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p o e m o n e
LAYOUT: I know the layout and format of a poem might not seem significant for other people, but for poets, the way you lay out your poem is everything. Here, I really enjoyed the way you lay out your poem with no punctuation or capitalization; it adds to the aesthetic of your writing and emphasizes each word you say. The enjambment (lack of punctuation) is a nice way to keep your poem flowing, but don't be afraid to add periods or commas to leave your readers hanging on for the next word.
FIRST LINE: I like your first line, but I've found it to be a common phrase used in poems. "Velvet touch" is becoming cliche among poets. Don't be afraid to tie in this moment with a word that most writers wouldn't use. It's all about the emotion put into the words. A brilliant author could write a poem about a toothbrush and make it seem emotional. I feel like your first line could be dramatized in a way to hook in your readers at the first letter of the first word. What other diction can you apply? Have you tried experimenting with different first lines? How does your poem end, and how can you cleverly tie that in with your beginning? Even starting with an onomatopoeia (sound words) can set the scene with the point of view and bottle of alcohol. For example:
drip
drip
drip
I'm sorry, but I just had to waste this space to write a first line example with the format, or else it wouldn't have had the effect it did. Can you see how I've laid out the words? There are a million different ways to start your poem, and if you take the time, you can find the perfect one.
YOUR WRITING: I enjoyed the way you swept away your reader with your strong words, often accompanied with how you separated your sentences to add effect. However, there were a few words I found could be replaced with something stronger or something that would provoke more emotion in your readers. For example, the word "randomly" feels out of place in your poem. If you can't find any synonyms for "randomly" that fits with your poem, you can always replace it with an emotion, such as "somberly." It would be a nice way to personify the light clicking on in the hallway. Always be hunting for new words to add to your vocabulary, and it will really enhance your writing.
LAST LINE: I love your last line. It ties into the theme of your poem and the title, and has an air of finality that leaves your readers breathless. I really have nothing else to say here because you've nailed it.
p o e m t w o
LAYOUT: Again, your layout here is beautiful. But don't be afraid to experiment with the format. Since this poem here is based on the interruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD, you can incorporate that theme
