Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 47: Composure

A couple weeks have gone by and Siobhan is starting to run low on her supply. It should get her through the next couple weeks, but she needs to reach out to Bennie for more.

I know I can't let myself run out... I'll implode!

Before driving to the office, Siobhan makes a trip to King of Treats to leave a message for Bennie. There is one contact person on site at all times, but hardly anyone else knows Bennie owns this place as a front.

Part of me wishes I didn't know how to get in contact with Bennie. I know I should ask for help... I'm playing a losing game, but I just can't. I should be stronger than this... it was only a year.

I enter through the front doors and make my way to the back knocking with a special pattern on the "Employees Only" door. Charlie opens the door, "What can I do for you? Siobhan?" The blonde tilts her head as she rolls her eyes, "Yes Charlie. It's me! I need you to get a message to Bennie for me." He smiles and nods for her to continue. "Will you let him know that I need more? Relaxation doesn't come easy these days" Charlie whispers, "Anything for you, ma'am." Siobhan scoffs as she turns around to walk back to her car, feeling the weight of her own dependence.

The drive to work was uneventful and Siobhan quickly exits her car to enter the nursery. Her morning dose kicks in just before Marjorie's annoying voice reaches her ears.

Marjorie has been really grating my nerves lately. Maybe it's the happiness that exudes from her, but I'm glad these pills provide a cushion to dull it.

Siobhan doesn't miss a beat as she completes one task after the other. She now has alarms on her phone to alert her when she needs to take another dose. It has helped her successfully avoid any overwhelm of emotion since she started setting them. Marjorie won't be back for another 15 minutes from lunch so Siobhan pulls out the Percocet right there in the office. She just dumps them in her hand— 8 pills. Her cautionary approach had deteriorated over the last couple weeks and she had started taking more and more.

"Hi Shibby! I..." Mia watches as Siobhan clasps her hand before taking some pills. She thought it was odd and she thought she saw a lot in her hand but it was just a tiny glance. The pause barely discernible before she continues, "I just wanted to stop in to invite you and Viv over for dinner this weekend. It's been a while since we had time to catch up. Siobhan takes another sip of her water forcing a smile, "That sounds good, Mia. Let me talk to Viv and I'll let you know."

Charlotte said Viv and Shibby had been off lately. That's my baby, always reaching out to help others.That wasn't just a few pills. Her hands trembled—barely, but enough for me to notice. What's going on with her? I should talk to Charlotte.

"What are you going to talk to me about?" Vivian's voice echoes from behind Mia. "I came to have lunch with you today. I also brought you a black americano." She slides by Mia walking over to her girlfriend handing her the coffee. "Thanks Sunshine." The two smile at each other and for a moment it feels like it's just the two of them. Vivian notices something concerning while looking into her Bon Bon's eyes— pinpoint pupils. Mia watches on as she witnesses the slight shift in Vivian's body language.

Siobhan's using... How did I not notice?! How long have I been missing this? Why won't she talk to me?

Marjorie bounces her way into the office, "Hello my loves!" Mia scoffs and exits swiftly. Vivian, even though her mind is racing, turns to greet Marjorie. "Hi Marjorie. I came to have lunch with Siobhan. Can we go to the meeting room?" As Marjorie sits down, she laughs, "Of course! Enjoy your lunch!"

Vivian reaches out for Siobhan's hand as they leave the office holding hands, Marjorie begins to tear up, "Awww! They are just so cute!"

The two, hearing Marjorie, chuckle as they walk to the meeting room. Siobhan opens the door pulling Vivian in behind her. After closing the door, they walk over to the table to set down their food and drinks. Siobhan pulls Vivian into herself "I've missed you..." she whispers before kissing her lips softly. The brunette leans into the kiss, but a part of her feels angry at the blonde. She decides to just enjoy their lunch and confront Siobhan in the privacy of their home this evening.

The couple share the highlights of their day with each other. The blonde uncharacteristically leaning her elbows on the table gets Vivian's attention, but she doesn't mention it. About half an hour into their conversation Siobhan seems to have difficulty understanding what Vivian is saying. The responses Vivian gets from her don't really make sense causing worry to rise in her.

A few moments later as the two are standing from their chairs Siobhan reaches for Vivian's shoulder. "Bon, you okay?" Worry surges through the nurse as she sees the color drain from Siobhan's face. "I'm fine, Viv. Just feeling a little dizzy." Siobhan starts to walk towards the door her knees buckle, and her body crumples like a marionette with its strings cut. The sound of her hitting the floor echoes through the room, freezing Vivian in place.

Please, Siobhan, no! I can't lose you now. Why didn't I confront her earlier? If I had, I'd know what she was taking. God, baby, how much did you take?

Vivian grabs her chest as tears flood her eyes. She takes deep steady breaths while tapping the tips of her fingers in a rhythmic pattern on her thumb. As her composure returns, she kneels down to check Siobhan's heartbeat and that she is breathing. A switch in her brain flips as her medical training takes over.

The door bursts open as Marjorie and Charlotte enter after hearing Vivian scream. Marjorie freezes, flinging her hands over her mouth gasping loudly. Charlotte enters slowly as her hands drop to her side. Her mouth slightly agape as she says, barely audible, "Viv... what can we do?"

Charlotte and I knew something was wrong with it being Vivian screaming. Oh no! Siobhan is unconscious... What on earth is going on?

"Marjorie call an ambulance! Charlotte, I need you to come help me." The nursery manager pulls out her cell phone dialing quickly. Charlotte runs over to kneel on the other side of Siobhan looking to Vivian for instructions. "Char, I need you to lean down and listen to her breathing. Keep your eyes on her chest to make sure it's moving. Tell me if there are any changes!" Vivian continued to monitor Siobhan's pulse as she gently stroked her blonde hair. "Come on, baby. Wake up. You're okay— I got you!"