Essie's Critiques

Consumed By Desire [PART 3] | Avaris529

CHAPTER 4:

1. "'Okay, that's 100 dollars, do we have 110?!' He says into the microphone." (p.1). I suggest writing out numbers to remain professional and not break the flow of the story. Additionally, the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence. The beginning of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized because it is not the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "'Okay, that's one-hundred dollars, do we have one-hundred-ten?!' He says into the microphone." Also, I want to point out a problem here. I find it uncomfortable that the girls are bidding on the boys and basically buying them to be their date. If the roles were reversed, and the boys were bidding on buying girls to be their date, I bet a lot of readers would be outraged. This is the same thing.

2. "Ooo, 200 dollars dollars!" (p.10). Here, "ooo" should be "ooh." I also suggest writing out numbers.

3. "Jeremy quickly hits the hammer multiple times 'sold, sold, sold!' He chants and the crowd cheers." (p.28). You need punctuation to separate the action tag and the dialogue. You should have capitalization in the dialogue as well, to show that it's the beginning of a new sentence. The dialogue tag is also a continuation of the dialogue sentence, so the capitalization there isn't necessary. Correction: "Jeremy quickly hits the hammer multiple times. 'Sold, sold, sold!' he chants and the crowd cheers." Also, you have a repetition with using the word "cheers" around "crowd."

4. "I released a breath I didn't know I was holding as I stepped off the stage and headed directly for Lia." (p.29). You need to convert this into present tense. Correction: "I release a breath I didn't know I was holding as I step off the stage and head directly for Lia."

5. "Didn't I buy you? That means you're property, now sit there, look pretty, and shut it,' she pouts avoiding eye contact causing me to laugh." (p.32). You have a comma splice here. Again, "pout." You need to separate this into two sentences, and you need a comma. You should also be very careful with this sentence. If a boy told this to a girl, even jokingly, she probably wouldn't find it funny at all. The context of it, especially "look pretty," is a sexist phrase in this context. It would be fine if she told him to sit still like an inanimate object of some sort, but you need to be careful. It can be hard to tell whether you're reversing the roles to show that this is wrong or you're genuinely making the girl say something like this.

6. "I chuckle as I cheer along with the crowd as Jason slowly walks off the stage in confusion and shock." (p.46). I suggest restructuring this sentence, as you have a repetition with the word "as."

7. "' Come on let's get you some fresh air,' I say as I pat his back, leading him out of the school and walking over to stand next to the Escalade." (p.63). You have an unnecessary space here, and this sentence is abnormally long. I suggest breaking it down into several sentences for clearer readability.

8. "' We will see you, boys, at the dance tomorrow,' Mae states as she begins to walk towards her mustang." (p.64). You have two unnecessary commas around the word, "boy." You have an unnecessary space, and you have a repetition with using "as" in sentences. You also have a repetition of "state" which is something I'm finding increasingly repetitive. I suggest using "say" more than "state" as it's pretty invisible.

9. "'Mae, it would be proper if we picked out dates up' He insists." (p.66). You need punctuation at the end of the dialogue. The dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, so the capitalization is unnecessary. You're also enforcing gender stereotypes and restrictions here. Why is it proper for a boy to pick up a girl, and not for a girl to pick up a boy?

10. "I parked my truck in the beach parking lot, turning off the ignition as Ian, Jeremy, and Mark got out of the truck." (p.70). You have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "I park my truck in the beach parking lot, turning off the ignition as Ian, Jeremy, and Mark get out." I also removed the part at the end because you already mentioned the truck in the beginning of this sentence. It still feels a bit awkward, so I encourage you to restructure this in a more natural way.