Confusion, FtM journal

May 5th, 2014

So I'm gonna keep this short cuz I don't have much time. No I haven't died although I wish that was the case, I've just been swamped with school. Well I kinda just left off with me 'bout to go see the councilor and all and well I'd rather not go into that all right now since I don't have time to make a whole entry. Anywho I started writing that entry awhile ago and never finished it, I think I'll just put up the incomplete entry later cuz it seems like a waste if I don't. As I was saying though my life is shit right now, my grades are shit, my family is shit, school is shit, I haven't been able to see my friends (the ones who know I'm trans*) for more than 15 minuets for a while now, I have been stuck in this stupid bloody house as a fucking girl and its driving me fucking insane. It's getting harder for me to remember the events of just the past day and dreams, past, and reality are just one huge jumble and I'm fucking losing it. Sometimes I wish I never found out I was trans*, that way I could still have good grades and be remotely happy sometimes, maybe not hate my family to the extent that I do no (though I doubt that would change). I just don't fucking know anymore, I don't have any fucking reason to live yet I keep on living. Why? My binder is worn to the point that my mom bluntly put how it didn't work anymore and I should just wear sports bras, and I tried to get her to let me buy a new one that was better quality with my b-day money but told me no because the credit history for there business and blah blah blah you can just wear a sports bra. She will NEVER accept what I am, she always turns a blind eye to whats going on with me, pretends I'm sill her little girl, its like I'm not even her and that I don't exist to her, only her self projected image exists. Just like with the fucking councilor who I tried telling her that the person she got wasn't right for it but nooooooo mother knows best only to have the fucking councilor tell her, yah I do medication not so much therapy which is what your fucking son needs, but in a much nicer way. I liked the councilor though, my parents stayed in the room the whole time unfortunately and it seemed more like a counciling session for them than me. But ya I thought it was going well she new basics about trans* stuff and explained how gender and sexuality are different to my parents, and it seemed like my parents were gonna get better after it. But my hopes were too high as only a couple fucking days later my mother tells me how that councilor knew shit and wasn't good for me at all, I wanted to cry. Anyway so now I'm waiting for my parents to find a therapist which they probly forgot about because they don't feel like its a pressing matter. Gods I don't know why I don't just jump infront of a truck on the highway on my way home from school, I can never have the life I want and need. Anyway this is going on longer than planned and I need to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning to flunk the AP exam for computer science, joys. Anyway all the money and then some that would have been spent on a new binder for myself just went to a hot topic spending spree to get some new stuff, yes I bury myself in merch from tv shows, anime, and videogame and I don't give a fuck because those are the only worlds that I'm happy in. So ya I should really get going before I go full blown rampage and make this "short" post any longer. Anywho thanks for reading those of you who do, and if anybody has any advice please leave a comment I'd appreciate it, also anyone who just reads this leave a blank comment and I'll follow you. Hopefully I'll write again soon, seeya.