not your angel. And you're going to have to do a lot better than a fucking apology and telling me you love me. You lied. You tricked me into believing you'd changed so I would sleep with you. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

"Angry?"

"You're damn fucking right I'm angry. You think that after everything you've done, everything you've put me through, telling me you love me and giving me that fake ass 'I'm sorry' is gonna make anything better? You think I'll just forgive and move on and we'll get married and buy a house in the suburbs and have kids like nothing ever went wrong?"

"Cal-"

"You're a goddamn idiot, Ashton. You're still the same man who nearly killed me because you couldn't handle your own problems, and then almost got me killed for the same reason."

"I-I..."

"I need to see proof that you've changed. I need to see it with my own two eyes because right now, I won't believe a word that comes out of your mouth and I hate myself for loving you."

"How do I prove to you that I'm not that man anymore?"

"Make an effort. That is the smartest, and quite frankly most attractive thing you could do at this point. But honestly, I'm so tired of telling you." He ran his hand over his face. "I don't wanna have to tell you to make an effort to be with me. You should just want to. But you haven't cared in so long and I just...I don't know what to do."

"I do care, Cal. This is--this is all I care about. You're all I care about." 

"But you don't act like it." Calum rubbed his eyes and sighed. "I'm not even asking for happiness, just a little less hurt..." 

"I-I am so sorry. I know how much I hurt you. I just want to make everything go back to normal because I'm literally nothing without you." 

"This isn't a stupid romance movie. It's quite possible that neither of us get our happy ending. I meant every word of what I said." He searched his room for a shirt. "I want you to leave. After that, though, it's your move. This in your hands."

Ashton silently headed for the front door. Calum followed him. The older man opened the door. He paused, just a step from the hallway, and turned to face his ex-lover. "I'm sorry I'm not yet the man you need me to be."

"I believe you can change, but I don't want to see you until you do."

"I understand."

"Goodbye, Ashton." 

Calum shut the door. Turned and pressed his back to it and ran his hands over his face and through his hair. Tears stung his eyes. What if he and Ashton were done for good? What if Ashton never changed? What if, because Calum might not end up with Ashton, he ended up alone? 

He couldn't even fathom that thought. He was so used to being alone and he hated it. He couldn't do it for the rest of his life. He said all the time (whenever he was asked) that he was fine, because he enjoyed being by himself, but that was such a fucking bald-faced lie. 

He didn't know what to do with himself, so he went to take a shower. Maybe that would make him feel better. He washed his hair, and used his favourite body wash, and got dressed into something that made him feel even just the tiniest bit attractive. Then he took Duke for a walk. A nice, head-clearing walk. 

After that, he sat in the middle of his living room floor, with a bottle of wine and a bottle of nail polish. He loved to paint his nails. It required all of his attention and a fair amount of time. Plus it made him feel pretty. And that was rare nowadays. 

When he finished letting his nails dry (and half the bottle of wine), he cleaned up the other many, many bottles from around the living room, cooing nonsense to Duke, the only consistent person in his life. (Yes, he considered Duke to be a person, perhaps even superior to most people he knew). 

His eyes found his phone on the coffee table. And an idea popped into his mind. He picked the device up and shifted it between his hands, contemplating whether to act on this impulse or not. He considered every possible outcome and couldn't see it doing any harm. So he unlocked his phone. Dialed a number he was surprised he'd memorized and paced the room, his heart beating wildly, as it rang. 

And when the person answered, Calum stumbled over his words. A lot. But they thought it was cute.

"So, hey...are you busy?" He asked, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. He got the response he'd been hoping for and his eyes lit up. "Do you want to come over?"

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ooooooooooo who y'all think it is

i went n bought some men's boxers n pants because dysphoria can suck my ASS and so can the transphobic/homophobic people i live with

also we went bowling n want you back came on and i gasped so loud that i scared people 30 feet away

adore you bEAUTIES 💕

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