Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 85: Aftermath

It had been a few weeks since Chris had taken Siobhan and the recovery had been brutal. Both women were enduring recurring flashbacks and nightmares. When Vivian struggled, Siobhan was right there by her side helping her work through it. Vivian always did the same for Siobhan. They refused to allow this trauma to destroy what they worked so hard to find.

Vivian had started to go to therapy once a week after she realized how much she hadn't worked through from the abuse with Chris. Siobhan was also continuing therapy. The last few weeks she had been going twice a week considering the recent torture she had been through. It was a major concern that she could relapse and escape through pills again. She felt comfortable enough with not only Vivian, but Charlotte and Mia to tell them when she was tempted.

Jamie was talking to Sorscha one afternoon at the nursery as he was out in the garden with his class. He was running around with his friends, but with the effects of his cancer treatment, he would get tired quicker. The young boy sat next to Sorscha, "are you friends with my mom and Bonnie?" The redhead chuckled thinking about how her relationship with Siobhan used to be. "Well, Jamie, yeah. We are friends." The boy looked up at Sorscha with a smile.

Sorscha noticed something expressed in his eyes she couldn't quite place until he continued to speak. "I'm worried about them." The Irish woman looked down at Jamie with a deep look of concern. She turned her body to face him as she spoke softly, "why are you worried, Jamie?" He looked down as he dragged his hands through the grass below them. "They seem sad a lot and they don't sleep very good. Sometimes I wake up hearing them scream." His eyes glassed over as he looked back up at his teacher. "Last night I heard Bonnie screaming. It scared me and I went to mummy's bedroom to check on them. Mummy was holding Bonnie while she was crying. They said she was okay, but I don't believe them. Something is wrong Mrs. Sorscha."

Her heart broke hearing Jamie's concern for the most important women in his life. She could feel a lump in her throat form as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Jamie, is it okay with you if I talk to them about what you told me?" He nodded his head as he added softly, "I think they need their friends right now." She rubbed the top of his head playfully making him giggle, "you are such a good son, Jamie. Your mummy and Bonnie are lucky to have you in their lives. Did you know that?" Jamie's face lit up as he thanked Sorscha and then hopped up to join his friends again.

Vivian arrived to collect Jamie that evening as Siobhan had to go to a meeting at head office. Most of the children had gone home, so there were only four left. Sorscha saw Vivian coming down the corridor and she called out to Charlotte. "Charlie, I'll be right back. Do you mind watching my group?" Charlotte looked up at Sorscha confused, but told her she didn't mind at all. The Irish woman met Vivian at the door, "hiya, Vivian. Could you come to the meeting room with me so we can talk?" Vivian was taken back by the request, and responded with confusion evident in her voice, "um, yeah. Okay."

As they enter the meeting room, Sorscha shuts the door behind them. "Sorscha, what's going on? Is Jamie okay?" The redhead nervously bounces on her feet as she places her hands in her hoodie pocket. "Well, yes and no. He's physically fine, but he told me today how worried he is about you and Siobhan." Vivian's head dropped as tears immediately began to fill her eyes. A tingling sensation spread through her chest. When she spoke, her tone was defeated, "What did he say? I thought we were hiding it okay from him." Sorscha's eyes were full of compassion as she spoke softly, "he said he wakes up to screams and that you and Siobhan are sad a lot."

Vivian kneels down as she brings her hands to cover her face. Her body begins to shake and jerk softly as sobs break through her. Sorscha kneels down on the floor in front of her placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Viv, you and Siobhan have been through so much. You are doing the best you can. He just loves you two and is too smart for his own good. You can't shield him from everything." Sorscha helps Vivian to her feet and walks with her over to the table to sit.

"Look, I know I may be overstepping here, but maybe you two should actually go on your honeymoon." Vivian chuckles as she looked up tilting her head slightly, "Seriously..." Sorscha scoffs, "Yes, seriously. You two need to get away. A switch up from your routine. AND.... You need time alone." The friend winked suggestively causing Vivian to laugh. She appreciated Sorscha's humorous delivery of her serious suggestion. After all, she is right— they needed to get away and reconnect. Some days they forgot they were even married— most days they were satisfied with just making it through. Intimacy was on the back burner— their brains had switched to survival mode and got stuck there.

Vivian took Jamie home and cooked him one of his favorite meals, spaghetti. They sat together at the table eating and talking. She couldn't help but feel guilt for what Jamie noticed about her and Siobhan. There are already things in his life a 5 year old shouldn't have to deal with and now they are causing more pain. Logically she knew none of it was her fault and was out of her control, but all she could think about was that it was affecting her beautiful son.

"Mummy, nursery was really fun today. I got to play with my friends in the garden. I probably ran around for ten minutes before I got tired. I'm getting stronger, mummy." The brunette smiled, "that's great, Jamie. You are so strong." He looked up at his mom, "I'm only strong because you and Bonnie teach me how to be strong. I watch you— all the time." The words hit Vivian hard. She raised her hand slowly to wipe the tears way. "I love you, son. You are the best thing in my life." Jamie giggled as he leaned into hug his mum, "I love you too."

When they finished dinner, Vivian started Jamie's bedtime routine. He got his bath, put on his pajamas and watched a couple of episodes of Octonauts before Vivian led him up to his bed. Siobhan got home just in time to help read his bedtime story. It was one of her favorite things to do with Jamie. Siobhan had a passion for reading and she wanted Jamie to share that same love for reading. They both kissed their sweet boy before telling him goodnight and leaving the room.

As Vivian pulled the door shut, she gently grabbed Siobhan's hand pulling it up kissing the back of her hand lovingly. "Bon, can we talk?" She dropped their hand by her side, still holding on. They walked downstairs together and sat next to each other on the sofa. Vivian opened her arms for Siobhan to snuggle into her. She wanted the blonde to feel comforted.

The older woman took a deep breath and calmly said, "Sorscha shared with me a conversation she had with Jamie today." Siobhan took her wife's hand in hers bringing them in front of her face admiring their wedding rings. She whispered, "and..." A soft smile stretched across her face watching her wife so captivated by their rings— thinking about their journey to their wedding day. She sighs, "and we aren't hiding it as well as we thought we were... Jamie told Sorscha that he was worried about us." The blonde sat up looking at Vivian with tears in her eyes, "poor Jamie. He is so much like his mom."

Siobhan leaned closer, kissing Vivian thoughtfully on the lips. As they pulled away from each other, Vivian brushed her fingers against Siobhan's cheek, "baby, I think it's time for us to actually go on our honeymoon. I've missed you..." The blonde looked at her puzzled, "Viv, I'm home every night. We sleep in the same bed..." Her voice trailed off as she realized the significance of Vivian's confession. The blonde also realized that she missed her wife just as much. Siobhan exhaled slowly, threading her fingers through Vivian's. "You're right, Viv. We need to reconnect."