Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 63: Routine

Vivian and Siobhan stayed home with Jamie the next two days. Their days were full of lazy movie marathons, reading books and coloring. After Jamie went to sleep, Siobhan and Vivian had hard discussions about how to help Jamie understand what was going on with him. He would be starting chemotherapy next week and his daily pills started the day before.

"Bon, do you want some coffee? Or tea?" Siobhan wraps her arms around Vivian kissing her on the cheek, "Coffee sounds good." As Vivian leans into the kiss, she smiles and pulls out the coffee. Siobhan sat on a stool at the island looking down at her nails and gliding her thumb over the smooth nail designs.

I can't keep my mind off of Jamie. He is so small with such a big fight ahead of him. How do we tell him without scaring him?

He quickly became the center of my world just like his mom. I have never had to watch people I love so much be in so much pain. Right now Jamie feels great and excited about going back to nursery, but soon the effects of the treatment will change that. I would do anything to take this away from him.

Vivian turns to slide Siobhan her coffee realizing she is completely consumed in her thoughts. She places her hand over Siobhan's, getting her attention, "Bon..." The younger woman's eyes fill with tears and she quickly tries to walk away. Vivian grips onto Siobhan's hand as she walks around the island. "Bon, I don't need you to be strong for me. I need someone to hold me, cry with me, fall to pieces with me. Don't let me break alone." The words fell over her like a blanket. She realized what Vivian needed— what she needed. The pressure to appear as if nothing was wrong vanished as they held each other close. There was an odd sense of relief in the fact they didn't have to hide the pieces of themselves anymore. They could be broken together and that was okay.

The two sit at the table sipping their coffee, "After you fell asleep last night, I did some research. I think it would be a good idea to read a Children's book series to Jamie— or at least part of it as he gets to different stages in his journey." Vivian has a puzzled look on her face, but continues to listen intently to Siobhan. "It's called Stars will Twinkle, The Sun will Shine. The first two books go through a child's journey of being diagnosed with cancer and getting treatment."

A soft smile pulls at Vivian's lips. "Bon... I think that is a great idea. Jamie loves to have books read to him." She pauses as she reaches for Siobhan's hand, "Thank you for putting so much thought into this. I would have never thought to turn to a children's book, but it makes so much sense." Vivian stands moving into Siobhan's lap as the two finish their coffee snuggled up to one another. A comforting silence filled the room. Vivian rested her head on Siobhan's chest, her fingers gliding over the locket. To her the locket symbolized their little family and the connection and love they share— it's special, comforting.

The women put their dishes away and walked hand in hand to bed. Quickly they changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. Siobhan pulled Vivian into herself as she kissed her shoulder softly. "I love you so much baby. I wouldn't make it through this without you." Siobhan wraps Vivian in her arms, "I love you, Viv." Vivian nuzzled into Siobhan's neck brushing her lips against her skin. "Goodnight, Bon Bon."

The next morning the alarm sounds starting the morning routine the family had become accustomed to. The two women got dressed for work before Vivian went to wake Jamie and Siobhan went downstairs to make coffee and a quick breakfast. Effects of the oral chemo Jamie takes has caused a decrease in his energy and left him with loss of appetite. Siobhan resorted to making him a piece of toast hoping he would eat it.

Jamie made his way down the stairs at a slower pace than usual before sitting at the table to eat. "Bonnie, I'm really not hungry. Do I have to eat?" Siobhan's eyes filled with compassion knelt down beside him, "You need at least some food so you can take your medicine." Vivian's heart skips at the interaction. She loved how Siobhan supported Jamie and knew exactly how to comfort him.

Vivian joined Jamie at the table as Siobhan placed the plate with his toast in front of him. The blonde delivered Vivian's coffee leaning down to kiss her softly. "I love you. Do you want some eggs?" The brunette shook her head, "Just the coffee for now. Thank you Bon."

