Confusion, FtM journal

March 24, 2014

Hey.

Well I'm not really sure where to begin, this is kinda a new thing for me. Writing has never and I mean NEVER been my strong suit, I hate English and I never seem to be able to get the right words out. Also I'm new to this whole I'm gonna share my feeling and life crap, I mean thats kinda one of my number one rule "Don't open up so you cant get hurt", I established this rule even before I realized I was trans*. But unfortunately I tend to break this rule and talk to the few friends I learned to trust. "Why write this then" you ask, well its cuz they have there own shit to deal with which is often times much worse than mine and I'm tired of sounding like some winey bitch. That and it adds to there list of shit they have to deal with and I don't wanna be a burden, oh also there all girls so... yup. Anyway aside from all that I guess I started this journal cuz I just wanna talk/rant to someone who I don't have any history with about my problems, confusion, and whatnot even if it ends up being that nobody ever reads this.

Anywho, on to the issue at hand, the whole reason why I started this ridiculous journal that I'll probly hardly update and eventually drop like all my failed writing projects. I'm a transgender FtM, and unlike a lot of trans* people I didn't know when I was a kid, not consciously anyway. I actually found out at the beginning of this year when one of my friends who I think of as a big sister pointed it out to me that I might be trans*. I mean it was always the joke kinda that I would be the lesbian drag king when I grew up, I mean thats at leas what Helen predicted then she later pointed out that I might be trans*. It wasn't this great epiphany or anything like that, I just started researching more when she brought it up, and kinda opened my eyes to a whole nother world. I mean I kinda knew at that point what gay, lesbian, and bi meant, but I never really thought much about it. I had been convinced that I should and would just grow up like any other normal person, at least thats what I wanted anyway. But looking back on it now, there are so many points that just prove it to me, it was just hidden under a big layer of fake that I had put on to fit in. Welp it was more of a thick layer of delusional plastered on my my parents, even if they didn't realize they were doing it. The reasons why I say this are because of: Reason # A (wtf is this) - My mother told me that girls could do anything that boys can, which is both very true and false at the same time, but regardless it taught me that I could act and do things like a boy but still but still be a girl (again true in some cases, just not mine). Reason # B (i still dont know wtf this is) - I loved getting praised and shocking people, so when I used to get a compliment like your so pretty i never believed it but it still made me feel good, also whenever I put on make up or dressed up and purposely made my self look attractive it always shocked people ALOT (also i got lots of compliments) cuz for most of the time I would hide from the world in baggy sweatshirts and hardly anyone would notice me. Reason # C (i don't know why I haven't just deleted the # or replaced the letters with numbers by now but I'm just gonna go with it) - Well I'm not really sure what to put down for this one exactly, but it goes along the lines of I never really had any heartbreaking issues with being a girl until puberty and girls and boys were separated, also I didn't even know it was possible for me to be a boy so I tried to force myself to be a normal girl in middle school and just accept it. Not tiered of my rambling and absolutely unnecessarily long reason for why I'm trans*, good for you I don't think I would be able to stand my bs by now, but if your still here I guess that means that you find this interesting, or sympathize or some shit like that, idk either way I'm just gonna continue now. As I was saying I tried to be somewhat normal, but I'm a freak and no its not cuz I'm trans*. I hung out with the guys and played soccer with them all throughout elementary school, I found that playing "horses" or "digging for indian clay in the sandbox" was unbelievably boring, so i decided that watching guys trade Pokémon cards and playing soccer was much more fun. So in elementary school I was either hanging out with all the boys, alone on the swings, and occasionally running around with some of the girls pretending that magic was real (I of course took it seriously and actually thought that wizards like Harry Potter actually existed). That school was fucked up though for multiple reasons, I mean we had friggen full time popular kids in first grade and high school level rivalries (it was fucked up, one girl even choked another on multiple accounts). Yes, I spent 1st through 6th grade there before I convinced my mother to get me the hell out of there and despite my efforts to contact some of my backstabbing friends from there in 7th grade (yup, I was a gullible little child, and people wonder why I have issues letting people in now). Long story short none of them contacted me (even my "best friend" who made me promise her that "we'll be best friends forever and that we will alway keep in contact no matter what" I was the only one who held up that promise, best friend my ass) except for my absolute best friend (even if I'm not his) who left that school at the same time as me. Either way I happily never heard from them except