Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 45: Locked Out

Siobhan jolted awake in a cold sweat still wrapped in Vivian's arms. As she tried to catch her breath, Viv began to stir and heard Siobhan's uneven breathing. She quickly sat up and rubbed the blonde's back, "Bon... What's going on? You okay?"

Avoiding eye contact, Siobhan managed to whisper through the pain she felt in her chest, "I'm fine. It was just a dream, Viv. Just go back to sleep." Vivian couldn't help but notice the detachment Siobhan showed as she climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. Concern fell over the brunette almost smothering her.

She said she is okay, but the way she walked away... maybe I should just check on her.

Vivian walks over to the bathroom door and tries to turn the door knob as she knocks quietly. She realizes the door was locked causing the knot in her stomach to tighten. "Bon..." Vivian begins her voice laced with worry, but she is quickly cut off by Siobhan, "Viv, I'm fine. I promise. Go back to sleep."

I have a feeling in my gut something is wrong, but there is no use in pushing... she isn't ready to talk about it. She has never locked me out before though... that's the most concerning right now.

It reminds me of how I used to hide everything when I was an active alcoholic—the secrets, the shame. But I've never faced someone like Roger. I can't imagine what Bon went through.

Standing in front of the mirror, she stared at herself with tears sliding slowly down her cheeks. Before the sobs began to break through, she turned the faucet on. The familiar echo of the running water bouncing off the bathroom tiles triggered a flashback.

Siobhan is transported back to the nursery bathroom where she had all but given up. Looking at the unrecognizable figure in the mirror. Who would ever care about someone like me? I'm pathetic, a horrible human being. Maybe I should just disappear.

The same emotions that coursed through her that day flooded her body. If she could cut herself out of her own body, she would. It felt like millions of jabs from the inside out— she couldn't take it. She walked over to the toilet and removed the back cover. Watching herself as if she was now separated from her body, she reached in to retrieve the bag of pills she hid the day Bennie came over.

Staring at the hollow reflection in the mirror, she debates whether to go through with this or not. She lowers her gaze to the pills in her hand as she rolls them around her palm. A few seconds pass before she tosses them in her mouth. Bending down she sipped the water from the faucet. She closed her eyes as the pills went down, a bitter aftertaste mixing with the sharp sting of shame. As she leaned up, she took one more glimpse at the woman staring back at her.

I don't know who I am... I don't know how to feel this... How do I let myself feel the good things without being flooded with the painful past? How long can I pretend I'm not fighting a war inside?

Siobhan reseals the pills and places them back in her hiding spot. She returns to the sink to splash water on her face hoping to ground herself before having to face her partner on the other side of the door. She softly pats her face dry as she begins to feel the effects of the narcotics.

How long have I been in here? Viv is going to know something is up.

I slowly turn the doorknob hoping Vivian has already fallen back asleep. As I exit the bathroom, I'm met with her loving eyes and welcoming arms. Crawling into bed she pulls me close, wrapping her arms around me, "Bon, I love you so much more than words can say. Do you know that?" My heart sank, "Of course I do. I love you Viv."

I can feel it. Siobhan is hiding something. I hate this feeling... watching her struggle and not knowing how to help. Please, Bon, let me in.

Maybe Mia could help. She's been through this with Roger, but... would bringing her into this hurt more than it helps? I don't want to betray Bon's trust.

I wish I was better than this... I wish I could just talk to her. Why can't I believe her when she says she loves me? Why does it feel safer to hold everything inside?

As they both drift off to sleep, tears seep through as they fight the battle in their mind.