Why do I feel this way?

Part 51: Break

"Come on, Bon. You need rest." Vivian takes Siobhan's hand and walks with her to their bed. She sits up against the headboard and reaches her arms out for Siobhan. The blonde crawls into bed with Viv and lays her head on her chest as she tucks her hands into her own. Siobhan inhales deeply then exhales as she allows the comfort the brunette brings her flow through her.

As Vivian watched Siobhan sleep, running her fingers through her soft blonde locks, her mind wouldn't settle. She marveled at how peaceful Siobhan looked, her breaths steady, her face relaxed—so different from the chaos of earlier that day. But the stillness was deceptive; she knew the battle wasn't over.

I wish more than anything that Siobhan didn't have to go through this battle. I have to be strong for her, but truthfully I have become very relaxed with my boundaries. Drinking every now and then when problems arose or discussions that were too much. That has to stop now— I can't fall back into that either. I have to refocus, use my healthy coping skills. Prepare to combat triggers because I know they will be coming quickly. Neither of us can shutdown. I need to talk to Siobhan soon and explain how important it is communicate— regardless of fears.

Time seemed to fly and freeze at the same time—Siobhan had this effect on Vivian. The older woman held her until she had to go get Jamie. She was aware how the treatments at the hospital could cause Siobhan's withdrawal symptoms to be very intense. The only mystery was how exactly they would manifest.

Her heart felt like it was in between breaking and mending as she looked at the peace on Siobhan's face as she slept. She was all too familiar with the road that lay ahead of them. Healing wasn't linear; it was messy, painful, and could get downright ugly—especially when it came to addiction.

When Vivian arrived at the nursery, she took a deep breath before exiting the car. She knew there would be inquiries about Siobhan's state. As Vivian walked through the nursery toward the preschool room, she felt the sympathetic stares from every passing doorway. It was touching, but also uncomfortable. Once she entered the room, she made eye contact with Charlotte who was doing handover with another parent. She saw the nonverbal message Jamie's key worker eyes and waited patiently for her.

Charlotte waited until the parent left the room and quickly turned to the brunette. "Hey Viv! How is Siobhan doing? How are you doing?" Vivian couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the speed in which Char spoke. "I'm sorry! I just have been so worried since everything happened. Mia told me that she was discharged, but..." Viv reached for Char's hand and spoke softly, "Char, it's okay. I'm glad we have friends like you in our corner. We are going to need the support."

She paused for a moment as her eyes landed on Jamie retrieving his things from his tray. "She's as good as she can be right now. And I'm... well I'm still figuring that out." Charlotte knitted her eyebrows together, her expression mixed with compassion and a hint of worry. "Just let us know what you need, okay? No stubbornness— reach out anytime. I mean that ANYtime, Viv."

Jamie ran toward his mom, arms outstretched, and she bent down just in time to catch him as he leapt into her embrace. She closed her eyes and held her boy tight and a tear involuntarily dripped down her cheek. "Thank you Charlotte. I will never be able to put into words how much this means to me."

Viv looks like she has been through war today. None of us know the whole story. Was this the first time Siobhan took pills? Did she mean to hurt herself? Is she an addict? We just need to be ready to show our support in every way we can. Whatever Siobhan and Vivian need, they won't have to face this alone.

Jamie is enthusiastically telling Vivian about his day as they make their way down the hallways. Marjorie pokes her head out of the office, "Vivian..."

Marjorie... Please don't make me get emotional in front of my son. She truly has a heart of gold, but I don't need Jamie worrying.

"Hiya, Marjorie. You alright?" She said in the best cheery voice she could muster as she faced the woman. Marjorie hesitated as she tried to find the right words to say. "We are here for you, Viv. You know that right? We will do everything we can to support you, my love." A soft smile appeared on Vivian's face as her eyes glistened slightly as she fought back the tears. "Thank you Marjorie. I will remember that... we really need you guys right now." As Vivian begins heading to the exit again the sweetest voice exclaims "Bye Mrs. Marjorie!" A short giggle accompanying his words. .

Once she has Jamie safe in his car seat and herself buckled, she looks in her rear view mirror, "What would you like for dinner tonight? McDonald's or pizza?" The sweet boy's eyes lit up at the choices as he tapped his pointer finger on his chin. "Um... McDonald's!" Vivian giggled at her son's excitement and began reversing out of the parking space. "McDonald's it is then."

After quietly entering the house, Vivian set Jamie's food on the table. As he began eating, she slipped upstairs to check on Siobhan. The blonde is still sleeping peacefully in their bed. With the day she has endured, she needs rest so Vivian silently pulls the door closed and goes downstairs.

"Jamie, is your dinner alright?" While his cheeks are full with food, he nods excessively with his eyes wide as saucers. Vivian shakes her head and says through a laugh, "I'm glad you're enjoying it!" She puts the meal she bought for Siobhan in the refrigerator and joins her son at the table. Their conversation remains fun and lighthearted as Jamie continues his stories of everything that happened at nursery that day.

The two sit on the couch after dinner and watch an episode or two of Paw Patrol before tucking Jamie in for the night. The young boy snuggles up to his mom while his eyes are fixated on the TV. Her fingers gently shuffled through his curls.

My sweet boy. He is the best thing in my life. I hope this battle remains unknown to him. I remember the confusion and fear I felt as a child when my dad's alcoholism changed everything. I didn't understand it then, but I felt the weight of it. I'll do anything to keep Jamie from feeling that way.

Finally, Vivian puts her son to bed. She reads him a story and sings him a few lines of a song before kissing his forehead and leaving the room. Once she shut the door, she leaned on it exhaling roughly as her lip began to quiver. A soft sob escapes her lips and she tries deep breathing to calm herself. The emotional roller coaster of today has really drained her.

She shuffles into her bedroom and clumsily changes into her pajamas before collapsing on the bed. The brunette scoots as close as she can get to Siobhan and slowly wraps her arms around her before falling asleep. Even in her sleep, Siobhan smiles at the comfort of Vivian's arms wrapping around her.

Several hours later Vivian is awakened by a fear filled scream. As she jerks herself up, Siobhan's arms are swinging frantically in the air. Siobhan utters a broken plea, "Please... don't— don't hurt me." Her hands rush to claw at her throat. "I can't— can't breathe. Let me go, please." She gasped, her voice raw and broken.

Vivian prepares herself for the reaction she is anticipating as she softly speaks, "Bon Bon, you're safe. It's me, Viv." She grazes her fingers across the blonde's shoulder trying to break her out of the nightmare. "Wake up, baby. I'm here— you're safe. He can't hurt you."

She's not waking up... I don't want to have to restrain her and wake her. It will scare her, but she is terrified and reliving her trauma. It's so hard seeing her like this.

Finally Siobhan's eyes snap open as she shoves at Vivian in a panic, "Bon, it's me. Viv. You're safe baby" The sobs rip through her chest as she wraps her arms around Vivian. "I'm here. I got you. You're safe... you're safe." She nuzzles her head into Vivian's neck and breathes deeply. Just smelling her scent starts to calm the blonde. Her breathing and heart rate slowly return to normal.

Vivian just holds her close and drags her finger tips up and down her back. Her soft soothing voice whispering, "You're okay baby. I'm right here. Shhh... you're safe." As she continued to repeat that softly in Siobhan's ear, the younger woman's voice breaks through in a raspy tone, "I'm sorry, Viv. I don't know why I'm like this... Why do you even love me? I'm nothing."