Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 87: Through the Grief

It felt like she had been standing there for a few minutes watching Siobhan grieve. If she couldn't hold her, she was going to be there any way Siobhan would let her. Vivian stood silently with a tear soaked face while her heart ached. In reality she had been there supporting her wife for hours. She hesitantly decided to speak up, "Bon, do you want to go inside? I can make you a cup of tea." Siobhan didn't say a word. She just stood walking with her head down, past Vivian and to the condo.

Vivian froze as she watched Siobhan walk past her. Her expression was cold and distant. Before she turned to follow Siobhan, Vivian broke. Her face contorted as she silently sobbed. She looked up at the stars reminding herself even in the darkest moments there is still light. Vivian closed her eyes as she took a deep breath and dried her tears with the edge of her towel.

Siobhan curled up on the sofa. She was stuck, mentally frozen. When Vivian brought her tea, she sat up and as her lip trembled she begged, "Viv, will you hold me?" A small wave of relief eased the tension in Vivian as she finally got to comfort Siobhan. As the blonde settled in her arms, she whispered, "I love you." Those were the last words uttered by Siobhan that night. She fell asleep wrapped in her wife's arms. Vivian felt the tension leave Siobhan's body as she drifted off.

Against all expectations Siobhan slept through the night. Vivian woke up first and watched the blonde sleep. She loved seeing the peaceful expression on Siobhan's face while she slept. Siobhan began to stir and Vivian began whispering, "you're safe, it's me." The blonde turned her gaze to Vivian and smiled, "good morning, baby." She snuggled closer to Vivian as she took her hand pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it. Tears dripped slowly down her cheeks, "I'm so sorry, Viv. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Vivian's heart stuttered at Siobhan's words, "Bon, there is nothing to apologize for— you didn't hurt me." Siobhan looked up at her and with a trembling voice said, "I saw the look on your face. You were confused and hurt. I'm so sorry." Vivian held her closer, "Bon, I need you to really listen to me, okay." The blonde took in several deep breaths calming herself before closing her eyes gently then peering into Vivian's eyes with such trust. "You didn't hurt me. I love you with all that is in me and when you are hurting, I feel it too. You didn't cause the pain. The pain I feel comes from the same person who hurt you— it's not your fault, baby."

Siobhan presses a single kiss to Vivian's chest as she lets her words settle. "Thank you for making me listen, Viv." The two relax into each other's embrace and feel as if a small piece of the hurt was peeled away in the silence. Siobhan shyly looks up at Vivian as a soft smile emerges, "can we watch The Little Mermaid?" The brunette was overwhelmed with emotion. She loved seeing her love's smile and the fact she was asking for her comfort movie meant a step forward to healing. It meant Siobhan wasn't shutting herself off, she wasn't numbing it. She was embracing it— seeking comfort and connection.

The brunette handed the remote to Siobhan to pull up the movie as she got up to make coffee. While she waited for it to brew, she picked up her phone and typed a short message.

To Sorscha:
Good morning, could you tell Clodagh thank you for me? Her wisdom was very... useful.

Vivian set her phone back down, leaving it on silent. She made her way back to the sofa with Siobhan. As she sat down with a small gap between them, Siobhan whined just a little. In a sheepish whisper, she asked, "Can we cuddle?" Vivian looked into those deep grey eyes with a dopey grin on her face, "of course, darling." She shifted closer as she felt Siobhan press into her body further into her.

I'm so proud of her for fighting through and seeking connection instead of staying shutdown. She trusts that she can be vulnerable and I will be here when she is ready.

Throughout the movie the two of course took turns with quoting lines.. The moments were quiet, goofy and comforting— the perfect mixture of what they needed. Once the movie ended, they noticed the weather was again gorgeous. It was warmer than they expected it to be— perfect for an ocean swim. It would be a chilly swim, but they would take what they could get while the temperature and clear skies obliged.

They walked together, hand in hand, down to the water's edge taking a few moments to take in the grainy texture of the sand on the bottom of their feet. The rhythmic sound of the waves and the gentle feeling of the water washing over them. They almost forgot their towels were hanging over their shoulders. Vivian took both towels and tossed them further up the beach away from the water. "Come on, Bon. Let's get wet." The blonde raised her eyebrows, finding her wife's word choice amusing.

"Speaking of getting wet..." the blonde said with a soft bump to Vivian's hip. Vivian raised a curious eyebrow as they waded further into the ocean. Siobhan's tone became serious, "there is something I want to try." She pauses a moment watching her partner as if searching for any hint of hesitation. "Touching seems to be my trigger right now, but we can be intimate without it." The brunette smiles softly as she pulls the blonde a little deeper into the water. "Bon, whatever you need, I'm here for it. But you have to promise me something first." Her expression softens, "If you start to feel uncomfortable, even the slightest bit, you have to immediately say our safe word."

Siobhan lowers herself into the water slowly dragging her arms back and forth just at the surface of the water, "I promise... I will yell 'jumanji' if it gets too much." Vivian blushed slightly thinking about their conversation when choosing their safe word. The blonde noticed her flustered wife and giggled, "Viv, I think you need to submerge yourself... you're about to overheat."

A couple hours away at the Doyle's, Sorscha checked her phone seeing the notification from Vivian. When she opens it, she smiled and called Clodagh over. " Babe, I don't know what you said to the Clark's yesterday, but Vivian sent this." Clodagh felt a lump rise in her throat as she read the message, "I just shared from my experience. They don't deserve any of this hardship and I'm going to do what I can to help them. They deserve to thrive as a couple, not just survive."