Essie's Critiques

Cassia Sencen | twistedqueenhere

BLURB:

Cassia Sencen is the sister of Keefe Sencen. Her mother, Lady Gisela, has raised Cassia to be just like her, but when Cass manifests as the most powerful Beguiler in the Elvin world and becomes best friends with Sophie Foster, she's a different person. Cassia has always wanted to be like her big brother, and she's shifting in that direction. Cass is breaking her mother and father's rules left and right without them even noticing... this could only end in disaster for everyone.

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YOUR COVER: (6/10) You have a nice picture here, with your title and name on the cover. What you're lacking, however, is creativity. What type of fonts can you use? What colors can they be, and how can you present them on the cover? What about the picture? What ways can you crop them or add filters? If you feel like you don't have the abilities to create a good cover, there are lots of cover artists on Wattpad you can go to.

YOUR TITLE: (5/10) This title can work. Since it's the name of your main character, it's easy for your readers to make the connection. However, I feel that this isn't the best title for your story. It doesn't accurately represent your plot or storyline, and it doesn't have the right ring to it. As you continue to write your story, you may find that a quote from your story may come to mind, or you can brainstorm new title ideas that appeal to you the most.

YOUR BLURB: (3/5) Your blurb is clean of any grammatical and spelling errors, and I do enjoy how it is short and concise. So let's take the time to focus on your sentence structure and clarity. Your writing here is all over the place. It's hard to make sense of what your plot is, and you could work more on rephrasing your sentences and tighten them. Try making a three-bullet-point list with the main events of your story. One could be what triggers the story; or what sets the story off. In this instance, it could be that Cassia Sencen is tired of being just like her mother (and I suggest not listing extra names here because your readers don't need to know the nitty-gritty details yet). Another could be that she manifests as the most powerful Beguiler in the Elvin world. The third is that she's beginning to break away from her parents' rules, and this could only end in disaster for everyone. Then, using these three details, turn them into a blurb. Experiment with your diction and try to tighten your sentences. Get rid of unnecessary filler words and make each sentence the best it can be. Your hook should be powerful and captivating. Again, don't mention names (Lady Gisela, Keefe Sencen, Sophie Foster, etc) because your readers will be confused by all of this, and they don't need names yet, do they? If you take a look at my blurb for Lavender Liars, you can see that I only use one name; Violet Gray (and she's the main character). Lots of other authors use this method; you want your blurb to be as clear as it can be.

YOUR HOOK: (2/5) As far as I can see, your hook is grammatically correct, and easy to understand. However, I can already tell that you struggle with the rule to show, not tell. You used the hook as an opportunity to info-dump, which is giving away unnecessary background information. There is a time and place to inform your readers of a certain history, and this was not the time. You shouldn't have to explain to your readers about the dynamics of Cassia's relationship with her brother and mother. Take advantage of your creativity. What is a better way to showcase this without directly saying it? You could start off with a flashback. "When I was five years old, this happened. [go more into depth here]. And now, something years later, I'm still stuck in this mindset..." This is a more interesting way to introduce your character to your readers. Readers love memories, and it'll hook them till the end.