Essie's Critiques

Nice Reminiscences [PART 4]| Lost_Blithe_

3. THE BOY AT THE LAST:

1. "I've been teaching in schools for a long time, and yet every time when I enter a class, it was a whole new experience, as if it were my first time stepping in one." (p.1). Your tense-use is inconsistent here, and you have unnecessary filler words. Correction: "I've been teaching in schools for a long time, and yet every time I've entered a class, it was a whole new experience. As if it were my first time stepping in one." Notice how I separated this into separate sentences for clearer readability. 

2. "A very few remembered the best teachers but everyone remembered the bad teacher, the teacher who criticized the student, instead of encouraging them and motivating them." (p.2). I suggest replacing one of the commas with a semicolon. You're also missing a comma, and I suggest restructuring this to be more short and concise. Correction: "A very few remembered the best teachers, but everyone remembered the bad teacher; the teacher who criticized the student instead of encouraging and motivating them." 

3. "And as the old saying goes, there are no bad students, just bad teachers." (p.4). You have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "And as the old saying went, there were no bad students, just bad teachers."

4. "I arranged the papers, so that they were perfectly aligned besides each other, corner to corner, totally organised." (p.7). You have an unnecessary comma here. Additionally, "totally" is redundant here, and is repetitive within your chapters. Correction: "I arranged the papers so that they were perfectly aligned besides each other, corner to corner and organised." Additionally, you dedicated this paragraph to describing how she set up her desk/classroom, which I found redundant and unimportant to the plot. If you want to show your readers something, such as how she liked to keep her classroom, you can summarize it instead of giving an in-depth explanation for something your audience would probably skim through. 

5. "I didn't break the eye contact first, if I did, it would seem as if I wasn't approving them." (p.9). You have misplaced commas here, a comma splice, and you're missing a hyphen. Correction: "I didn't break eye-contact first. If I did, it would seem as if I wasn't approving of them." Notice the necessary filler words I've added as well. 

6. "My heels clicking rhythmically as I lifted my feet, but no one noticed me as they were all busy catching up with each other." (p.10). I suggest avoiding using passive voice for this. Suggestion: "My heels clicked rhythmically as I walked, but no one noticed me as they busied themselves with catching up with each other." Additionally, keep in mind how I shortened this by replacing "lifted my feet" with "walking." Obvious actions shouldn't be described in that depth, just like you wouldn't say, "I lifted my arms and wrapped my hands around the knob of the door, slowly twisting it and letting the door pull open," as the more obvious way would be to say, "I opened the door." It's more direct and easy to read/understand. 

7. "When he just spoke with his silence, and a yawn, I took that as my cue to leave." (p.10). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "When he just spoke with his silence and a yawn, I took that as my cue to leave."

8. "As you all were notified earlier that Mrs Bourdreaux was going to retire, it is true, she has retired and now I'm your foreign language teacher for English subject." (p.11). You have misplaced commas and comma splices here. Correction: "As you all were notified earlier that Mrs Bourdreaux was going to retire, it is true. She has retired, and now I'm your foreign language teacher." I was also confused here, because as she was speaking English, I believed for a moment she was teaching English to a class of English-speaking students. If she's addressing them in another language or they're of another language, try to express that more strongly so your readers don't forget.