Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 53: Whisper

Vivian wakes up and looks up at Siobhan. "Good morning Bon. How are you feeling?" The blonde smiles softly, "I'm okay, Viv. Feeling a little sick, but I'm okay." Vivian pushes herself closer to Siobhan and gently kisses her lips, "I'm just glad you're okay." Her eyes glisten as tears form, "I asked Char and Mia to watch Jamie today and tomorrow. We have a lot to talk about and figure out and I don't want Jamie to be affected by this."

Siobhan looks away as shame overtakes her. Vivian places her hand on her chin and pulls softly to get the younger woman to look at her. "Baby, don't look away from me please. You have nothing to be ashamed of, but you do need help. I love you and will do everything I can to support you." She brushes her fingers across Siobhan's face while her eyes are fixated on the beautiful gray eyes before her. "Let's eat some breakfast..." Vivian smiles and pulls Siobhan up with her to walk to the kitchen.

The two sat in an almost suffocating silence and ate. Clanking of the silverware echoing through the space. Vivian's eyes glanced at Siobhan then back at her food as a soft sigh escaped. Siobhan's hands shake as she pushes the food around on her plate. She adjusted her hair with one hand and closed her eyes, fighting the urge that had overtaken her. Both are startled out of their thoughts by a knock at the door.

Siobhan, being closer to the door, goes to answer the door. When she opens the door, her mind flashes the memory of talking to Charlie. It had completely slipped her mind, understandably, that she had a message sent to Bennie for more pills. In this particular moment, she was scared of what she would choose. "Uh, Viv. Come here!"

As the panic from Siobhan's voice pierced through her, Vivian jumped from her chair and sprinted to the door. When she approached the door and saw Bennie, she protectively positioned herself in front of Siobhan pushing her back from the door. "Why are you here Bennie?" Vivian asked as one hand balled into a fist and the other gripped tightly to Siobhan's hand.

Bennie chuckled at the display, "Your girlfriend didn't tell you? Tsk, shame on you Siobhan." A glint of amusement in his eye. "She left a message yesterday morning for more pills? " The brunette felt like time had stopped as the man looked over her making eye contact with Siobhan. "She doesn't want them anymore, Bennie. You can go sell those to someone else."

A mincing grin spreads across his face as he holds the huge bag of pills up. Vivian can hear Siobhan's gasp at the sight. The blonde eyes fixated on the contents of the bag before she forced them shut, "I don't need them anymore, Bennie. Sorry to waste your time, but I can't." The man puts the bag back in his pocket, "suit yourself... you know how to find me if you change your mind."

Vivian slowly shuts the door. Her hands shaking from the adrenaline that coursed through her. She placed her forehead on the door as she attempted to catch her breath. Siobhan standing behind her with her shoulders slumped and hanging her head low. Their hands still interlinked, them refusing to let go of each other. In a barely discernible whisper Siobhan speaks, " Viv, I'm— I'm so sorry!"

The brunette shakes her head, not saying a word before turning to bring the blonde into a deep embrace. "Baby, you told him no. I know that was hard for you, but you did it." Siobhan begins crying into Vivian's shoulder, "I wanted them though." Both of their hearts break at the vulnerable truth that was just spoken.

Vivian walked her love to the sofa so they could talk. The brunette glanced to the ceiling trying to keep the tears from flowing, "Bon Bon, how often did you take them? How long?" She could feel the blonde shake next to her. The breath quickening and the sound of her hard swallow seemed so loud. "I— I took them every day. Several times a day." Her voice broken and shaken, "I set alarms so I wouldn't have to come down to reality. It would feel like a tsunami pounding into me." Tears streamed down her face as a quiet sob broke through, "It was too much..."

Silence again took over the room for a moment before Vivian spoke slowly, "Baby... I— I want..." She paused as the lump in her throat began to swell, "Will you agree to meet with a therapist next week?" Siobhan starts to pick at her nails as her chest was rising and falling quickly, "Yes... I will." The blonde takes a deep breath, "I want to be able to talk to you too... I just don't know how to— about this..."

Vivian nods, "Bon, I'm an addict. I know what it's like. Recovery is possible, but it's hard. It gets easier to battle the urges. I can't say that they ever go away, but they become manageable and rare." Siobhan pulled her feet into the couch and laid her head on Vivian's lap. She interlinked their hands and pulled them to her chest. She whispers, almost like it was only meant for her own ears, "I'm an addict." Siobhan breathed out a soft sob, her body shaking as she cried. Moments later she brings Vivian's hand even closer to her chest and with a deep breath— silence.

After an hour of them silently resting in each others' presence, a low raspy voice breaks the silence, "Viv, can we watch The Little Mermaid." Vivian laughs as she shakes her head, "Of course baby." Siobhan sits up and looks into Vivian's blue eyes, "I love you— I really love you." They share a sweet kiss and as Vivian pulls away she whispers, "You're impossible..."

A/N— My plan is for there to be a time jump for next chapter...