for the occasional bump in at subway where they told me "we should talk more, why don't you text me" and they would never respond (backstabbing bitches as I said before), until I went to high school where a decent number of them decided to go the same one (=_=) thank god they really didn't want anything to do with me, even after I tried to start an conversation with a couple of the so I could smile politely and say "Hi, remember me the person you forgot about, ya my life greatly improved when I left all you backstabbing son's of bitches!" (of course this is not what happened, but I wish). Now that was MAJORLY off topic, why are you still here dealing with my bullshit? Seriously dude, get a life. I mean I'm happy if someone decided to read this long, but if you have this much free time do something fun, get a hobby, I wish I had so much free time that I just decided to fill my time by listening to somebody's bitching. Anyway, after that epically large detour I am now going to continue my reasons as to why I wasn't that trans* person who's first words were "Mommy I'm boy not a girl" (yes, I know this isn't the case for everyone but still, I'm trying to make a point here). Anyhow, to speed things up cuz I don't think I have it in me to write for much longer I'm gonna abbreviate things and cut things off, and if your that person who decided there not gonna get a life keep reading this and your actually interested in this shit, leave a comment or somfin and I'll try and respond. As I was saying when I was a kid I would beg my mom to have short hair like my guy friends (which was super short cuz of our schools dress code), I would always wear the guys uniform (oh, ya I forgot I went to a private school so ya know), and whenever we had girls vs boys matches I always secretly cheered for the guys team (and I never stopped, even when I was really trying to be a girl), I HATED all girls soccer and loved P.E. cuz it was the time that I could prove that I was just as tough as the guys (I would trip, fall in the dirt, and sometimes fail miserably, but I did it all with a massively devilish smile). When middle school came I had been separated from the guys into the outsider group of girls and people started developing crushes. So I tried my hardest to be a girl, I started wearing the girls uniform, and tried to develop crushes on guys. I even started to stop trying in P.E. cuz i wasn't even the top girl in running anymore (one of my favorite things), the lines dividing genders had started to be drawn. It sucked, I hated it, I wanted to play sports with the guys and I couldn't help but catch my self thinking how I would think that a girl was a attractive if I was a boy (I clung to thinking that liked boys like any other girl, I blame this on the incident of saying that I wanted to marry my best friend morgan when i grew up, in pre school and having my mom explain to me how I couldn't marry morgan because she was a girl and that I had to truly love that person like she did my dad). At the end of 6th grade I was so sick of my skirt that I started wearing a boys uniform again, and my best memories from there are the lunches that a couple guys broke off from the one 6th grade boys table that they all sat at and we all sat at a separate table away from out groups, it was fucking awesome. That was one of the few time I felt normal, I was a boy that lunch, even if I didn't realize it. But for the most part 6th grade I was pushed farther away from the guys, while every one else decided that at breaks girls and boys could play together (how fucked up is that, I play with guys when its taboo, but as soon as I try to be a girl they decide its ok for everyone to play together). 7th grade was mainly just really lonely cuz I homeschooled and didn't really have any good friends except for Dylan who was also homeschooling and had left the shitty school at the same time, but he was always super busy getting ahead in his studies (he's in college now, lucky fuck). The one nice thing was at the end of the year I at least got to cut my hair to mid length (it was a really girly hairstyle unfortunately). So in 8th grade we moved literally 5ft away from where we were living so that I could attend the really good public school I
wanted to go to (fucking district lines, I now have to share a room with my lil sis thats 1/5 or less the size of my old room that I didn't have to share). That year wasn't to bad except for the asshole Jacob who half hit on me half tried to annoy the shit out of me and fucking screwed with my emotions through freshman year, thank the gods he leaves me alone now which probably has to do with the fact that I now bind and wear guys clothing (since I'm pretty sure he was only interested in my tits, which unfortunately were like a size D somthin or other last I checked a gillion years ago). Anyway, that was also the year I got into comic books, video games, manga/anime, and convinced my mother to let me cut my hair supper short (although again it wasn't the best, the person who cut my hair always made it look girly and poofy, so i let it grow out again after that before going somewhere else to get it cut short again). Pretty much my 8th grade year was the beginning of me becoming who I am now, and well myself. Freshman year I still hung out in the back of the library (except now I hid in the manga section) I made friends with one of my few guy friends Phillip back there, and met Helen back there. I joined the