Essie's Critiques

Consumed By Desire [PART 2] | Avaris529

CHAPTER 2:

1. "'What's up Donovans,' A voice says behind us." (p.5). The capitalization of the dialogue tag should reflect the fact that it's a continuation of the entire sentence. Additionally, you need a comma, and if the voice is addressing all the boys, then there should be an apostrophe after "Donovans" to address that. Correction: "'What's up, Donovans'?' a voice says behind us." Notice how I replaced the punctuation with something to fit the phrasing of the dialogue.

2. "I thought all the Jocks and cheerleaders liked to hang out together, since when do they have tension?" (p.8). Here, "Jocks" shouldn't be capitalized. You have a comma splice as well. Correction: "I thought all the jocks and cheerleaders liked to hang out together. Since when did they have tension?"

3. "'Y-your Jeremy's older brothers, right?' her voice coming out small and timid. Awww." (p.22). The contraction should be "you're," as in "you are." The capitalization regarding the dialogue should reflect that these are two different sentences. Additionally, keep in mind that the ending part, "Awww," can be considered patronizing and offensive in this context. She isn't a child, and this can be considered as indirectly looking down on someone. I suggest removing it, unless your want your character to sound like this. Correction/Suggestion: "'Y-you're Jeremy's older brothers, right?' Her voice comes out small and timid."

4. With Madisyn, you have her stuttering a lot. If you want to show that this is normally how she speaks, you can include all the ellipses in her speech in the beginning of her introduction. However, the reader can understand that and apply that whenever they're reading her dialogue, so I advise against adding the stutters and ellipses in all of her dialogues. Instead, you could just say that she stuttered the words out. This will clear up readability and sound more natural.

5. "'Careful, she may be cute but that's jail bat man. Did you forget that you are 18? That girl can't be no older than like 15,' I laugh as he pouts." (p.25). You need commas here. You misspelled the word "bait," as well. I suggest writing out numbers to stay professional and avoid breaking the flow of the story. Also, there is a lot of pouting going on throughout these chapters. Frankly, the more you use this word, the more I think of an immature child. You must be careful, because if you overuse words such as "pout," they can become boring and even annoying to a reader. Correction/suggestion: "'Careful. She may be cute, but that's jail bait, man. Did you forget that you are eighteen? That girl can't be no older than, like, fifteen." I laugh."

6. "'I'm not' Jason says, narrowing his eyes." (p.32). You need punctuation at the end of a dialogue sentence. Correction: "'I'm not,' Jason says, narrowing his eyes."

7. "Shit if Madisyn boobs were showing he would have been looking at them too... shit me too." (p.34). You need to replace "Madisyn" with "Madisyn's." Additionally, you need commas. Correction: "Shit, if Madisyn's boobs were showing, he would have been looking at them too... shit, me too."

8. "' I hope the next girlfriend he get's is fucking fantastic because Ashley's a fucking shit show' Ian growls." (p.37). Again, you need capitalization at the end of the dialogue. Additionally, you have an extra space, and an unnecessary apostrophe. Correction: "'I hope the next girlfriend he gets is fucking fantastic, because Ashley's a fucking shit show,' Ian growls." Notice how commas also tend to come before a conjunction.

9. "My black boots are heavy on the tiles as I stride to the class Mar placed me in a few days ago." (p.45). You have tense slip-ups. "Tile" should also be "tiles." Correction: "My black boots were heavy on the tile as I stride to the class Mar placed me in a few days ago."

10. "'Well the heeled combat boots, chains, and the corset is a dead giveaway,' he smiles showing off his bright sparkling teeth." (p.50). You need commas here. The capitalization/punctuation regarding your dialogue should reflect that the action tag is a separate sentence from the dialogue. Correction: "'Well, the heeled combat boots, chains, and the corset is a dead giveaway.' He smiles, showing off his bright sparkling teeth."