Essie's Critiques

Entwined | sclair_

BLURB:

Camryn Archello moves to Florida hoping for a peaceful life to help her move on from her trauma. Instead, she's thrown back into a world of danger and manipulation when the Russian mob put a hit on her again. As if she hasn't enough on her plate already, there is a girl that seems too obsessed with her, and another that is hell-bent on destroying her.

Juggling between high school drama and her own personal problems are too much to bear, but when both worlds entwined, Camryn may just dig her own grave even deeper.

"Luca, are we... together?"

"I pissed off the big boss - who is intent on killing me - for you. What do you think?"

***

YOUR COVER: (7/10) I enjoyed the simplicity and the mood of the cover. However, I feel that it doesn't portray your story in the best way, considering that the blurb includes a Russian mob and some mystery included. As a reader, if I was looking for this kind of story, I wouldn't be drawn in by the cover, and if I was a teen fiction reader, I wouldn't be drawn in by the blurb. Make sure that the cover matches your story and genre. Additionally, the lines at the bottom and top were distracting, as there could be more creative ways to include your name and series. This, however, is optional, and only a suggestion for you to take into consideration.

YOUR TITLE: (6/10) I can't fully comprehend how the title connects with your story. From what I can tell, it seems like you labeled this in the teen fiction and romance, but seems to lean more towards the mystery/thriller genre as well, with the aspects you've included. The title itself can work well with teen fiction, but from the direction this story is headed in, it doesn't seem to fit in with your story. Additionally, it's generic, and I suggest finding a title that applies to your story only. There are many stories out there with the same title as yours, but using a title that is unique to you and original can prevent having other stories with the same title. That can include having a character's name as the title, a symbolic object or place, or the triggering action that sets the story off.

YOUR BLURB: (3/5) You have a lot of filler words included in your blurb that take away from the clarity of the situation. If words such as "that" or "to/too" are unnecessary, then I suggest taking them out. You also have some grammatical errors. For example, the word mob is technically singular, so the surrounding words should be conjugated to fit that context. Additionally, "entwined" should be conjugated to fit the context as well. It should be "entwine" or "are entwined." Pay attention to the structuring of your sentences. How can you keep them clean and concise while also tightening/shortening them?

YOUR HOOK: (4/5) The beginning of your story was lovely and well put-together. You brought me, as the reader, right into your character's mindset. Your descriptions were lovely and there were barely any grammar mistakes. I will point out that at first, I was confused by the sudden "bang." I immediately thought it was some kind of gunshot, not the character falling. To make it more clear for your readers, I suggest expanding on that, and describe more of how the character fell. For example, you could say her knees collided with the ground as she fell. Simply saying that there was a bang and she stumbled could mean anything. For example, there could have been a sound external from her, and she could have stumbled from surprise or fear. Try to clear that misunderstanding for your readers. Additionally, you could also experiment with expanding the peace and state of tranquility your character was in before she fell. That way, there's more of an impact on your readers and a starker contrast between your protagonist's changing emotions.