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BLURB:
Lily Brooklyn is tired of having her life planned out for her by an algorithm. The algorithm created to prevent a war like the last one from ever happening again: where billions of lives were lost, families were torn apart and the world almost ended. To fight against the algorithm and the system that set it would be madness, but then, Lily's past was just that- but she's moved on... however, the past had a way of coming back to hit you harder than it had before.
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YOUR COVER: (9/10) I like the effort you put into your cover, and I can see that you have a definite style for the way you make your covers. I was a little confused by it, however, because I couldn't make a connection with your story. Try to think about what colors are associated with sci-fi (like electric blue) and how you can incorporate that into your cover. Other than that, I really like your cover and how you've presented the title/font.
YOUR TITLE: (6/10) I can definitely see the connection you've put with your title to the story. However, I've had to do a bit of thinking to understand this concept. Along with that, your title doesn't have exactly the right ring to it. There are a lot of better titles you could come up with that better connect to your story. I suggest making several titles and then choosing the one that best appeals to you. If you can't think of one just yet, don't stress about it. I find that the best title usually comes to you while you're writing your story.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I love how short and concise your blurb is. However, your blurb consists of "first and then" moments that can be confusing for potential readers. There's too much going on in sentences that are too small. What are the main points of your blurb? What can be shortened and taken out? You can also experiment with descriptive details and sentence structures. How can you tighten your sentences and make it more fluid to draw in readers?
YOUR HOOK: (3/5) I like how you start off your story with how Lily goes about during her day, especially because it appears that this is a dystopian society that you want to introduce your readers to. It definitely has me wondering if this is the norm for her, and what happened to make it so. You've done a great job at drawing me in. I took away a few points because your grammar/spelling errors distinguished the tension from your hook, and I'll point out those mistakes during your chapter reviews.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) I was really impressed by your clean writing. I only found a few kinds of grammar mistakes here and there. The most important one that I've seen the most frequently is your use of commas. Often, you add an unnecessary comma or you forget to add one. I suggest doing more research on your own, but remember that the basic rules of commas are that they should be used as giving a break; separating different ideas. Along with that, you often end your dialogue with the wrong punctuation. For example: "He was hungry.' She said." Believe it or not, this is one sentence. But, by putting a period at the end of the dialogue, you are essentially saying that it is two sentences. "She said" is not a sentence by itself. It is part of the dialogue sentence. Therefore, "She" should not be capitalized, as it is not the start of a new sentence, and the dialogue should end in a comma. Correction: "He was hungry,' she said." This kind of mistake happens frequently throughout your chapters, and I've pointed out a few in your chapter reviews. Still, make sure to keep that in mind for future writing so you can catch these mistakes on your own.
