Essie's Critiques

Nice Reminiscences [PART 3]| Lost_Blithe_

2. THE PLAYWRIGHT:

1. "The guy was more muscular than the last time I saw him, which could be the result of his infatuation with basketball and constant visits to the gym." (p.1). Instead of referring to the mystery character as "the guy," I suggest replacing it with "he," as "the guy" is typically used to refer to an unimportant character or stranger/side character in the story. Additionally, this first chapter seems reserved to describe this "guy" and again, as a reader, I would've skipped right past it. Instead of providing generic/cliché descriptions, I suggest using more thoughtful descriptions such as his expression, body language, and the emotions your protagonist would've felt at seeing him. 

2. "I slowly made my way towards him with a smile resting on my face, to hide the perspiration forming at the back of my neck, and held out my hand for our not-so-secret handshake." (p.2). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "I slowly made my way towards him with a smile resting on my face to hide the perspiration forming at the back of my neck and held out my hand for our not-so-secret handshake." The description of their actual handshake was also very slow and monotonous. I felt no emotion from their actions; it felt like watching a handshake between two robots. I suggest adding more lively descriptions to make the description come to life. 

3. "I snickered and feigned confusion while scanning my normal, trimmed nails, as I tilted my neck to the side." (p.5). If her nails are normal, then why mention them? You'd typically mention her nails if they weren't normal. I also suggest restructuring this sentence to be less awkward and flow more smoothly. Suggestion: "I snickered and feigned confusion, scanning my nails while I tilted my neck to the side."

4. "... he retorted back." (p.6). To retort is to reply in answer, so "back" is redundant and takes away from the impact of the dialogue tag. I suggest removing it.

5. "I let go of my nails, and softly jabbed him in his chest with my fist. (p.7). The last time I checked, she was scanning her nails, not holding onto them. Also, the comma is unnecessary. 

6. "'Still fond of weird insults, I see,' he laughed." (p.8). You have incorrect punctuation/capitalization regarding the dialogue and action tag. "He laughed" is an action, and doesn't describe the way he said the dialogue. Therefore, it should be a separate sentence, and this should be reflected from ending the dialogue with a period and capitalizing on the beginning of the action tag (neither of which was done). Correction: "'Still fond of weird insults, I see.' He laughed."

7. "My arms coiled around his long neck while his hands were wrapped around my waist with chin on top of my head." (p.9). You're using passive voice here. Again, passive voice is saying something was done, rather than simply stating that something happened. You also have unnecessary filler words. Correction: "My arms coiled around his neck while his hands wrapped around my waist, his chin on top of my head." 

8. "'It has been such a long time, hasn't it?' He murmured softly from above my head." (p.10). The dialogue tag is part of the sentence. "He murmured" is describing the way Valientine says something, and should be a continuation of the dialogue. That means not capitalizing the beginning of the dialogue tag, as it's not the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "'It has been such a long time, hasn't it?' he murmured softly from above my head."

9. "'You're too old, buddy.' I reminded him in a joking manner and pulled away..." (p.11). The dialogue tag should be included in the dialogue sentence. That includes replacing the period with a comma to indicate that the sentence continues. Correction: "'You're too old, buddy,' I reminded him in a joking manner and pulled away..."

10. "'Thirty's not too old.' He defended." (p.12). Again, the dialogue tag should be part of the sentence. You need to replace the period within the dialogue with a comma, and capitalization on the beginning of the dialogue tag is unnecessary.