i can't stop remembering...

drunk drivers

It's been about a week since we moved into the new house. The five of us absolutely love it. It's so much fun living together. They definitely take my mind off of things during the day, but night is when I let all my thoughts go crazy.

I still haven't been doing the best. I'm always sad and I don't understand why. It's like I would rather die than be living right now and it sucks.

"Ads, food is ready!" Izzy yells from downstairs.

I walk out of my room with my robe on and my hair in a messy bun. I obviously don't try when I get ready for the day. It's always just plain and simple for me.

Once I'm downstairs I sit down at the table that is full of food. "Where are the boys?"

"Playing basketball," she says.

"This early?" I ask knowing that it's only eight in the morning.

"Yea," she says while putting a glass of orange juice in front of me. She sighs and stares at me, "Aw, babes, you look awful."

"Jeez, thanks."

"No, I just mean you haven't slept in days and I can tell," she says, "Talk to me."

I shrug my shoulders, "There isn't anything to talk about."

"Ads, come on."

"Izzy, I don't have anything to talk about."

"Obviously something is bothering you," she says.

I stand up from the chair, "Nothing is wrong!" I storm off and I walk out the front door. I sit on the big porch swing and I instantly start to cry.

I don't want to be this way. She hasn't done anything wrong, but I always take it out on other people. She is being so kind, but I'm an asshole.

Being this way sucks. I don't know what wrong with me or when it'll stop. I just wish everything could go back to normal. I wish I didn't have to cry everyday for no reason at all. I wish I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

The front door opens and I see Nick come out. I quickly wipe the tears away and I look away as he sits down on the swing next to me.

"Mamas?"

"Yea," I say without looking at him.

"Look at me."

"No," I say as I feel myself wanting to cry again.

I then feel his hand on my chin and he pulls my face to his. He looks me right in the eyes and frowns, "What happened?"

"Nothing," I say. "Izzy just asked me what was going on and I blew up on her."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Nick. I don't know anything," I say, "I wish I knew, but I don't."

He sighs and moves his hand from my face, "I wish I knew too. I hate seeing you this way."

"Well I can't help it," I say. "I don't know what my problem is, but I hate being here."

"You don't mean that."

"I do," I say as more tears start to roll down my face, "I wish I could just fucking die already!"

"Addison, stop!"

"Why?" I cry. "W-why does it m-matter if I die or n-not!"

"Because you have people that love you!" He yells, "You have people that would be lost without you. How do you think I would feel if you went and killed yourself?"