In The Shadow of Our Choices

Chapter 63 - In the Aftermath

CONTENT WARNING: Panic Attack

Sebastian

Sebastian's mind was hazy. The sensation of the gravel beneath his feet, the cool evening breeze against his skin, Lizzie's protests and questions - it was all a blur, disconnected from his spiraling thoughts. Sebastian's heart raced in his chest, his breath coming in short, shallow gasps. As they made their way through the darkness, the castle looming above them, Sebastian's grip on Lizzie's arm remained tight, his fingers digging into her skin. He knew he was being rough, but he couldn't bear the thought of letting her go, of leaving her alone with the knowledge of what he had just done. But at the same time he desperately needed to be alone. Her lack of protest at what he had just done had shaken him.

As they finally reached the castle's entrance, Sebastian leaned against the wall, his body trembling with the effort to hold himself together. He closed his eyes, trying to regain control of his racing thoughts before he had to sneak past prefects. Inhale... exhale... Inhale... exhale... He repeated the mantra, willing himself to find the strength to get somewhere safe. Lizzie's stream of words grating against his attempts at calm.

"Be quiet," he snapped at last, "Or I will use a silencing charm so we don't get caught."

She settled into a stony silence.

The trip into the dungeons was a blur. He couldn't understand why he was bringing Lizzie to the Slytherin common room, but he just knew he had to get them back to his room. Sebastian's hand trembled as he whispered the password for the dormitory, the words barely audible. The stone wall shifted and revealed the entrance, and he pulled Lizzie inside without a second thought. The room was dimly lit, the green hues casting eerie shadows across the walls. Sebastian's mind raced, desperately trying to grasp at a thread of logic, but it seemed to slip through his fingers like smoke. He couldn't stay here. He needed to get away, to find a quiet place where he could gather his thoughts and find some semblance of calm. Sebastian dragged Lizzie to his room. It was late, and his roommates were all sleeping. Quietly, he shook Ominis' shoulder.

"Ominis? Ominis, please."

"Sod off... Sebastian... I don't want to talk to you." Ominis said with a groan, swatting at his hand.

"Please? Please," Sebastian practically begged, willing his friend to wake up. "Take this."

He insistently shoved Lizzie's wrist into Ominis' half-awake hand, and once he was sure his fingers had closed, Sebastian muttered some variety of thanks and darted back out of the room.

Sebastian found a dark corner somewhere, not caring except that it was private, as his breathing grew increasingly erratic, shallow gasps escaping his quivering lips. His chest tightened, constricting with each rapid heartbeat, as if a vice grip was squeezing his very essence. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and his entire body trembled uncontrollably. He clutched at his chest, his fingers digging into the fabric of his robes, seeking to anchor himself. Sebastian's thoughts raced uncontrollably, a jumble of fragmented memories, fears, and regrets.

He remembered his parents telling him that magic was a tool to be used. Every other deadly spell, every other curse - he would wield them in battle, ensuring he and everyone else got out safely. They were a tool. He could study the effects of curses, use their knowledge to further his understanding of the one that affected Anne. They were a resource. But raising the inferius had no purpose, no justification. It was an act of tampering with the darkest aspects of magic, a line that he had crossed without fully comprehending the consequences. Tears welled up in Sebastian's eyes, and he let out a choked sob. The realization of slipping away from using magic as a tool and descending into the realm of actual darkness terrified him. He couldn't fathom what he had become, what he was capable of.