Why do I feel this way?

Part 52: Unspoken

Siobhan cried herself back to sleep in Vivian arms. The older woman's heart felt like it was being ripped out as she watched and heard the pain she was feeling.

Tomorrow is Saturday... I'm going to message Char and Mia to see if they could take Jamie for the weekend— or Marjorie. Thankfully this is my off weekend. I'm just scared Siobhan may try to hurt herself. I need her to truly understand what she means to me and know what she is worth.

Finally it was a decent time, and she sent a message to Charlotte. She wasn't sure if she had the girls this weekend or not, but she was hoping they could help her out.

To Char:
Good morning, Char. I'm sorry to message so early, but I wanted to ask if you could possibly keep Jamie for today and tomorrow?

Mia must have been there because before Charlotte even sent her response a message came in from Mia.

From Mia:
Viv, what's wrong?

From Charlotte:
Of course, I have the girls this weekend. They would love to have someone else to play with— they are tired of each other at this point. Mia is going to come collect him. She jumped up right after you messaged to get ready to leave.

To Charlotte:
Thank you guys so much! It means a lot!

To Mia:
Let's just say it wasn't a good night. Don't worry, we will be okay. Thank you for coming to get Jamie. I'm going to pack him a bag real quick. See you soon.

As Vivian approached Jamie's door, she could hear him playing with his train set. He was making a soft, quiet "choo-choo" sound that made his mom giggle. "Good morning, Jamie." The boy jumped a little, but soon his eyes gleamed with joy, "Good morning, momma! I tried to be quiet" She walked over to him picking him up for a snuggle, "You didn't wake me up, sweetheart." Jamie wrapped his arms around Vivian's neck, "Good!"

As Vivian set him back down, she walked to Jamie's bed and grabbed his overnight bag. "You're getting to go over to Ms. Charlotte's house this weekend!" He started jumping up and down in excitement exclaiming, "Yay! Are Hillary and Madelyn there?!" Vivian nodded and Jamie sprinted over to start getting outfits from his drawer.

He is so excited! The way he loves Charlotte and her girls is precious. They are so good with him too. Since me and Siobhan got together, we have become really close with Mia and Charlotte. I have confided in Mia about some things and have asked for advice regarding Siobhan. Mia told me that Siobhan and Charlotte message quite often. It's really nice to have that ongoing support.

"Momma! Can I put my clothes in the bag now?" Vivian hadn't realized that she zoned out being preoccupied with her thoughts. "Right, sorry Jamie. Let's get you packed." He looked at her with his eyebrows scrunched up, "No momma, you don't put me in the bag. You're supposed to put my clothes in the bag." Kids take things so literally sometimes, "oh right, silly me!" Vivian replied through laughter.

A knock sounded through the house and Jamie took off bounding down the stairs. Vivian quickly followed him with his bag and greeted Mia at the door. "Jamie is just a little excited to hang out with you guys this weekend." Mia smiled, "is that right?" She bent down in front of Jamie and began tickling his belly. He giggled and nodded his head. Mia stood up and looked at Vivian. She didn't need any words— she could see it. "Viv, I'm only a call away if you need me. Char can handle the 3 kiddos on her own and I can come help you. Just know you can reach out..." Mia's facial expression softened and her eyes sparkled softly, hinting at the tears that threatened to fall.

All Vivian could do was nod before Mia led Jamie to the car. He turned around before getting into the car seat and waved bye to his mom. She returned the wave and smiled before closing the door. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she leaned against the door and looked up towards the stairs.

She climbs the stairs to lay back down with Siobhan.

I hate this... How could Roger do this to her? Her name literally symbolizes beauty, charm and blessedness. She is a beautiful person and is worth so much more than I can even describe. Somehow I've got to get her to believe that.

Vivian climbed back in the bed and laid her head on Siobhan's chest. She needed to hear her heartbeat, feel her breathing. As she laid there, she closed her eyes and finally fell asleep.

A couple hours later Siobhan woke up seeing Vivian laying on her chest. She felt happy, warm, and loved. Her fingers softly combed through the brunette hair as she got lost in thought.

I could have lost this... I could have missed my future— Where I eventually find healing and happiness. I want to be present— I want to open my heart and mind to accept this love and devotion she so desperately wants to give me. It's not something I have ever known, so it's scary for me.

When I'm with Vivian it's like the world fades and it's just us. I feel out of control, but that feeling has always meant fear and pain for me. The difference is that all I feel is love from her, but the feelings from the past 30 years swarm me and I just want to run away. How do I let her love me the way she wants to love me when I feel too dirty to receive it?

I wish I could think this clearly all the time and believe that I deserve this... I will get there— I just have to fight. I have to open up to Vivian. Be willing to seek therapy. Do the things instead of saying the things.