schools robotics team and had fun learning how to program a bit and helping build a functional robot. In robotic I met tons of really cool guys, unfortunately I was still pretty anti social and never really talked to any of them outside of the shop room, Phillip was in robotics so I talked to him, I also occasionally talk to Dominic he's cool, and then there was Brian who asked me out to the Winter ball in one of the most adorable ways possible so that I couldn't turn him down. Me dating Brian didn't last to long, it consisted of us mainly hanging out and playing video games and discussing things we never even really held hands and my friends told me I could do better, I eventually broke up with him cuz I viewed him as more of a friend and I could tell he wanted more. Unfortunately after that we never really talked outside of robotics when we needed to talk about code for the robot. Later that year I would get Phillip telling me that he wanted to be more than friends and I stopped him right there and let him down easily saying I wasn't looking to date and that I just wanted to be friends (and thankfully we still are, although I have yet to tell him I'm trans* and I'm nervous bout it). During classes I was pretty quiet but ended up becoming friends with a couple of really cool people. I loved graphic design where I met Sophia, who is this really cool girl who wasn't afraid to tell the guys in our class to shut the fuck up so we can learn shit, we didn't really talk that much until I joined YAC (I'll explain later) later in the year, shes also one of 2 people at my school who know that I'm trans* and actually calls me Connor at school (unfortunately she's two hears older and I hardly see her). I also met Diana, ahhhh were to start with her. I was really quiet to begin with but even more so in English cuz I hates the subject, anyway she would always try and get me to talk and we would run into each other in odd places like the bathroom and such. Oh, also she hit on me, a lot, but I was to thick to notice it. Anyway, in English one day I was practically crying cuz we had a debate over of mice and men, and well I was neutral. So my wonderful English teacher had everyone split up into there two groups on the two sides of the room and sat me in a chair in the middle and told me that the two sides would have the debate and try and convince the other side as well as me to join them. Well I had already summed up the pros and cons and was neutral cuz of it, and so this was just beating a dead horse and the whole entire time she would tell me that I had to pick a side. Well the class ended with me still being neutral and ready to cry my balls off, and Diana just came up to me and hugged me and told my classmates to "Leave *insert name here* alone!", we walked out of that class with me crying and sniffing and her hugging me telling me how she was ready to yell at the the teacher to "Leave *insert name here* alone!" and proceeded to cheer me up and make me laugh. Our friendship got even stronger after I became friends with Helen. Helen's that person who you look at and say "oh god she's crazy", and she is but she's the good kind of crazy and I love her for it. She was also in my English class, hell at one point me, her, and Diana were all sitting right by each other. Which is how I became friends with her, both her and Diana were talking about Homestuck (an amazing webcomic that everyone should read) and I happened to be into it to so I managed to peep something out about how I read it to and of course Helen blurts out "You read Homestuck?!" really loud in the middle of class. We've been friends since. I always looked up to her, she was always smiling, had colorfully dyed hair, and always spoke up and spoke her mind. After that the 3 of us cosplayed a lot and I would hang out with Helen a lot. It was scary how similar we were, she was just way more verbal than me. She told me about YAC which was the Monterey Youth Arts Collective, and introduced me to some of her friends from there who I'm happy to say are now my friends as well. Anyway after robotics I joined YAC cuz I loved doing art and every one there accepted me for who I was and helped me bring me out of my shell. Unfortunately Helen left my high school to do homeschool halfway through my freshman year, but I still see her a lot at YAC and outside of it as well. Anyhow my past over a year and a half of high school I wen through a couple fazes. First off I ditched all the bright, colorful, girly things for anime/comic book/video game t's (I had finally gone into Hot Topic and found the holy grail, although GameStop is always and forever will be my mother ship even if they do rip people off) and and tank tops with jeans and sneakers. I cut my hair super short at the end of my freshman year and had been to a few cons, as well as going full time Geek. My parents didn't like that faze to much cuz they don't think to highly of anime, video games, ect. Anyway the graphic t's from Hot Topi quickly switched from the guys section to girls, but later at the start of this school I started dress girly on occasion. And no I don't mean slutty girly, or flowery girly, or any of that shit, I mean I dressed badass girly. I wimpy as fuck and my friends who know how to use all sorts of weapons and do martial arts said i looked badass and could kick their asses. I consisted of dark eye makeup, a short pixie cut and a lot of black skin tight clothing. I even wore a couple of