Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 46: The Mirror

The next morning Vivian's alarm sounded. The brunette furrowed her eyebrows as she flung her arm across smacking the top of it.

Time to get up already? Ugh! I kept waking up checking on Siobhan through the night. Something is just gnawing at me and I'm so worried about her. Life keeps going though, right?

She slides out of bed, grabs her clothes out of the closet and tiptoes to the bathroom. She isn't really feeling it this morning, so after getting dressed and brushing her teeth, she applies the bare minimum— a little mascara and lipstick. Flashing her fake smile in the mirror just checking if it still is convincing— "good enough" she thought to herself. She takes a deep breath, exhales with a sigh and makes her way to Jamie's room.

Once she has Jamie ready for nursery and starts to head down stairs with him to the kitchen, she hears Siobhan letting out a soft grunt as she stretches before getting out of bed. Without hesitation, she quickly detours to the bedroom to give Siobhan a kiss. Noticing the brief smile ghosting across the blonde's face before she turns to go downstairs to fix Jamie's breakfast.

I can tell she is still out of it. The rest of the night seemed to be nightmare free, but she still seems to not have had good rest. I just want her to know I'm still here— and love her.

Siobhan goes to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She gets herself ready for work and fills her Altoids tin with the small white pills before she pops 3 in her mouth. Leaning over the sink to sip water from the faucet the shame pummels through her as she stands to look at herself in the mirror.

Behind my mask of makeup no one would ever know how dark it really is inside my mind. They could never guess that, even though I have found the love of my life and Roger is dead, I still fight for the will to live every second of every day. Maybe I can numb myself with these long enough to hold on until I find the solution.

"Bye Bonnie!" Jamie's sweet voice shatters through her thoughts and steals her breath. "Bye Jamie. I love you. See you soon at nursery!" The voice she projects gives no hint to the tears that begin to leak from her eyes. The searing pain of the darkness and light colliding within her is almost unbearable. She hears another beautiful voice crash through, "Have a good day Bon Bon. I love you baby!" Hearing the pounding of her heart in her ears she barely hears herself respond. "Love you." The sound of the door closing behind them seems to echo through her as now the physical emptiness matches her internal emptiness.

Vivian pulls up to the nursery. She is trying her hardest to be present in the moment with her son, but her thoughts keep shifting to Siobhan. Her movements are automatic as she walks over to open the door for Jamie. The little boys excitement jolts her from her daze as he shouts, "Mummy, I can't wait to see my friends! Oh and Ms. Charlotte and Mrs. Marjorie..." he continues naming every other staff member in the building. I'm so happy he loves everyone here. It's like one big family.

"Hiya, Charlotte." Jamie's key worker lifts her head quickly at the familiar voice. Her smile radiates through the space as her soft, cheery voice greets them, "Vivian, Jamie, good morning! How are we today?" Vivian flashes a half smile looking down as she shuffles Jamie's hair through her fingers. As she brings her head back up, she catches the flicker of concern on Charlotte's face.

Vivian doesn't exactly sound like herself today. She seems a little down. I can hear it in her voice— a hint of heaviness.

Of course Charlotte can tell something is wrong. This woman misses absolutely nothing. If I could pick anyone to do handover with today, it would be Marjorie.

"Jamie is very excited to be back at nursery today. He has missed you all so much. He has already had breakfast as well." Charlotte smiles down at Jamie, "Why don't you go over to the book corner with Carly and see if she will let you read her a book?" His little face lights up as he quickly makes his way to Carly. Charlotte looks back up at Vivian, "Viv..." The brunette tenses up anticipating what Charlotte is going to say.

"Are you okay? You don't quite seem like yourself today." As I exhale exasperatedly through my nose, I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I can feel my shoulders slump forward as I drop my gaze fleetingly to the floor. "Yeah, everything is... uh... everything is fine Char. Nothing to worry about..." I flash the smile I practiced this morning, but judging by the look in her eyes, she isn't buying it. With a small hint of frustration in her voice she responds, "Okay, but you know Mia and I are here for you, right?"

Charlotte gently lays her hand on Vivian's shoulder as her eyes project compassion. A slight chuckle escapes my lips, "Thanks Charlotte. I know you are..." I turn to walk away just before my eyes begin to well up. The wave of emotions keeps hitting like a rogue wave— never know when it will hit.

An hour later, Siobhan pulls up in the nursery car park. She looks in her rear view mirror observing her pinpoint pupils and her relaxed expression. A smile spreads across her face as she feels the weightless sensation flow through her. Siobhan grabs her purse and makes her way into the building. As she slings the door open to the office, Majorie smiles, "Well hello my love. How are you today?" The fog clouding Siobhan's mind causes a slight delay in her response, "I'm great Marjorie! You alright?" Marjorie's eyes widen as she is taken aback by the blonde's enthusiastic reply. "Yeah, yeah I'm good." The brunette raises one eyebrow as confusion settles on her face.

They both get on with their work sporadically chatting about random things throughout the day. After a few hours pass, Siobhan's mood seems to shift before she grabs her purse and heads to the restroom. Marjorie thinks to herself, "Well that's a little weird, but maybe it's just that time of the month... who knows?"

Siobhan locks the door behind her as she begins to hyperventilate. The tsunami of emotions slamming into her— crushing her. She clumsily fumbles through her purse relief peaking through as she finds her Altoids tin. She grabs three more tablets as she continues to stare at the container... Just one more won't hurt... actually it will probably be better! She smiles to herself as she looks forward to the feeling that will flood her system.

In one smooth motion, she tilts her head back, tosses the pills in her mouth and chases them with the water from her bottle. She avoids looking at herself in the mirror as the punch of shame collides within her.

It's just for a little while... until I find a way to rid myself of this darkness.

What Siobhan doesn't realize is she is sinking further and further into the abyss... Will she survive herself?