i can't stop remembering...

saying goodbye

"I'm ready," I say to the doctor.

It's been two days since Nick's doctor came to talk to me. I haven't moved from this chair yet. Well except for when Ansley and Maggie force me to use the restroom. Other than that I haven't left. I just stare at the blank wall that's right in front of me.

I haven't ate or drank anything. I haven't slept. I've barley even moved. I know it's terrible for the baby, but I can't help it. My entire world is dead. How could I be okay?

"Are you sure?" She asks me. "You can take all the time that you need."

I'm not actually ready, but I can't just keep sitting here. I need to go see him. I know he can't talk or even open his eyes, but I need to be in his presence already.

"Yes," I say without looking at her.

"Follow me then."

"Do you want some company?" Zion asks.

"I need to do this alone," I whisper.

"Okay," he says back.

The doctor looks over at everyone else, "We won't unplug him until all of you have said your goodbyes."

"Thank you," Edwin says quietly.

The doctor starts walking and I slowly follow behind her. We keep walking until we end up in a small hallway that has a few rooms. There is about five rooms.

"He's in this one," she stops in front of a door at the end of the hallway. "Take all the time you need. I will be waiting outside."

I take a deep breath, "Thank you."

She nods her head and smiles lightly at me. His doctor has been nothing but nice to us. It's nice to have a good doctor. Some doctors are absolute ass.

I open the door very quietly and I step inside his room, closing the door behind me. I turn around and I see him laying there.

He has tons of tubes connecting everywhere to his body in all different places. He has two different casts on and a splint on his leg. He has a white wrap around his head and cuts all over his face.

I never in my life wanted to see him like this.

I walk to his bed and I carefully sit down on the edge of the bed. Right as I sit down the tears start spilling out of my eyes. I didn't want to cry, but I can't help it. This is the last time I'll ever see him.

How am I supposed to live without him?

"H-hi, baby," I say. I wipe my face and the tears start to slow, "It's me, mamas. I don't know if you can hear me. I'm not a doctor at all and we know I'm not very bright." I chuckle as I start to think of all the times he poked fun at me because I'm not very smart.

"But anyways," I continue. "I'm going to talk to you anyways. Uhm, the past couple weeks have been hell without you. I had so much faith that you would wake up, but now they told me that you won't wake up. The doctor told me you are brain dead and you won't be able to wake again. Hearing her say those things destroyed me." I take a deep breath, "I really don't know how I'm going to live without you. I also don't know how I'm going to raise a child without you. You were so excited to have kids with me one day, but now that's taken from us."

The tears start to overwhelm me, so I take a break from talking as they slide down my pale cheeks. I grab onto his limp hand and I hold onto it like my life depends on it.

I sniffle a few times and I wipe my eyes again. He would absolutely hate to see me here crying over him. He hates when I cry. Especially if it's about him.