Siobhan sat in the chair between Jamie and Vivian holding the older woman's hand tightly. She saw that Jamie finished his toast. "I'm so proud of you Jamie. You're such a big boy. What do you want to chase your medicine with today?" Siobhan washed her hands thoroughly before retrieving a set of latex gloves. As she guided them onto her hands, she paused— barely breathing. Jamie wanted a blue Gatorade to drink so Vivian grabbed one for him.

I'm thankful Siobhan can take care of giving him his medicine. I just can't— not yet. All day every day I'm donning gloves. They are essential at work. I'm just scared that if I give him his pill that's the only thing I will think about at work. I'm going to be distracted enough as it is, I can't lose touch with reality every time I put on gloves.

Siobhan shook the pill bottle slightly, the medicine dropping into her gloved hand. "Are you ready Jamie?" He nodded his head gently while he wrapped his small hands around the Gatorade bottle. Siobhan stood next to Jamie, "3, 2, 1..." She dropped the medication into his mouth before he quickly sipped the liquid. "Wow, Jamie! You did so good... I'm so proud of you!" He scrunched his face and shook his head side to side, "Yuck!" He held up his hand for a high five from his mom. This was their strategy to keep Jamie's experience more positive than negative. He told them on the first day that the medicine tasted "icky".

Siobhan immediately took the gloves off, tossed them in the trash and washed her hands again. Vivian checked his temperature before getting the last bits she needed for the day. She looked at Siobhan, "It's perfect." They smiled at each other, finding comfort in the silent connection between them. "Mommy, how long am I going to have to take this medicine? It's so gross. It makes me feel weird too." Vivian squatted down in front of Jamie, "I don't know yet sweetie— for a while."

The drive to the nursery was entertaining as Jamie gave a demo concert as he sang along with the radio. "I'm going to be a famous singer one day Bonnie!" Siobhan turns to smile at him, "I bet you will Jamie. You have a voice like your mommy." The boy's eyes lit up with excitement, "Mommy has a beautiful voice." Siobhan smiled lovingly as she turned towards Vivian and placed her hand in hers. She whispered, "Everything about you is beautiful." Siobhan brings Vivian's hand to her lips, planting a soft kiss to the back of her hand. A small grin spreads across Vivian's face, "Oh how I love you Bon. You're the one for me."

Vivian pulled the car into an empty spot closer to the entrance than usual. The three entered together walking towards the office. Vivian kisses Siobhan on the cheek before walking Jamie to the preschool room. Charlotte made sure it was her to do handover with Vivian not wanting there to be a chance for Lydia to overstep boundaries. "Good morning, Vivian. Hi Jamie! How are you today?" Jamie hugged Charlotte's leg tight as his sweet voice floated to her ears, "I'm alright. I missed you!"

Jamie went to the book corner to find a book to look at until breakfast time was over. Vivian spoke with Charlotte briefly, "The medicine seems to be making Jamie a little low on energy and he isn't really wanting to eat. Could you try to encourage him to just eat a few bites at lunch?" Charlotte's sensitive heart breaks at the undertone of worry and pain in Vivian's voice. Her response was soft, "Of course! What else can I do to help?" Vivian looks down at the floor for a moment, "Could you check his temperature every couple hours? If it's even the slightest bit elevated, please let Siobhan know immediately." Charlotte squeezes Vivian's shoulder gently attempting to comfort her a little before she leaves.

On her way out of the nursery, she stops by the office to speak with Marjorie. She enters timidly, "Hiya Marjorie, could I speak with you for a moment? It's about Jamie." Marjorie raises her head as the sound of Vivian's voice echoed in her ear. "Come on in, my love." Siobhan rose quickly to stand by Vivian's side, softly drawing patterns across her back. "The doctor said as long as Jamie's blood work looks good he can attend nursery. I asked Charlotte to keep an eye on his temperature. She is going to let Siobhan know if there is any elevation." She turns to Siobhan as she places her hand on her back, "She knows what to do if that happens."

Marjorie tried to hold her tears back, but they spilled over as her voice broke. "We will do whatever you need. You are part of our family and will always support you in every way we can."