Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 64: Round One

Once they got home that evening, they ate dinner then cuddled on the couch. Siobhan pulled out the book she bought during her lunch break. It's the first book in Stars will Twinkle, The Sun will Shine series. It was called Under the Weather. Vivian swallowed hard as she straightened against the back of the couch. Her eyes glistened as she turned to Jamie pulling him into her lap.

"Sweetie, mommy and Bonnie need to talk to you about something." Jamie looked up at her smiling, "Okay, I promise I'll turn my listening ears on." His eyes scan Vivian's face, "Why are you sad mommy?" Siobhan sits next to Vivian resting her hand against her arm. The blonde's eyes soften even more as she nods at Vivian encouraging her to continue.

"When the doctors did your surgery, they found some things that didn't belong." Jamie knitted his eyebrows, "But mommy, I haven't swallowed one of my toys since I was three. Did one get stuck?" His innocence broke through the tension as the two women chuckled at his reaction.

"No Jamie. They found bad cells that are making you sick. It's an illness that's called cancer. That's why you are having to take that medicine every morning." Jamie dropped his head, his voice breaking, "Mommy, am I going to die?" Vivian wrapped her arms tightly around him resting her chin on his head, "No baby, no."

Siobhan steps in, her voice soft, "There is medicine you are going to have to take at the hospital. You will start it next week." Siobhan rubs his back gently, "I have a book to read to you about a girl named Olivia that had cancer too." Jamie pulled away and looked at Vivian and Siobhan as tears rolled down his cheeks, "I don't want cancer. I don't want to be sick."

Siobhan and Vivian look into each other's eyes seeking strength to comfort Jamie. The two women hold Jamie tight as he cries. After a few minutes, Jamie sniffed quietly and he wiped his tears. "Can you read the book to me now?" The boy lays his head on Vivian's chest while Siobhan reads the book. Vivian kisses the top of his head and brushes her fingers through his hair.

They finish reading the book and walk Jamie up stairs to tuck him in. He hops into his bed and slips under the covers. "Mommy, can you and Bonnie read a Paw Patrol book to me?" As they read the Paw Patrol book the atmosphere softened and the fear disappeared. Jamie nodded off halfway through the book. Vivian and Siobhan kiss Jamie on the forehead before leaving the room.

Vivian takes Siobhan's hand as they walk together to their bedroom. Siobhan crawls into bed as Vivian follows behind her scooting across the bed into her arms. As Vivian's body begins to jerk from her sobs, Siobhan kisses her softly on the cheek, tears flooding her own eyes. There were no words, nothing that could lessen their hurt. They just held each other crying themselves to sleep.

Monday came quickly and Jamie was going into the hospital to get his first IV chemo treatment. Vivian told Siobhan to go in for work and she would call if she needed her. Siobhan knew her partner was worried about the financial aspect of this journey so continuing to go to work was important— although difficult.

Vivian arrived at the hospital with Jamie and skipped in through the front door. As they walked the halls, her chest tightened more and more. The smell of antiseptic  made her nauseous as her heartbeat echoed in her ears.

Dr. Phillips was there to greet them and answer questions as the nurses prepped Jamie for chemo. Jamie was impressed with Dr. Phillips Paw Patrol surgical cap. "Oh, so you're a Paw Patrol fan huh?" Jamie smiles, "Yes! It's my favorite!" The giggle that escaped his lips pulled his mom back to the present. She sat next to the hospital bed watching the nurses do their job. After they inserted the IV and started the flow of medicine, they took their gloves off and placed a hand on Vivian's shoulder.

Several miles away at the nursery Siobhan sits silently at her desk throwing herself into her work. Her mind was loud and restless, but the routine of paperwork grounded her just enough. Marjorie and Autumn both had tried to get her attention, but it was as if she had temporarily lost her hearing.

"Autumn, could you cover for Charlotte so she can come in here for a few minutes?" Marjorie's face drowned in concern and Autumn shared a knowing look with her friend before getting Charlotte. Autumn entered the baby room and approached Charlotte, "Marjorie needs you in the office." A confused expression filled Charlotte's face as she tried to figure out a reason Marjorie would need her. As Autumn recognized the look she spoke again, "It's Siobhan. She won't respond to us. She hasn't said a word all morning."

Charlotte quickly makes her way to the office and as she enters her heart drops. Siobhan is moving as if she is stuck on autopilot. Charlotte approaches silently and slowly. When she reaches Siobhan's desk, she places a hand on top of the blonde's. "Siobhan..." Charlotte says softly. The physical touch breaks the cycle and Siobhan freezes. Her voice trembles as she keeps her eyes fixed on the stack of papers, "My mind won't stop... I can't stop thinking about Jamie and Vivian. They need me right now and I'm here..." A tear drips from her chin onto the paper beneath her. "I know we need the money, but it physically hurts that I can't comfort them right now."

Marjorie watches on, her heart breaking in two witnessing the heaviness of the moment unfolding before her. A part of her was shocked seeing this side of Siobhan, but the other part of her wanted desperately to find a way to help.

Charlotte stands there silently just letting Siobhan process her emotions. In growing closer to Siobhan, she learned that it helped the blonde to verbalize her thoughts in order to process them— to think clearly. Marjorie's voice coated in sorrow pierced through the thin air, "Siobhan, go to hospital. I think you need them just as much as they need you right now. This is his first treatment— it's new and scary. It's normal to feel the way you are feeling, my love."

It didn't take any more convincing. Siobhan grabbed her keys and purse walking out to the car park. She mindlessly made the drive to the hospital parking in one of the few remaining spots in the back. She felt like she couldn't move fast enough to get to them. As she entered the room, Vivian turned, making eye contact. "Viv, I know we talked about me staying at work, but I just couldn't focus. All I wanted was to be here for my family."

Vivian walks over to Siobhan gently placing her hand on her cheek gliding her thumb across her cheek bone. "Shhh... Baby, I'm so glad you didn't listen to me." She kisses her softly, "I need you here with me. Before Jamie fell asleep, he was asking for you." The two women walk back over to the hospital bed. Siobhan sits in the chair and Vivian lowers herself into the blonde's lap. She lays her head on Siobhan as her fingers ghost over one of her favorite symbols of their family— the locket.