dresses (kinda a miracle since I have hated dresses since I was a child), and made do with these cheap black boots that I had but I really wanted combat boots instead. Anyway that phase didn't last long at all, see I dressed girly sometimes cuz I loved how it looked, it just wasn't me though and I was never comfortable. Its like when you role play as a character you love, you may love how they look and act so you look/act that way, but in the end its not really you. Anywho, I was getting big into cosplay and I wanted to cosplay guys so I asked my parents if I could buy a binger, they allowed me but said that I wasn't allowed to buy another so if it ripped or something I would be out of luck. This was also around the time that I started wearing mainly guys tshirts and had some guys pants as well as board shorts for swimming, and Helen had said she could see me as becoming trans*. Well after that things started moving quicker, I started binding at school (my mother hatted it and told me it was unhealthy, even though I got my doctor to tell her that it was safe if I used a proper binder), and eventually I asked my friends (the ones at YAC anyway) to start calling me Connor, which was the name I would have had if I had been born a boy. At some point I had tried to come out to my mom as trans*, I dropped hints like crazy, first I told her that I was genderqueer and felt like I was both male and female (I was still struggling w/ the whole trans* thing myself at the time) and told her I was pansextual but leaned more towards girls (currently though I could care less), I even told her that at YAC everyone called me Connor. Eventually I actually tried telling her, I was still unsure at the time and really nervous and wish I had waited a couple months so I'm not stuck in this awkward position, but I did. I went up into her room one night and tried telling her that I was pretty sure I was trans* she said ok I'll love you no matter what and told me that I should tell my dad but wait to tell my sister. Sounds like I was accepted right? Nope, she stared at me the whole time I tried to spit this out and why with a blank face, I wish she had just yelled at me. She didn't ask me about what I wanted to do about it or anything like that, maybe she had som variation of it but I was way to nervous about it to know how to answer. I think the worst part is with that blank expression she bluntly asked me "So do you want to have a dick?" and in that kind of I'm judging you to see if you give the correct answer kind of tone. I honestly wanted to cry and all I could manage was an I don't know, cuz I was confused myself and I had only decided to come out because if she realize what was going on at YAC before I told her I knew that she would be upset with me. And well, I got cold feet, I didn't have the slightest idea in hell what I was doing and payed for it. I cried myself to sleep that night and never told my dad, I eventually told my little sister and she's semi ok with it, she deals with my rambling but still tells me that I'll always be her older sister and sometimes teases me about it subtly in front of my parents knowing that I can't do anything about it. But its my fault for not having a follow up conversation, and now everything is just weird at home. I now wear 99.9% all guys clothing, have a guys haircut and bind almost every day. I cant tell with my mom anymore cuz she always telling me how I'm alway going to be her daughter or, I gave you your name cuz its a strong one and I hope you like it oe some shit, and has been putting up lots of photos of me in dresses and smiling, I don't even know who they are. Then on rare occasion she'll say something like you look cute, or would you rather be called handsome, its just confusing the fuck out of me. At YAC I'm now a full fledged boy, almost everyone calls me Connor and attempts at using male pronouns, its great. I'm hoping that before my 16th birthday in like a month I can clear all this up and be acknowledged as Connor by my family, that ways at the ridiculous family party we always have I can listen to happy birthday Connor instead of feeling nauseated the whole time. It's a long shot I know, but still I hope thats the case, then maybe on my birthday post a comic or something on my facebook officially stating that I'm Connor not.... well how they normally see me. And yes I have been avoiding putting my birth name in here and not because its triggering or I dont want anyone to know, I'm planning on being pretty open in this, its just I'm gonna wait a bit cuz I want people to see me as Connor not my birth name, so maybe later just not now.

Anyway I've spent like over half a day writing this cuz I was sick and skipped school and just needed to vent. As to why it took so long, I SUCK AT ENGLISH HUZAAAAAAAH! but ya, I didn't get to cover a lot of what I wanted but I got a lot of shit off my plate to I can save the rest for another time. Anywho, if your reading this I really don't know what to say part of me wants to scold you for wasting your life reading about mine, but for the most part I just wanna tackle hug you and say thank you so much for listening to my shit, and if you are post a comment so I know who this awesome person is but if you don't want to thats fine you've wasted enough of your time on this all ready. So ya thats it for today, I hope I keep this journal up and don't ditch it like most of my writing projects cuz it really did help. Seeya... hopefully :P