Forces Beyond The Grave

9.6

His head dropped slightly as she looked him up and down. She considered telling him of her emotional development over the past two days, but it would only make things worse. 

"How did this happen dad?" She asked blankly. 

"I just couldn't handle losing you. I'd already lost your mother. You were all I had left in this world. And then you were gone, just like that. I wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. Hell I couldn't even bathe myself. Someone at the hospital, offered me a pick me up, and it worked, until it didn't. I needed something stronger, and then it just spiraled. And when Will found out, God I was devastated. I'd let you down, myself down, and he was my friend, I put him in a horrible position. The only reason I got clean was because I owed it to him. He could've turned me in, he should've but he didn't. Jay never thought you were dead, he'd kept searching all that time, I guess it just got too much. I started using again just before you came home, last year, it was your mother's anniversary. I thought I could handle it, just a sleeping pill here and there, a couple pain killers to help with the headaches." 

He rested his head in his hands, and after some silence he released a quiet sob that would've broken the heart of any child who had one. Lennox looked towards the kitchen, not able to look directly at her father. She cleared her throat as silently as she could before speaking. 

"You could've died dad. Withdrawal, as bad as this, you can't just stop when you're dependent-" 

"I don't want to be dependent!" He looked up from his lap, his eyes red with exhaustion. "I can't be dependent anymore Lennox. I have no reason, you're here, you're not gone anymore I'm looking right at you, I have no reason to be on the drugs. I just wanted the father you grew up with again. So that if one day, you got your feelings back, you could look at me and not see a disappointment. I'm not myself, I don't want to be this person, I never did." 

"I know." 

"I'm so sorry I let you down sweetheart," 

"Dad it's...you didn't let me down." She shook her head as she took his hand, looking firmly at her lap as he kissed the back of her hand and squeezed tightly. 

In that moment, just like her father, Lennox was grateful to not have her feelings intact - even without the majority of her emotions, she could feel the disorienting discomfort from the situation. With her memories of their relationship before, she couldn't begin to imagine how emotional she would be if she were her old self.

"You need help dad." 

"I know." 

"You have to get help this time." 

"I know, and I will, I'll do anything." 

"Okay, so we'll look at rehab." The mention of a rehab facility caused a whirl of fear to descend upon Patrick as he looked up at his daughter. 

"Rehab?" 

"Yes." 

"No. Lennox, if I go to rehab they'll take my license, I won't be able to practise anymore, my reputation will be in ruins," 

"Dad, you're not listening to me. You need help. Help that Will can't give you; professional help. You are lucky that you haven't killed anyone, yet. But he can't cover for you anymore, it's not fair. Forcing yourself through withdrawal with saline bags are only gonna get you so far, you need to get clean the right way, even if it means going to the board and taking three months off. Will can vouch for you, you've had no accidents with a patient, nothing bad to report, chances are they'll put it as a strike on your record and let you go back once you can prove that you're clean, for good. But you have to do it right this time, do you understand what I'm saying to you?" 

He nodded as Lennox watched him. 

"I'm threatening you so that your friends don't have to. When you're able, you go to the board, you tell them the truth, and you ask for leniency and three months to get yourself back on track, is that a deal?" 

"Yes, yes it is." 

"Good. Dad, whether I can feel it or not, I love you. Okay? I'm here, and you're gonna be fine."