Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 54: Velociraptors

It had been a couple months since Siobhan agreed to see a therapist and admitted to herself that she was an addict. She hasn't had any pills since her overdose and she felt happy. Vivian is truly the love of her life and Jamie quickly became like her own.

Through intense sessions with her therapist, Wren, a lot of her trauma had been explored. The coping strategies she learned in therapy were becoming like second nature when her past experiences tried to overtake her mind. She had become transparent with Vivian— vulnerable to an extent she never imagined. Instead of hiding herself and her thoughts, she spoke openly. Vivian was proud of the progress she witnessed in her partner.

Jamie's birthday was quickly approaching. The two women had been planning his 5th birthday party for a couple weeks. They settled on a dinosaur themed party and Siobhan went crazy. She wanted to give Jamie the best birthday a 5 year old could experience. Vivian had attempted to convince her girlfriend not to do too much, but it was useless. Siobhan had so much love for Vivian and Jamie— she wanted them to feel special. They were special, especially to Siobhan.

I'm concerned that Siobhan and I might actually have an argument over financing this party. Her ideas are so sweet, but I can't afford it. Is this stemming from guilt? Or does she just want it to be special for Jamie?

She has expressed her guilt for how she put Jamie in danger— with hiding pills in the house. In her mind, she caused a traumatic time in his life having to be away from home because of Roger. I have tried to convince her it's not her fault, but I'm not sure she allows herself to believe it.

Lately, she has been preoccupied with the fact that "she brought Bennie into the mix". Those were her exact words, but he hasn't been around in a while. I just wish she wouldn't feel so guilty about things that aren't her fault— or decisions she made while buried in addiction.

The guest list was their task for tonight. They were cooking dinner together while Jamie was in the living room watching Dino Ranch. As Vivian stirred the broth, Siobhan chopped up the vegetables for their soup. She then took the last few pieces of bread and cubed them up to toss in the oven to toast. "These will be great to put in with the soup. Can't go wrong with a little crunch." They loved watching each other cook— it often got them into trouble.

Jamie jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen. "Mommy! Are you and Bonnie going to talk about my birthday party? I can't wait. My friends are going to be so impressed!" The two women smiled at the ecstatic 4 year old. Siobhan whispered in Jamie's ear, "We are talking about your party, but we want you to be surprised too. So you have to promise not to listen to us." He shook his head as a serious look spread across his face. Vivian barely held back her laughter as she watched him march back into the living room.

"So, Bon. Who were you thinking we should invite to Jamie's party?" There was no response so she turned around. She found that the blonde was completely zoned out looking up and down her body. "BON! I'm trying to have a conversation here!" The blonde shook her head quickly. "Sorry, Viv. You know what seeing you cook does to me." Vivian rolls her eyes feigning annoyance, but her very obvious blush tells her true thoughts.

"ANYWAY... Who are we going to invite to Jamie's party?" Siobhan smiled as she turned her attention to Jamie. The bright screen flashing gave glimpses of his captivated stare at the TV. Every so often he would repeat the characters' lines.

He saw Bonnie looking at him and he asked with enthusiasm, "Can I have velociraptors at my party?!" The pair chuckled as Siobhan responded, "Can't tell you... remember— it's a surprise!" Jamie plopped his head back on the cushion of the couch, "Bonnie, you're the best party planner around! Isn't she mommy?!" Vivian smiled, "She sure is Jamie." She says loud enough for him to hear as she winks at Siobhan. "I bet she could actually get real life velociraptors for my party." Both women's eyes popped open as they stifled their laughs.

Regaining her composure, she looked back at Vivian and spoke softly. "Well, I mean of course your parents. Mia, Charlotte and the girls. Reece, Marjorie, Aut..." The brunette's eyes were wide as saucers. She didn't expect her once Ice Queen of a girlfriend to give such an extensive list. "Are you about to list the entire nursery staff?" She said teasingly. The blonde lowered her head and shyly admitted, "Well... yeah... and the kids in Jamie's class. Also, apparently real life velociraptors..." Vivian turned her head to one side as a smirk pulled at her cheek.

I truly hope I can handle all the socializing. I want to, but I haven't been to a huge gathering since Roger. I'm a little worried it could be a trigger for me, but I know how to deal with that now. I know healthy strategies to cope... I can do this.

She walked over to the blonde, brushed the back of her curled hand across her cheek and kissed her soft but passionately. As she pulled back, tears were pooling in her gorgeous blue eyes. "Baby, I never thought that you would be so willing to have such a large gathering. Are you sure? We can keep it small." Siobhan smiled, "Sunshine, they are all like my family now. The support and care they have shown me, shown us. You, my sunshine, have melted this icy heart... and I'm learning that it's better this way."

I do love them like family. They have helped us through some rough days and loved me on some of the worst days of my life. Days that I hated myself they spoke encouragement and love. The least I can do is try...

Vivian was speechless. She just stared into her partner's soft gray eyes.

I never would have imagined Siobhan would truly let those that cared for her so much at the nursery into her heart.

That huge castle she built around herself was now just a stone fence with gaping holes all around. I thought I had fallen as deep as I could in love with her, but I was wrong... I feel like I'm in a never ending well... A love so deep I can't even see the depths of it. Endless.

"Earth to Viv!" The brunette didn't realize how long she had been staring at Siobhan. She let out a giggle of amusement and kissed the blonde once more before returning to the stove.

"I was thinking we could have a bouncy house and a blow up obstacle course for the kids to enjoy." Vivian raises her eyebrow as she looks at Siobhan like she had lost her mind. "Um... Bon... I've been saving up for his 5th birthday party since his 4th, but I don't have that kind of money put aside. Maybe we could have it at the park or go to my parents house since they basically have a whole playground in their backyard."

Siobhan walked up behind Vivian and wrapped her arms around her waist. "I have that kind of money. Let me do something special for Jamie— for you. I would give you the world if I could, but I can't. However, I can give you this... will you let me spoil you two? Please?" Vivian's breath hitched in her chest, her body froze, at the love she felt from Siobhan's words. "Thank you, Bon. This means so much to me. You are going to make that little boy so happy."

I don't know if this is the best idea. I know she genuinely wants the best for Jamie, but a part of me wonders if this is a way for her to cope. If that's the case, it's not healthy. It worries me... that kind of pressure isn't fair to her— or Jamie.