𝙛𝙖𝙩𝙚 ⚣ 𝙘𝙩𝙝+𝙖𝙛𝙞 ✔

21

sad cal + dylan + both are confused :/

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It had hurt. But now he just felt numb. It had been hard to get out of bed this morning. His heart felt heavy. He hadn't slept at all. It was foolish, because he had slept so many nights without the man before. But knowing that he was gone and his return wasn't guaranteed left Calum unable to rest for even a minute. What if he found someone else? What if he got hurt and Calum wasn't there to help? He couldn't live knowing the love of his life was gone. He couldn't live not knowing where he went.

He got out of bed around eight o'clock. He dragged himself to the bathroom, knowing he needed to shower. He did so reluctantly. Refusing to look at his body, at the marks and faint bruises he usually adored but in this instance loathed entirely. Looking at them only reminded him that he was a fool in love with a man who likely didn't feel the same way.

When he was done, he stared into the mirror. At the bags under his eyes. At the frown he couldn't seem to force away. He remembered how often he used to smile. He hated that the person he loved the most was the reason he didn't anymore. Then he cursed himself for thinking like that. It wasn't Ashton's fault. It was his for being so stupid. So in love.

With a sigh, he got dressed and then made his way back into the kitchen. His stomach rumbled, but he chose to ignore it. He didn't need to eat. He was fine. Duke barked at his feet. He knelt down and scratched behind his ears. "I'll take you out in a minute." He promised. He checked his pockets for his phone, then remembered it was in his bedroom. Slowly, he went to retrieve it. Duke followed him.

He picked up his phone, checking for notifications. None whatsoever. That didn't surprise him. He sighed deeply. "I mean nothing to no one." He laughed bitterly, but he still felt nothing. Call him crazy, but some part of him had believed that Ashton would've answered. He'd read the messages shortly after Calum had sent them but couldn't even let him know that he was okay.

It hurt. But by now he was used to it. So, choosing to ignore the mess that was his life (while also thinking solely about that fact), he took Duke for a short walk. He kept checking his phone as if Ashton would suddenly come to his senses and at least tell him he loved him. He didn't need Ashton to say he was sorry again. He needed him to prove that he was.

Calum felt terrible for thinking in such a way, but at this point, Ashton's word meant close to nothing. He lied too often and about too many things. And still, he loved him. How only an idiot would.

So Calum went to work. Frank tried to make conversation and Calum tried to seem friendly and like he was enjoying life even though he really just wanted to sleep forever. But that would be too easy. Life wasn't meant to be easy. He just didn't get why life had to be hard. He was aware that plenty of people suffered so much more than he had, and he felt terrible about it, even though it wasn't his fault.

He continually told himself that because he didn't have it as rough as some people, his issues weren't serious enough and he didn't need help. His brain fed him this story that he was just lying to himself and everyone around him for attention, and that he was really okay. (A/N: This is how I feel. Is it common?)

The day seemed to go on forever. Customers came and went, and nothing was out of the ordinary. There was of course the fact that he felt so fucking empty inside. But there wasn't anything he could do about that. He was hurting because he had decided to love someone who had many issues, issues that he could overlook, issues that he wanted to help fix.

But they also happened to be issues that weren't so easily solved. He was willing to do the work. Ashton, the one who had suffered more, was not. Plus he was gone. Calum didn't have to worry about him anymore. Yet he couldn't stop.

He tried to think happy thoughts. Michael and Luke were getting married in a week. His two best friends were getting married. It was going to be wonderful. Haisley would be the most perfect flower girl. And they'd be a perfect family. Fuck, now he was sad again. He was so happy for them, but now, thinking about the amazing lives they'd all get to live only reminded him how alone he was.

He kept his eyes on the door the entire day, like Ashton would walk in any moment and give him his happily ever after. He knew that wasn't going to happen but that thought was the only thing keeping him going. By 4:30pm, he was utterly exhausted and only half an hour away from being able to go home. Then the bell on the door rang. And Dylan walked in.

He and Frank shared a panicked glance. Calum couldn't run or hide; he'd gone for his 15 minute break less than an hour ago. He gulped nervously, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him whole. But of course it wouldn't, and now he had to face his ex-lover's ex-fiance. He put on his best customer service smile and tried to act neutral, like he wasn't screaming inside.

"Hi, what can I get for you?"

Dylan wasn't here for coffee. "Can we talk?"

Calum's eyes darted back to Frank, who waved and muttered, "Go, I'll cover you."

He nodded, both gratefully and detestfully, and followed Dylan to a booth at the back of shop, for even just a little bit more privacy.

"Ash didn't tell you where he was going, did he?" Dylan asked quietly.

"No." Calum replied. "He left a note, but he didn't tell me where he was going."

"He came and saw me yesterday morning to end things."

Calum's blood began to boil, "What?"

Dylan clenched his jaw. "Yeah."

"...I'm so sorry! He told me he'd ended things between you two a week before that, that's the only reason we slept together..."

"It's fine. I mean, I'm not exactly happy with you, but I do believe that he lied to you. He lied to me, too."

Calum shook his head. "He's such a good liar."

"He really is."

"I love him so much."

A long, uncomfortable silence settled over them. They were both in love with him. And as a result, because of him, both were heartbroken.

"I'm sorry you two didn't end up together." Calum apologized quietly. "I know he meant a lot to you."

"I'm sorry you guys didn't end up together either."

Calum sighed. "There's still time."

And he truly did believe that everything would be okay in the end. But changes would be made. His eyes landed on the tattoo on his hand. Their tattoo. He loved it. It meant so much to him. But it also hurt to look at it. So the minute he got home that night, he spoke to a dermatologist on the topic of laser removal, because some part of him felt that it was the right decision. He was terrified and ashamed, but he hoped it was the right choice. And in the end, it would turn out to be. He just didn't know it yet.

-

i wish i could snort a line of mental stability.

note to victims of abuse : every cell in your body is destroyed and replaced every 7 years. one day you will have a body your abuser never touched. remember that you heal in many different ways, mentally and physically, and your body is yours and yours only. i'm sorry if anyone has ever treated you differently.

even if it doesn't seem like it, it's gonna be okay. reach out if it gets to be too much. i know from personal experience that it isn't that easy but please do not try and go through it alone. i love you.

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