Essie's Critiques

Nice Reminiscences [PART 5]| Lost_Blithe_

4. MEETING ANEW:

1. "It had been fifteen minutes since I was staring at the five words I typed, cogitating while sitting with my legs crossed on my bed." (p.1). You're using passive voice here. I suggest against this technique, as it makes your sentence more cluttered and has a weak impact on your audience. Correction: "It had been fifteen minutes since I stared at the five words I typed, cogitating while sitting with my legs crossed on my bed."

2. "My nose had to chair my Harry Potter shaped spectacles which I deliberately bought to make my sister jealous." (p.1). You need hyphens here. Correction: "My nose had to chair my Harry-Potter-shaped-spectacles, which I deliberately bought to make my sister jealous." Notice the comma I've added. Additionally, what do you mean by the first part of the sentence? I'm confused—feel free to let me know!

3. "Her Potterhead self-had a perfect hawk like vision and didn't need glasses, while me, I needed it too much for my own good." (p.2). You have misplaced hyphens here, as well as misplaced commas. I also suggest replacing "it" with "them," for glasses, plural. Correction: "Her Potterhead-self had a perfect hawk-like vision and didn't need glasses. While me, I needed them too much for my own good."

4. "Focusing on the current elephant in the room, I lightly pressed my fingers to caress the keys of the keyboard, so that the small words were visible on the bright screen." (p.3). You have misplaced commas here. Correction: "Focusing on the current elephant in the room, I lightly pressed my fingers to caress the keys of the keyboard so that the small words were visible on the bright screen."

5. "I was now gazing frustratingly at the blinking cursor on the blank screen." (p.3). You're using passive voice here. Suggestion: "I gazed, frustrated, at the blinking cursor on the blank screen." Notice how I rearranged the sentence structure to avoid using an adverb. 

6. "I meant, why would he help me without expecting nothing in return." (p.7). Since this is phrased as a question, it should end as one. Additionally, I think you meant to say, "... help me without expecting anything in return." Correction: "I mean, why would he help me without expecting anything in return?"

7. "In the photograph, he was grinning so wide, I was surprised a muscle in his face didn't feel cramped." (p.8). I've noticed that you often relate "smiling" with "facial muscles." There is a repetition with you mentioning facial muscles, and it feels very detached and doesn't invoke any feelings within me. I suggest using stronger diction choices and vocabulary to convey this instead of using descriptions like these. 

8. "It became an unspoken tradition, I would not pick up Papa's call, he in return would only leave a message regarding the call, and I would reply either an 'Okay' or 'Thank You.' Yet he never stopped calling, I didn't know why." (p.10). You have many comma splices here. I also suggest removing the second sentence, as it seems obvious he would call because he wants to hear her voice (unless there's another specific reason). Correction: "It became an unspoken tradition. I would not pick up Papa's call, he in return would only leave a message regarding the call, and I would reply either an 'Okay' or 'Thank You.'" 

  9. "Always the same abbreviations, did it take a lot of labor to completely write 'I Love You' or did it took a lot of space and his precious time?" (p.14). You have comma splices here. You also have unnecessary capitalization here, as well as mis-conjugation. Correction: "Always the same abbreviations. Did it take a lot of labor to completely write 'I love you' or did it take a lot of space and his precious time?" Additionally, I was confused by the protagonist's hurt. He was the one calling her, she was the one who didn't answer, yet she was upset that he abbreviated "I love you"? This seems a bit hypocritical and contradictory. If there is a reason, please expand upon this to let your audience know!