In The Shadow of Our Choices

Chapter 71 - Inner Defeat

Sebastian

Thursday morning, Sebastian hit yet another dead end before breakfast. He hadn't slept the night before, mostly because when he did, his nightmares about losing Lizzie were vivid and varied. Some nights it was the usual dream - trapped in a cell and forced to listen to her screams. Other nights, she was struck down by Ashwinders in the forest. But the worst were when she was brought down by his own hand - watching the rupturing curse slam into her with no barriers, or when she dropped in a flash of green. Sometimes, she wasn't even in the dreams, and those... he now understood her sentiment of feeling like he was drowning in blood. How many people had he killed now? And he didn't even know their names. Those dreams were suffocating - the blood, the black and twisting veins...

It was easier not to sleep, to throw himself into his research on the Elder Wand - to work towards a cure for Anne, like he always did. But accounts of the Elder Wand had dropped off about a hundred years ago, and every time he thought he found a mention or a hint of it more recently, it turned out to be nothing. He'd tried following families through genealogies, tracking the descendents of those rumored to have held the wand, but nothing pointed to any of them possessing the wand, or, more often, the family had simply died out.

Sebastian shut the book he had been reading with a sigh, thoroughly unsure where to go next with his search. His mind felt clouded, his thoughts scattered. Perhaps there would be something in the Library? As a N.E.W.T. level student, he was now allowed in the restricted section, and he thought he remembered a few books on wandlore he had previously ignored. It was as good a place as any to start again he decided, and tossed his books for Charms and Transfiguration into his bag, just in case he didn't make it back to his dorm before his afternoon classes. Shouldering his bag tugged at the faint scars that ran from his neck, across his shoulder, and down his upper arm. Despite Blainey's assurances that the burns wouldn't scar, they had, though faintly.

Trudging up to the Library alone, he didn't stop to admire the way the leaves outside had begun to change outside, nor did he pause to wonder why the corridors were so empty. Sebastian was lost in his thoughts, thinking about everything he had done, how things had gone so wrong. As he pushed through the doors to the library, however, he did think that it was good to be there again. He often avoided it, knowing Madam Scribner's dislike for him. Today, however, he saw Aria sitting at the desk, Scribner off somewhere in the shelves.

"Hey Aria," Sebastian said as he approached, mustering a smile for her.

"It's Miss Blackwell, Sallow," she said, looking up from her paperwork with a glare. "What do you need? Why are you not at breakfast?"

Sebastian paused, realizing that he was missing breakfast. He shook his head at the oversight.

"I was wondering if you could let me into the restricted section," he said, "There's a few books... What?"

She was shaking her head before he had even finished speaking.

"Sorry, I can't do that," Aria said with a shrug.

Sebastian just stared at her for a moment, trying to understand. His brain felt like a machine that needed to be oiled.

"Why not?" Sebastian said, "Aria, I swear, if this is you holding a grudge because of last year, I... I don't blame you, actually."

He'd switched gears mid-sentence, thinking about how he'd tormented both Larson and Lizzie, and been horrible to her on top of it. Aria was right to hold that against him - he should have listened that day she'd scolded him in the entrance hall. As it was, a look of confusion flashed across her face, disappearing quickly.

"That's not it," she said, "I can't. You've been banned from the restricted section."

While his brain was still turning over the word banned, she pulled open a drawer, drawing out a piece of paper that held Scribner's familiar handwriting. It was titled 'Restriction Section Permissions Revoked For the Following Students:' and his name was the sole entry. He looked at it blankly, feeling as if someone had hollowed out his insides.