Essie's Critiques

The One Who Stole From A Witch's Garden (2) | Crystal_Winter_

BLURB:

"Demons are like obedient dogs. They come when they are called..." The witch stops with a wicked smile "And I was called just like the rest."

Nobody goes into the Forbidden Forest. No matter what. You never go. Nobody goes into the forest where magic leaks like a tap that will never close. Nobody goes where the witch lives. Nobody comes out alive if they do.

But Jae-Ho had no choice to venture into that wretched forest. He had no choice but to steal from his garden. He had no choice in anything at all. And he had no idea how far the consequences would go.

"Hate in return for love, great pain in return for great health, sorrows in return for eternal joy, death in return for a life, sacrifice in return for power. I do all this, just for you. So tell me dearest Jae-Ho, how am I cruel when I give you what you want?"

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YOUR COVER: (9/10) Your cover is lovely, and a vast improvement from your first cover. The images are a bit blurry, but then again it's hard to find good pictures for face claims. Your cover makes your story much more approachable to your readers, so I'm sure you'll find better success with your readers.

YOUR TITLE: (8/10) Your title makes sense. I can tell that it's related to your story, and it's very poetic sounding. You could always experiment with different titles and different structures for this title, and find the one that you like the most. Or you could also use a mysterious title or quote from your story that your reader can have a lightbulb moment with. If not, that's fine. Your title relates to the story, and although a little long, it's a good title! (if you couldn't notice, I have the same feedback here as your first review since your title remained the same).

YOUR BLURB: (4/5) Your blurb here is clear and is much better from your first one! You've gotten rid of unnecessary information. One thing is that I suggest you focus on your second paragraph. I've noticed that the structure you use for your sentences are repetitive. I'm aware that this is intentional, but you can still use the same structure with different variations of it. Along with that, some sentences were still unnecessary and could be tightened. For example, "You never go" isn't really necessary, and can be removed. In this case, adding words such as "and" would have a nice ring to it. Such as writing a sentence as "And nobody comes out alive if they do" and adding the and adds a note of finality to your writing.

YOUR HOOK: (5/5) I've noticed that you've incorporated prose into your writing for the hook. You set the scene, setting, and mood for your story, immediately transporting your readers into Jae-Ho's mind. It's absolutely lovely, and your descriptions are as vivid as always!

YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) You have six kinds of mistakes I've noticed. The first and most important are your punctuation and capitalization errors. Often, you end your dialogue in the wrong punctuation and capitalize unnecessary words that come after it. Keep in mind that for a dialogue, if there's a dialogue tag after it (he said, she said, etc), then the punctuation can end in anything except a period; since the dialogue tag is still a continuation of a sentence. If there's an action tag after it (she walked away, he grinned, etc), then your punctuation can end in anything except a comma; since the action tag is its own sentence. An example of a dialogue and dialogue tag is: "'I hate you,' she said." Did you notice that this is one whole sentence, and the word "she" isn't capitalized? An example of a dialogue and action tag is: "'I hate you.' She shook her head and walked away." Did you notice that these are two different sentences, and "she" is capitalized, since it's the beginning of a new sentence?